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Struggling today -- vent
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 381461" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Definitely see the psychiatrist.</p><p></p><p>In some ways we are having similar problems with difficult child 3, but we have had prior experience of this with his sister. In her case, we had a genius child who suddenly couldn't do easy stuff, couldn't even remember learning it even though I had been the one to sit with her and give her an intensive lesson, which she was then able to do. A week later she didn't remember how to do it although she remembered that she had known. A week after that and she couldn't remember ever having the lesson. She also was studying for a special exam for smart kids. We dropped the project when we realised something was seriously wrong. Up until she was 11, she had seemed to be achieving easily. Then the flak hit the fan.</p><p></p><p>What we have finally worked out the problem to be - it's a combination of attention issues (the information is no longer being laid down as it used to be - ADD-inattentive type, in easy child 2/difficult child 2, work had finally reached a complexity where she could no longer slide by with no work), anxiety issues (it's easier to procrastinate and even 'forget' rather than face what makes you feel suddenly very anxious; the closer you get to the deadline, the worse the anxiety and the more you put your head in the sand to try to not think about it) and typical teen superhuman stuff ("I can do this later; I can do anything.")</p><p></p><p>I have a young friend (another child genius) whose mother is currently tearing her hair out over her daughter's failure to meet her responsibilities. This girl will talk about the project, will plan the project, will get books out of the library and read them. But as the project deadline draws near, she still has done absolutely nothing toward putting it on paper. Then the mother swings into action, fights with the daughter, chivvies her into working, daughter is resentful but the work gets done. Mother and daughter both burn the midnight oil to get it done. Mother wants her daughter to do well; daughter wants to do well; but the problem is, this is the pattern of behaviour and it seems to be that this girl needs the adrenalin to get anything done. A very bad precedent has been set and she is learning to procrastinate. She's also learned that her mother will always catch her when she falls, so she never learns a sense of balance.</p><p></p><p>Of course your daughter is resentful - you are changing the rules. PLus you have removed a lot of her coping tools. Now, some of her coping tools are, under the current circumstances, unhealthy. But until you involve her in the choices and decisions, she won't own them. And for her to learn and get the message, she needs ownership. </p><p></p><p>I would be asking her what went wrong. Don't hit the roof - she needs to be open and honest with you and to not have her honesty associated with more anxiety. If she is scared you will yell, her anxiety will stop her from being frank with you. And this is coming down to medical issues, you need her to be frank. </p><p></p><p>Yes, it is frustrating. But she needs to fail. Sorry. It's a pity for the other girl, and it is not fair because your daughter could get some credit purely for someone else's hard work.</p><p></p><p>Incidentally, the area where we first noticed serious problems with easy child 2/difficult child 2's memory was Maths. That part of your thread sends big warning alarms to me. When she says she slept in class, she may be telling you what she remembers, or she may have not been able to absorb the information.</p><p></p><p>I am also a firm believer that kids have learning spurts, the same way they have growth spurts. We need to help them take advantage of these spurts and not hold them back just because they are wanting to learn something "too young". Or not be critical if a kid can't understand something being taught, because they're just not ready. </p><p>I used to think that maybe easy child 2/difficult child 2 was not as bright as she seemed, but merely an early learner. Things averaged out a lot later on, but when we hit the memory brick wall when she was about 11, I was in panic mode. That was like negative learning - stuff she had known well, was evaporating from her brain. over days and weeks. It was scary.</p><p></p><p>I'm suspecting some element of Asperger's. some element of ADD (inattentive) is greatly complicating things. Throw in a measure of anxiety and now depression, and you have a nasty situation. been there done that. Not pretty. Getting her to the psychiatrist is a good route. In fact, I have to go now, we're seeing difficult child 3's doctor this morning for much the same (ongoing management of similar issues).</p><p></p><p>But you need to back off the pressure and change direction with it. Not let her out of it, but find a different way to support her to meet her responsibilities. Talk with her about how she feels when she sits down to work. Ask her how it feels and what she then does in response. Find out if you can help her break down the task, if that would help. Keep yourself in the loop for the next assignments (too late for these) and work with her (baby steps) from scratch in completing each step. Don't do the work for her, but sit beside her as she does, encourage her positively for each step finished. If one step take longer than you feel it should, don't criticise. Simply say to her, "I think next time we need to allow more time for this stage of the project."</p><p></p><p>Learn from this.</p><p></p><p>Gotta rush.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 381461, member: 1991"] Definitely see the psychiatrist. In some ways we are having similar problems with difficult child 3, but we have had prior experience of this with his sister. In her case, we had a genius child who suddenly couldn't do easy stuff, couldn't even remember learning it even though I had been the one to sit with her and give her an intensive lesson, which she was then able to do. A week later she didn't remember how to do it although she remembered that she had known. A week after that and she couldn't remember ever having the lesson. She also was studying for a special exam for smart kids. We dropped the project when we realised something was seriously wrong. Up until she was 11, she had seemed to be achieving easily. Then the flak hit the fan. What we have finally worked out the problem to be - it's a combination of attention issues (the information is no longer being laid down as it used to be - ADD-inattentive type, in easy child 2/difficult child 2, work had finally reached a complexity where she could no longer slide by with no work), anxiety issues (it's easier to procrastinate and even 'forget' rather than face what makes you feel suddenly very anxious; the closer you get to the deadline, the worse the anxiety and the more you put your head in the sand to try to not think about it) and typical teen superhuman stuff ("I can do this later; I can do anything.") I have a young friend (another child genius) whose mother is currently tearing her hair out over her daughter's failure to meet her responsibilities. This girl will talk about the project, will plan the project, will get books out of the library and read them. But as the project deadline draws near, she still has done absolutely nothing toward putting it on paper. Then the mother swings into action, fights with the daughter, chivvies her into working, daughter is resentful but the work gets done. Mother and daughter both burn the midnight oil to get it done. Mother wants her daughter to do well; daughter wants to do well; but the problem is, this is the pattern of behaviour and it seems to be that this girl needs the adrenalin to get anything done. A very bad precedent has been set and she is learning to procrastinate. She's also learned that her mother will always catch her when she falls, so she never learns a sense of balance. Of course your daughter is resentful - you are changing the rules. PLus you have removed a lot of her coping tools. Now, some of her coping tools are, under the current circumstances, unhealthy. But until you involve her in the choices and decisions, she won't own them. And for her to learn and get the message, she needs ownership. I would be asking her what went wrong. Don't hit the roof - she needs to be open and honest with you and to not have her honesty associated with more anxiety. If she is scared you will yell, her anxiety will stop her from being frank with you. And this is coming down to medical issues, you need her to be frank. Yes, it is frustrating. But she needs to fail. Sorry. It's a pity for the other girl, and it is not fair because your daughter could get some credit purely for someone else's hard work. Incidentally, the area where we first noticed serious problems with easy child 2/difficult child 2's memory was Maths. That part of your thread sends big warning alarms to me. When she says she slept in class, she may be telling you what she remembers, or she may have not been able to absorb the information. I am also a firm believer that kids have learning spurts, the same way they have growth spurts. We need to help them take advantage of these spurts and not hold them back just because they are wanting to learn something "too young". Or not be critical if a kid can't understand something being taught, because they're just not ready. I used to think that maybe easy child 2/difficult child 2 was not as bright as she seemed, but merely an early learner. Things averaged out a lot later on, but when we hit the memory brick wall when she was about 11, I was in panic mode. That was like negative learning - stuff she had known well, was evaporating from her brain. over days and weeks. It was scary. I'm suspecting some element of Asperger's. some element of ADD (inattentive) is greatly complicating things. Throw in a measure of anxiety and now depression, and you have a nasty situation. been there done that. Not pretty. Getting her to the psychiatrist is a good route. In fact, I have to go now, we're seeing difficult child 3's doctor this morning for much the same (ongoing management of similar issues). But you need to back off the pressure and change direction with it. Not let her out of it, but find a different way to support her to meet her responsibilities. Talk with her about how she feels when she sits down to work. Ask her how it feels and what she then does in response. Find out if you can help her break down the task, if that would help. Keep yourself in the loop for the next assignments (too late for these) and work with her (baby steps) from scratch in completing each step. Don't do the work for her, but sit beside her as she does, encourage her positively for each step finished. If one step take longer than you feel it should, don't criticise. Simply say to her, "I think next time we need to allow more time for this stage of the project." Learn from this. Gotta rush. Marg [/QUOTE]
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