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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 714058" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Speaking only for myself, I had to put myself as the priority and seek quite a bit of professional help. I entered into a 2 year long Codependency Course lead by therapists, a private therapist and a group. I was also in CoDa groups. I had to learn what exactly my boundaries were before I learned to enforce them. And I had to learn that I deserved to even have boundaries to enforce since my early learning did not include healthy boundaries. </p><p></p><p>I read constantly, books like Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie, Comfortable with Uncertainty by Pema Chodron (and all her other books too!), I read books by Eckhart Tolle about living in the present moment. I meditated. I hiked. I changed my diet eliminating sugar, dairy and meat. I knew, left to my own devices I would not have the wherewithal to change on my own. I had to be in environments where I was coached in new ways of thinking, where I was called on my "faulty thinking," where I could see more than 2 options (because there are many options and seeing only two is a setup for failure) I listened to folks further along the road. I wrote on this board daily and got incredible support. I questioned my long held beliefs with a new willingness to change them to include myself. I looked at my fears and examined them truthfully and with professional help. I stopped feeling as if everything was my fault and my responsibility. I made my well being and my peace of mind the priority. I learned ways to wait, to REFRAIN from responding to my daughters many dramas and requests. And, in that space of refraining, it would give me just enough time to take a breath and realize I do not have to participate in this dialogue, I can remove myself. That in itself was a new thought. I believed where my child was concerned, that I could not in any way shape or form,turn my back on her. But, I learned that I wasn't turning my back on her, I was setting boundaries and taking care of myself. I learned to let go of black and white thinking, either/or thinking.....I learned to explore options I had cast aside before.....I learned to be open minded and listen to different ways of thinking and being.... I learned to step back and NOT respond to every request that came down the pike. I learned new techniques for detaching with love and accepting what I cannot change. I stopped blaming myself for what happened to my daughter. I slowly let the guilt go. It does reappear on occasion, but I have tools that I have learned that get me back to center.</p><p></p><p>For me, it was a journey of letting go of pretty much most of my beliefs and ideas about parenting, love, giving and helping. And then I had to learn a very different way.</p><p></p><p>This is "hard and painful." It is the nature of the beast, these are our children, the people we would give our lives for, it is very painful to be on the sidelines watching their lives blow up, watching them make poor choices which continually put them in harms way. And even harder to allow them to handle the consequences of their own behavior and choices.</p><p></p><p>It is odd, as some have mentioned, for us to be the ones who change, but very often, our kids don't or won't change and we can't make them change, so what is the alternative? We are powerless to change them or anyone.......the only true power we have is to change ourselves and the way we respond. The way I did that was to enter an intense program which I looked at like a rehab for Codependents/enablers/rescuers and Mothers of difficult adult kids...I needed my internal structure to be evaluated by professionals in therapy and I needed someone to correct any thinking that was not working for me or my daughter. It was an eye opening experience to say the least. But as I opened to a new way and learned to put the focus on me and what I wanted and needed, honestly, the rest began to smooth out. It wasn't easy and it wasn't quick because there was a lot for me to learn, but I had a huge commitment to change because I was suffering all the time, there was no let up. It was like a drug addict who reaches her bottom, I reached my bottom and I became willing to do whatever it took to change. And the irony is, whatever it took meant learning to love and accept myself and to develop tools to be able to thrive, as opposed to simply surviving.</p><p></p><p>I may have mentioned this to you already, but a good quote that helped me is: "pain is inevitable, suffering is optional." We have the power to choose.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 714058, member: 13542"] Speaking only for myself, I had to put myself as the priority and seek quite a bit of professional help. I entered into a 2 year long Codependency Course lead by therapists, a private therapist and a group. I was also in CoDa groups. I had to learn what exactly my boundaries were before I learned to enforce them. And I had to learn that I deserved to even have boundaries to enforce since my early learning did not include healthy boundaries. I read constantly, books like Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie, Comfortable with Uncertainty by Pema Chodron (and all her other books too!), I read books by Eckhart Tolle about living in the present moment. I meditated. I hiked. I changed my diet eliminating sugar, dairy and meat. I knew, left to my own devices I would not have the wherewithal to change on my own. I had to be in environments where I was coached in new ways of thinking, where I was called on my "faulty thinking," where I could see more than 2 options (because there are many options and seeing only two is a setup for failure) I listened to folks further along the road. I wrote on this board daily and got incredible support. I questioned my long held beliefs with a new willingness to change them to include myself. I looked at my fears and examined them truthfully and with professional help. I stopped feeling as if everything was my fault and my responsibility. I made my well being and my peace of mind the priority. I learned ways to wait, to REFRAIN from responding to my daughters many dramas and requests. And, in that space of refraining, it would give me just enough time to take a breath and realize I do not have to participate in this dialogue, I can remove myself. That in itself was a new thought. I believed where my child was concerned, that I could not in any way shape or form,turn my back on her. But, I learned that I wasn't turning my back on her, I was setting boundaries and taking care of myself. I learned to let go of black and white thinking, either/or thinking.....I learned to explore options I had cast aside before.....I learned to be open minded and listen to different ways of thinking and being.... I learned to step back and NOT respond to every request that came down the pike. I learned new techniques for detaching with love and accepting what I cannot change. I stopped blaming myself for what happened to my daughter. I slowly let the guilt go. It does reappear on occasion, but I have tools that I have learned that get me back to center. For me, it was a journey of letting go of pretty much most of my beliefs and ideas about parenting, love, giving and helping. And then I had to learn a very different way. This is "hard and painful." It is the nature of the beast, these are our children, the people we would give our lives for, it is very painful to be on the sidelines watching their lives blow up, watching them make poor choices which continually put them in harms way. And even harder to allow them to handle the consequences of their own behavior and choices. It is odd, as some have mentioned, for us to be the ones who change, but very often, our kids don't or won't change and we can't make them change, so what is the alternative? We are powerless to change them or anyone.......the only true power we have is to change ourselves and the way we respond. The way I did that was to enter an intense program which I looked at like a rehab for Codependents/enablers/rescuers and Mothers of difficult adult kids...I needed my internal structure to be evaluated by professionals in therapy and I needed someone to correct any thinking that was not working for me or my daughter. It was an eye opening experience to say the least. But as I opened to a new way and learned to put the focus on me and what I wanted and needed, honestly, the rest began to smooth out. It wasn't easy and it wasn't quick because there was a lot for me to learn, but I had a huge commitment to change because I was suffering all the time, there was no let up. It was like a drug addict who reaches her bottom, I reached my bottom and I became willing to do whatever it took to change. And the irony is, whatever it took meant learning to love and accept myself and to develop tools to be able to thrive, as opposed to simply surviving. I may have mentioned this to you already, but a good quote that helped me is: "pain is inevitable, suffering is optional." We have the power to choose. [/QUOTE]
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