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Substance Abuse
Standing strong in the aftermath.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 722537" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>lbl. i finished sand and ash last night. i loved it. i love novels centered in that period. ww2.</p><p></p><p>today is time to watch a great movie or curl up with a book.</p><p></p><p> we think of a boundary as saying no to somebody else.</p><p></p><p>but i have learned a boundary is actually how i decide to define myself in relation to other people. a boundary to me now is not a no. i actually visualize myself as separate from m, say, who can be critical. i see myself as a body with a few feet of margin/barrier so the pain of his words cannot enter.</p><p></p><p>i used to defend myself verbally. </p><p></p><p>then i realized. why do i have to?</p><p></p><p>now. i listen attentively and do not take it personally. instead of feeling weak and defenseless (pattern of past) i imagine myself contained, self-reliant, independent and strong.</p><p></p><p>and i give him his right to speak, to be angry and to have issues with me. if he chooses. i used to feel this made me passive and voiceless. now i am trying to see myself as autonomous.</p><p></p><p>i think the same sort of dynamic is present with our children. </p><p></p><p>they can have the space to choose their lives and define themselves. this happens whether we permit it or not. we know this.</p><p></p><p>now we can do the same thing for ourselves. give ourselves the gift to define our conscious moments and embrace and be with our feelings, rather than fight them or run with them.</p><p></p><p>that is why re's response, she's still struggling is apt. it's true. and it names the issue as about our child, not us or our relationship. </p><p></p><p>i am learning i can be sad and afraid and still do a nice thing for myself. because i am the person who defines me...and how i think of myself and my life. nobody else.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 722537, member: 18958"] lbl. i finished sand and ash last night. i loved it. i love novels centered in that period. ww2. today is time to watch a great movie or curl up with a book. we think of a boundary as saying no to somebody else. but i have learned a boundary is actually how i decide to define myself in relation to other people. a boundary to me now is not a no. i actually visualize myself as separate from m, say, who can be critical. i see myself as a body with a few feet of margin/barrier so the pain of his words cannot enter. i used to defend myself verbally. then i realized. why do i have to? now. i listen attentively and do not take it personally. instead of feeling weak and defenseless (pattern of past) i imagine myself contained, self-reliant, independent and strong. and i give him his right to speak, to be angry and to have issues with me. if he chooses. i used to feel this made me passive and voiceless. now i am trying to see myself as autonomous. i think the same sort of dynamic is present with our children. they can have the space to choose their lives and define themselves. this happens whether we permit it or not. we know this. now we can do the same thing for ourselves. give ourselves the gift to define our conscious moments and embrace and be with our feelings, rather than fight them or run with them. that is why re's response, she's still struggling is apt. it's true. and it names the issue as about our child, not us or our relationship. i am learning i can be sad and afraid and still do a nice thing for myself. because i am the person who defines me...and how i think of myself and my life. nobody else. [/QUOTE]
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