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Parent Emeritus
Still Feel Off - Some Venting
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 752502" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>This is my opinion.</p><p></p><p>I learned it in Al Anon.</p><p></p><p>My business and my attempt to "help" somebody else or point out their faults, whether or not they know it, ends at the tip of my nose. As much as I may think I am being helpful, it is not my business if my dad and.mom have a toxic relationship, if my dad enables mom, if my brother smokes meth or if my kids step up to the plate. And confronting confrontational and toxic people about their problems usually ends up badly. This very very sadly includes our children and sometimes difficult parents.</p><p></p><p> The fact is, we can't force apologies out of others or get them to see things our way. Trying to do so often makes problems worse. You can't.fix anyone else, including your daughter and parent.</p><p></p><p>There are great powers we all have. We have the powers of ME and free will. We can decide what boundaries to put up, who to see a lot of, who to pull back from, and how to make our own lives good, even though life is not exactly how we'd like it to be. We can accept what is and accept who our loved ones are. We can remind ourselves that life isn't fair. There are many things we have experienced and will experience that we will find unfair. Ruminating over the unfairness makes us unhappy and does not help us. Or anybody.</p><p></p><p>I personally would not point out anything to other adults, even family. That often divides our loved ones and may divide them against us, even though we mean well. They may not think it's in their best interests to hear it. I have learned to end my business with me. My husband and I can discuss anything but I don't try to advise anyone else who doesn't specifically ask for input. And even then I don't get pushy.</p><p></p><p>I hope you can find a way to feel calm about the party and what happened. Mother in laws are famous for getting angry at the daughter's husbands. My mom is very calm, but she has "calmly" said some things to my husband that had us both rolling out eyes. This is not the rule, but she has. If my mom was very controlling, we would limit contact. We can chose that. We can chose to celebrate holidays with just the immediate family.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry that this hurt you, but my instinct would be to rest, calm, heal and decide what you can do so that this scenario is unlikely to happen again. There are no guarantees. Life is not always a bowl of cherries. How I wish it were, for me, you and everyone. It's not, but we can improve our lives.</p><p></p><p> You can do this. You are strong and smart. You are a soldier like the rest of us and you have us. You are not alone. God bless you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 752502, member: 23706"] This is my opinion. I learned it in Al Anon. My business and my attempt to "help" somebody else or point out their faults, whether or not they know it, ends at the tip of my nose. As much as I may think I am being helpful, it is not my business if my dad and.mom have a toxic relationship, if my dad enables mom, if my brother smokes meth or if my kids step up to the plate. And confronting confrontational and toxic people about their problems usually ends up badly. This very very sadly includes our children and sometimes difficult parents. The fact is, we can't force apologies out of others or get them to see things our way. Trying to do so often makes problems worse. You can't.fix anyone else, including your daughter and parent. There are great powers we all have. We have the powers of ME and free will. We can decide what boundaries to put up, who to see a lot of, who to pull back from, and how to make our own lives good, even though life is not exactly how we'd like it to be. We can accept what is and accept who our loved ones are. We can remind ourselves that life isn't fair. There are many things we have experienced and will experience that we will find unfair. Ruminating over the unfairness makes us unhappy and does not help us. Or anybody. I personally would not point out anything to other adults, even family. That often divides our loved ones and may divide them against us, even though we mean well. They may not think it's in their best interests to hear it. I have learned to end my business with me. My husband and I can discuss anything but I don't try to advise anyone else who doesn't specifically ask for input. And even then I don't get pushy. I hope you can find a way to feel calm about the party and what happened. Mother in laws are famous for getting angry at the daughter's husbands. My mom is very calm, but she has "calmly" said some things to my husband that had us both rolling out eyes. This is not the rule, but she has. If my mom was very controlling, we would limit contact. We can chose that. We can chose to celebrate holidays with just the immediate family. I am sorry that this hurt you, but my instinct would be to rest, calm, heal and decide what you can do so that this scenario is unlikely to happen again. There are no guarantees. Life is not always a bowl of cherries. How I wish it were, for me, you and everyone. It's not, but we can improve our lives. You can do this. You are strong and smart. You are a soldier like the rest of us and you have us. You are not alone. God bless you. [/QUOTE]
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