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Family of Origin
Thanks to all of you who were so helpful this week.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 654308" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Morning, everyone.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>I am on the East coast. It's 6:30 here, now. </p><p></p><p>SWOT, you already know this. You were the one who told me. But it is so hard to see it, when we are the ones being victimized. </p><p></p><p>Of course your sister would unite with whatever factions she could to condemn you. There needs to be a faction because two people lying is more believable than one person lying. Your sister is dumping the family pathology on you, and she is not about to let you go.</p><p></p><p>Classic.</p><p></p><p>Your sister is gaslighting you on what she did or did not see, on what she does or does not remember, about your upbringing.</p><p></p><p>Of course she is, SWOT!</p><p></p><p>That is what she does. That is what she has always done. You are stronger now, so she is trying harder to destroy you.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry, but you are never going to have the family you hoped for and believed in any more than I will. It is sad, but toxic is toxic. It isn't going to change <em>because the most ill members do not want it to change. They want it to reflect their reality. That is why our families work like they do in the first place. </em>That is why holidays can be so weird. All those old roles being played, when they have nothing at all to do with today.</p><p></p><p>Nothing to do with you.</p><p></p><p>Abusers abuse because they abuse.</p><p></p><p>It's not even anything personal.</p><p></p><p>She is making crazy, instead of making loving secure family, because <em>that is how she needs it to be</em>.</p><p></p><p>You cannot change this. Only if you were willing to find evidence and tear her apart the way she claims to have evidence and has zero compassion about tearing you apart.</p><p></p><p>There is the truth right there, SWOT.</p><p></p><p>She WANTS to hurt you. She wants you groveling and destroyed and ashamed.</p><p></p><p>That is what makes her happy. You will never understand because that is not something that would validate you or make you happy. </p><p></p><p>Seeing someone hurt would make you want to help the other person. </p><p></p><p>That is the basic difference, and you will never get it because you are not a sociopath.</p><p></p><p>As you got healthier and healthier, your behavior toward your sister changed. Maybe the shift was subtle...or maybe, the changes in you felt like a volcano had blown, to her. I get the feeling your sister was used to you chasing her down to find out what was wrong, was she alright, were the two of you still okay together. When that stopped, and when you stopped being afraid of her and then, stopped being afraid of being without her and even, stopped thinking about her so much at all, <em>it shook her world.</em></p><p></p><p><em>She is trying to rebalance her world by forcing you to accept her version of reality.</em></p><p></p><p>Classic Gaslighting.</p><p></p><p>And it is working. She is hurting you, making you doubt yourself and your truth <em>as she has done all of your life.</em> That is why whatever tactics she is using work for her. You have been trained to respond to whatever it is she is doing just as you are <em>and she knows that.</em></p><p></p><p>Whatever she does will hurt you because whatever she chooses to do is designed to hurt and confuse and pull out all the strength that holds you together, now.</p><p></p><p>Shame on her.</p><p></p><p>But you are no longer alone with it. You have witnesses now, and people who will come to your defense. There was nothing more you ever needed, to stand up to them and their insistence on a skewed and cruel version of reality, but good witness.</p><p></p><p>That is what they say, you know: Right needs no defense, just good witness.</p><p></p><p>I am working today, so I need to go.</p><p></p><p>Stay well and strong. You are doing just fine. Everything you grow through puts you further from that place where any effort she makes to destroy you can even touch you.</p><p></p><p>Soon enough, you will be well enough that you may even feel pity for her.</p><p></p><p>Then, compassion.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 654308, member: 17461"] Morning, everyone. :O) I am on the East coast. It's 6:30 here, now. SWOT, you already know this. You were the one who told me. But it is so hard to see it, when we are the ones being victimized. Of course your sister would unite with whatever factions she could to condemn you. There needs to be a faction because two people lying is more believable than one person lying. Your sister is dumping the family pathology on you, and she is not about to let you go. Classic. Your sister is gaslighting you on what she did or did not see, on what she does or does not remember, about your upbringing. Of course she is, SWOT! That is what she does. That is what she has always done. You are stronger now, so she is trying harder to destroy you. I am so sorry, but you are never going to have the family you hoped for and believed in any more than I will. It is sad, but toxic is toxic. It isn't going to change [I]because the most ill members do not want it to change. They want it to reflect their reality. That is why our families work like they do in the first place. [/I]That is why holidays can be so weird. All those old roles being played, when they have nothing at all to do with today. Nothing to do with you. Abusers abuse because they abuse. It's not even anything personal. She is making crazy, instead of making loving secure family, because [I]that is how she needs it to be[/I]. You cannot change this. Only if you were willing to find evidence and tear her apart the way she claims to have evidence and has zero compassion about tearing you apart. There is the truth right there, SWOT. She WANTS to hurt you. She wants you groveling and destroyed and ashamed. That is what makes her happy. You will never understand because that is not something that would validate you or make you happy. Seeing someone hurt would make you want to help the other person. That is the basic difference, and you will never get it because you are not a sociopath. As you got healthier and healthier, your behavior toward your sister changed. Maybe the shift was subtle...or maybe, the changes in you felt like a volcano had blown, to her. I get the feeling your sister was used to you chasing her down to find out what was wrong, was she alright, were the two of you still okay together. When that stopped, and when you stopped being afraid of her and then, stopped being afraid of being without her and even, stopped thinking about her so much at all, [I]it shook her world.[/I] [I]She is trying to rebalance her world by forcing you to accept her version of reality.[/I] Classic Gaslighting. And it is working. She is hurting you, making you doubt yourself and your truth [I]as she has done all of your life.[/I] That is why whatever tactics she is using work for her. You have been trained to respond to whatever it is she is doing just as you are [I]and she knows that.[/I] Whatever she does will hurt you because whatever she chooses to do is designed to hurt and confuse and pull out all the strength that holds you together, now. Shame on her. But you are no longer alone with it. You have witnesses now, and people who will come to your defense. There was nothing more you ever needed, to stand up to them and their insistence on a skewed and cruel version of reality, but good witness. That is what they say, you know: Right needs no defense, just good witness. I am working today, so I need to go. Stay well and strong. You are doing just fine. Everything you grow through puts you further from that place where any effort she makes to destroy you can even touch you. Soon enough, you will be well enough that you may even feel pity for her. Then, compassion. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Thanks to all of you who were so helpful this week.
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