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Texting CD Child Before Bed (And The Distress Of It)
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 753404" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>I totally understand where you are coming from. The peace of mind knowing that your child is "alive" can bring a comfort to us.</p><p></p><p>We each can only do what we can live with. When we start to recognize that something isn't quite right and it's causing us distress, we must do as you are doing now, questioning the validity of it.</p><p></p><p>When my son was younger and out wondering the streets I had no way of knowing if he was alive. This was years before cell phones, tablets and social media were a available. I had to rely on him "showing up" or calling on that ancient "land line". Technology can be a good thing and it can also be a crutch. When technology caught up with my son and he had a tablet and joined FB, I found myself always checking his page to see what he was up to. I learned that it was not healthy for me as I would see things that made my skin crawl. For me, the only way I was able to really move on from "needing to know" if my son was alive was to really let go. It was not easy but it has allowed me a freedom and a peace that I would not have otherwise. I had to fully accept my worst fear, that my son could die and I would never know. As I write this, I don't know where my son is, if he's alive, in jail, or what he's doing. I will always love my son and I will always hope and pray that he is doing well but I can no longer exhaust myself emotionally worrying and wondering. </p><p></p><p>Our adult children are just that, adults and they will live their lives the way they want to regardless of how we feel. The hard part for us as parents is to accept this reality but without acceptance we can stay stuck in the FOG.</p><p></p><p>I think it's very healthy that you are questioning your nightly ritual of contacting your daughter. Yes, you are correct, it is a co-dependency. It may be time for you to start dialing it back a bit. Instead of every night perhaps every other night. Set some clear boundaries for yourself. Say for example, if you know she's drunk, then tell her "I don't want to talk to you when you are intoxicated, I love you, goodbye" and then turn off your phone. Or, you could tell her "I'm exhausted and need to get some sleep, I love you, goodbye" then turn off your phone. </p><p>You have the power to limit what you are willing to put up with. Clear boundaries are a must. It can feel awkward in the beginning and even feel like a betrayal but it does get easier. I remember times when my son would call me from jail and as soon as he started dropping the "F" bomb and other cussing, I would warn him, "do not use that language or I'll hang up". If he said it again, yes, I would just hang up. There were times I would have to unplug the phone from the wall because he would try to call me back.</p><p></p><p>We all love our difficult adult children but we also cannot allow them to hold our emotions hostage. Our lives matter too and we should all be living the very best lives we can. It's okay to be happy even if our children are miserable. </p><p></p><p>((HUGS)) to you........................</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 753404, member: 18516"] I totally understand where you are coming from. The peace of mind knowing that your child is "alive" can bring a comfort to us. We each can only do what we can live with. When we start to recognize that something isn't quite right and it's causing us distress, we must do as you are doing now, questioning the validity of it. When my son was younger and out wondering the streets I had no way of knowing if he was alive. This was years before cell phones, tablets and social media were a available. I had to rely on him "showing up" or calling on that ancient "land line". Technology can be a good thing and it can also be a crutch. When technology caught up with my son and he had a tablet and joined FB, I found myself always checking his page to see what he was up to. I learned that it was not healthy for me as I would see things that made my skin crawl. For me, the only way I was able to really move on from "needing to know" if my son was alive was to really let go. It was not easy but it has allowed me a freedom and a peace that I would not have otherwise. I had to fully accept my worst fear, that my son could die and I would never know. As I write this, I don't know where my son is, if he's alive, in jail, or what he's doing. I will always love my son and I will always hope and pray that he is doing well but I can no longer exhaust myself emotionally worrying and wondering. Our adult children are just that, adults and they will live their lives the way they want to regardless of how we feel. The hard part for us as parents is to accept this reality but without acceptance we can stay stuck in the FOG. I think it's very healthy that you are questioning your nightly ritual of contacting your daughter. Yes, you are correct, it is a co-dependency. It may be time for you to start dialing it back a bit. Instead of every night perhaps every other night. Set some clear boundaries for yourself. Say for example, if you know she's drunk, then tell her "I don't want to talk to you when you are intoxicated, I love you, goodbye" and then turn off your phone. Or, you could tell her "I'm exhausted and need to get some sleep, I love you, goodbye" then turn off your phone. You have the power to limit what you are willing to put up with. Clear boundaries are a must. It can feel awkward in the beginning and even feel like a betrayal but it does get easier. I remember times when my son would call me from jail and as soon as he started dropping the "F" bomb and other cussing, I would warn him, "do not use that language or I'll hang up". If he said it again, yes, I would just hang up. There were times I would have to unplug the phone from the wall because he would try to call me back. We all love our difficult adult children but we also cannot allow them to hold our emotions hostage. Our lives matter too and we should all be living the very best lives we can. It's okay to be happy even if our children are miserable. ((HUGS)) to you........................ [/QUOTE]
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Texting CD Child Before Bed (And The Distress Of It)
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