Sucker punched in the heart

[MommaBear75]

I just found out that my almost 19 year old son stole my credit card and lied to my face about it. He charged over $300 on it. I feel crushed that my son would do this to me. I told the credit card company that it wasn't me and to go ahead with the fraud investigation. I feel physically ill that he did this. I confronted him and he admitted it. I told him that I can't trust him now and that he needs to move out. He threatened suicide. I'm all cried out. I feel like I failed as a parent. Last night my almost 18 year old daughter allowed herself to be driven by someone who got high with her. They could have killed themselves and others. I don't know how I could have possibly raised kids like this. I'm ashamed.

 

[ThreeShadows]

Momma, it's not your fault. We have raised a generation of over empowered brats. Our therapist told me that once a child reaches the age of eight its peer group had much more influence than its parental involvement. My kids have finally settled down (28 years old). Your son has failed as a beginning adult. Children no longer feel that they must respect their elders. They believe that they are invincible and that we are morons.

 

[ThreeShadows]

If that's your real picture, please consider an avatar.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm really sorry.Not unusual story here. Is he using drugs or do you suspect? Did you call the police?

You need to hide your credit cards, bank accounts and anything else of value. Even if you make him leave, which is reasonable, he could find a way to get back in and if he has a really bad temper, you don't know what might happen. Perhaps change your door locks. Take careful of YOURSELF. Many of us have been in your shoes and we know how it can hurt, but it actually CAN get better.

If he threatens suicide, call 911. Don't play around. Most likely he is being manipulative, but if not, you did all you can. If he IS, he won't like that you actually forced him to go into a hospital for 72 hours and he may not be so quick to guilt you out with that again.

That's why we're here. Together.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I feel crushed that my son would do this to me.

I feel badly for you that this is happening. It's hard for you to know who to feel worse for, yourself because your child betrayed you, or your child, because he betrayed himself.

Nuances of pain, all the colors of it.

I feel physically ill that he did this. I confronted him and he admitted it

Then he will come through this. Admission, that he was caught, that you are following through legally ~ all these are things in his favor.

You are handling this well.

I told him that I can't trust him now and that he needs to move out. He threatened suicide.

If he threatens suicide, call 911. Don't play around. Most likely he is being manipulative, but if not, you did all you can. If he IS, he won't like that you actually forced him to go into a hospital for 72 hours and he may not be so quick to guilt you out with that again.

That's why we're here. Together.

Yes.

And we are here, and knowing that will help you, and us, too.

There is an amazing kind of strength created here on the site, that we all are part of.

:O)

I feel like I failed as a parent.

I don't know how I could have possibly raised kids like this. I'm ashamed.

I feel that way too.

Posting helps me so much with all the overwhelmingly rotten things that keep happening.

I am glad you are here with us, now.

Cedar

 

[WearyMom18]

So much of the time our Difficult Child'S, in the throes of their madness and bad behavior put the blame and abuse and responsibility back on us. I don't know that we will EVER know why they do things that they know will result in consequences they won't like and we can't control that. We CAN control what we do in response and I can say very honestly that for me, hindsight is 20/20. I should have done what you are doing. Call the credit card company, report the fraud, tell him he needs to leave, all things that will require that he answer for his actions and figure it out on his own and that is freedom for you because there is nothing you can do to control his choices or actions at 19 years old.
These are choices made by him as an adult. If it were a 19 year old stranger you wouldn't hesitate to report the theft! By taking action to protect yourself, he will be faced with consequences that come from the law, from society that says it's not okay and for once, whether he admits it or not, he will find that it's not just you that says there are consequences it's the world! My daughter is 18, a meth addict and I'd a professional at this type of behavior so I feel your pain. It's hurtful to be taken advantage of by your own child, the little person you raised all these years but it is what it is. He is an adult, making his own decisions good or bad and that is NOT on you. Your raising of him is done, now, even though frustrating and painful, we have to start to step back and let them live they life they choose.
I know the guilt you feel but by following the guidance and advice of the wonderful people on this board you can find peace.
Stay strong, mean what you say and follow through on any action you tell him you will take.
You can do it!

 

[Tanya M]

Welcome MommaBear,

I am so sorry that your son did that to you. It is such a violation of trust.

I am glad you found this forum. You are not alone, we have all been through it. My son stole from us so many times. The worst one was when he was still in his teens and found what I thought was a very well hidden envelope that had $3000 in it. I had it taped up underneath the headboard on our bed. Not to mention many other times when he would sneak in our bedroom while we were sleeping an steal money out of my husbands wallet.

I don't know how I could have possibly raised kids like this. I'm ashamed.

This is nothing you did and you have nothing to feel ashamed about. I am sure you did not teach your son how to steal. What you are feeling is very common in the beginning. The shock of it all that our own child could do such a thing.

You are not alone.

I told him that I can't trust him now and that he needs to move out. He threatened suicide.

Yes, he should move out. You should not have someone living in your home that you cannot trust. His threat of suicide is also very common behavior. It's a way to manipulate you. He may or may not mean it.
SWOT is correct:

If he threatens suicide, call 911. Don't play around. Most likely he is being manipulative, but if not, you did all you can. If he IS, he won't like that you actually forced him to go into a hospital for 72 hours and he may not be so quick to guilt you out with that again.

Stay close to this site you will find good support and good advice.

Last thing, is that your real picture? You might consider changing it as we do want to protect everyone's privacy here.

((HUGS)) to you.......

 

[TerryJ2]

I am so sorry, MamaBear. I completely understand.
Their impulses override their consciences and common sense.
My son used two of my credit cards and my debit card. Luckily, he only spent 1.84 or something on on, and 6.58 or something on another. The third had 3 pizza charges, roughly $30.
We took away his cell phone and he ran away.
Stupid move on his part.
Long story on another thread.
Does your son have a job? Can you link to his checking account to get some of the money back?
Can you get him to work it off at home?

 

[BusynMember]

I already posted this, but bet it will give you some insight. It did me. Although your son didn't cut you off, he felt it was just fine to take money because he wanted it. Sorry, but years ago, kids, impulsive or not, were afraid to steal from their parents. This is the new reality of how WE raise our children to think they can do anything they want to do. I hate it, but I do think it's true in part.

Children At The Center, Adults On The Outs

In previous generations, no one worried about a child’s self-esteem. In the past, elders’ experiences were valued and their children listened to them. Estrangement did happen, but it appeared to be reserved for parents cutting off a wayward child — the “black sheep” of the family.

After WWII, Dr. Benjamin Spock entered the scene as one of the first parenting experts trying to understand children's needs and talking about family dynamics. Spock gave parents what he considered the best recipes for a healthy happy child. He believed that parents should be more flexible and affectionate with their children and should treat them as individuals. Previous conventional wisdom had been that child-rearing should focus more on building discipline.

So maybe the seed of children cutting off their parents started with us. We boomers were the first generation with parents who were ultra-concerned about making sure their children had a “better” childhood than they had.

A common story among parents who have estranged adult children is how much they had focused on their children, how much they did to make sure their children had all the best advantages, made them the center of the family universe — and often how they treated them more like an equal or an adult than a child.

With more permissions, more social pressures and changes to the traditional family structure, I believe the shift in parenting that started back in the ‘40s needs to be examined.

Has a change in parenting style led to the rise of narcissism in subsequent generations over time, resulting in the ability of adult children to cut off their parents without much thought or concern for the consequences?

I believe that a culture of “self-esteem” — give everybody an award, change dress sizes so larger people feel smaller, allow teens to be disrespectful to those in authority — has set the tone and created a possible outcome I don’t think anyone expected: the idea that it’s OK to cut off contact with your parents.

When something, or more specifically, someone, no longer supports the view you have of yourself — get rid of them!

 

[MommaBear75]

If that's your real picture, please consider an avatar.

What does your comment mean? That is my real picture of course. I find this insulting.

 

[InsaneCdn]

MommaBear... This is an anonymous forum. Because we are dealing with issues that are highly private, all of us hide our real identities - including not using real names, and not using real pictures. It's for your own safety.

 

[DoneDad]

What does your comment mean? That is my real picture of course. I find this insulting.

No insult intended, I'm sure. It's to protect your identity and your son's. I have a picture of my dog, who's a good boy.

To your original issue, many of us here know the pain and feeling of betrayal when our own kids steal from us. My own Difficult Child daughter (who is doing better lately) stole from her sick grandmother in the retirement home while supposedly visiting her. She stole jewelry, including her wedding ring from her deceased husband of over 50 years. Her intention was to sell it for meth. So we know how painful this can be.

You have found a group of people that get it. Please keep posting and reading. It's helped me a lot.

 

[Lil]

What does your comment mean? That is my real picture of course. I find this insulting.

They only meant that we don't use photos. Many people here post such personal things that they don't want anyone inadvertently finding out who they are. They didn't mean to insult you!

Our own son is 20 and we put him out last October for stealing from us, after many chances. He's slowly, I hope, getting his act together. It's only in the last three weeks we've been able to spend any time with him without it hurting.

Please stay. Keep posting. There is wonderful support here.