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Talk about guilt--will this family ever heal?
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 654306" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Terry, the road to detachment is one step at a time. </p><p></p><p>here are a few of the first steps:</p><p></p><p>1. Keep it simple. Get very clear with what you want and what you will tolerate. Write it down. Keep it short. </p><p>2. Stay on "your side" of the street. Keep your side of the street clean. That is what you were doing when you apologized for that one mistake. Trying hard to keep a clean conscience about your own behavior is a full time job. </p><p>3. Mind your own business. No detective work anymore. Limit your questions and interrogations. Details aren't necessary at this point in terms of what he is using and how he is getting his money. You already know the answers to this. I used to spend hours searching my son's room, car, backpack. For what? Evidence? I had all the evidence I already needed in his bloodshot eyes. This type of activity is completely unnecessary and more evidence of our need to control. We need to use that same frenetic energy on ourselves and our own mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health. </p><p>4. Set boundaries with natural consequences for those boundaries. I understand he is still in your home and that makes it quadruple hard. You might limit these girlfriends being in your home at all. Just a thought.</p><p></p><p>It is very unlikely that he is going to change right now. That means, you are the one who has to change. </p><p></p><p>What are you doing to work for change in yourself? This forum is one thing. Read and write on it daily. Are you going to Al-Anon? </p><p></p><p>Terry, you are worth the work. Start putting yourself first. You are 51% and he is 49%. He will not change until he is ready to change. There is not one thing you can do to hurry that up.</p><p></p><p>Warm hugs, Terry. We care most about YOU.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 654306, member: 17542"] Terry, the road to detachment is one step at a time. here are a few of the first steps: 1. Keep it simple. Get very clear with what you want and what you will tolerate. Write it down. Keep it short. 2. Stay on "your side" of the street. Keep your side of the street clean. That is what you were doing when you apologized for that one mistake. Trying hard to keep a clean conscience about your own behavior is a full time job. 3. Mind your own business. No detective work anymore. Limit your questions and interrogations. Details aren't necessary at this point in terms of what he is using and how he is getting his money. You already know the answers to this. I used to spend hours searching my son's room, car, backpack. For what? Evidence? I had all the evidence I already needed in his bloodshot eyes. This type of activity is completely unnecessary and more evidence of our need to control. We need to use that same frenetic energy on ourselves and our own mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health. 4. Set boundaries with natural consequences for those boundaries. I understand he is still in your home and that makes it quadruple hard. You might limit these girlfriends being in your home at all. Just a thought. It is very unlikely that he is going to change right now. That means, you are the one who has to change. What are you doing to work for change in yourself? This forum is one thing. Read and write on it daily. Are you going to Al-Anon? Terry, you are worth the work. Start putting yourself first. You are 51% and he is 49%. He will not change until he is ready to change. There is not one thing you can do to hurry that up. Warm hugs, Terry. We care most about YOU. [/QUOTE]
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Talk about guilt--will this family ever heal?
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