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Thanks to all of you who were so helpful this week.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 654310" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Cedar, I have to work today too. I am answering so that you can see this when you get home.</p><p></p><p>There are reasons Sis started this. I was really battling my mood disorder in my early years and not on the right medications, which made me vulnerable and, being the shallow person she is, she did not recognize mental illness. But she has a long, long history of overreacting to anyone who she disagrees with or doesn't like to look at and also a history of cutting people up behind their backs. Not that I never did it. But with her, these are her friends who embraced her later in life and helped her when she needed it. They made some dumb romantic choices. BUT SO DID SHE. She is attracted to drama queens and therefore is still steeped in every day drama. I used to do that too, but, being more introverted, was never as quick to throw my lot in with a group of people. I had two extremely close, solid friendships until one of them died and I moved so far from the other, but, as she says, nothing will ever break our bond. She is my go-to person and I am hers when things are either very good or very rough. She is an amazing person whom I met when Bart was maybe two and she was pregnant with her second child and the incredible instant bond between us is never broken. I miss my deceased "sister" very much...the woman who passed away too young and whom did call us sisters. In all our years together, we never had a fight. We'd always gently agree to disagree. This is the same with my other friend who is still on earth with me.</p><p></p><p>The last time my sister and I spoke, I told her flat out that if she hungup or went no contact again, that was it. I had changed A LOT. I was and still am A LOT stronger. I have old texts of us that last day where I was bringing up the unspoken, family secrets. She always said nobody validated her, which is ironic. I dared to bring up my one issue that I had kept to myself for years and if I want to, I can still read it. I told her that, although she and my brother, had not had to at least say to my mother, "You know, Pam is nice. Stop talking that way about her. I don't want to hear it"...that it bothered me that they hadn't. I WOULD HAVE DONE IT FOR THEM! There is no way I'd listen to that crapola about either of them without at least speaking my mind. I know myself and I know I would have told her to be nicer to them or to go fly a kite. That's how I am and how I get. I try to be everyone's hero and that kind of crapola would not have flown with me. I dearly loved them both, and nobody, not even my mother, was going to treat them the way she treated me without my two cents. I told her she had not had to do it...I know that. I told her that, however, because she hadn't, it had kind of bothered me all my life. And the truth was finally out. I said it. I dared. They can't gaslight me. I kept the texts. I don't read them often, but I do when I need reminding.</p><p></p><p>After that, her texts got more irrational and she kept trying to bait me. She called me borderline (gets old as I write it). She brought up my overinvolvement with Jumper and her first boyfriend J. and I wrote back "Yes, that was quite a mess." Whatever she texted me, I would not get angry. I did not attack her. She got angrier and angrier and tried and tried to bait me, but she couldn't. In the end, I finally said I think we need a few days rest from each other and she said "It will be longer for me."</p><p></p><p>Of course it would. It would be forever.</p><p></p><p>You were right about my sister. I am much healthier now and saw things more clearly. I had looked up to my sister most of my life. I thought she as the stable one out of the three of us. But since the divorce I got to know the real her a lot better. The woman who cheated with a married man with not a caring thought of his wife and young child, who justified it because it benefitted HER. After all, he was younger and complimented her looks (she is very pretty and VAIN) and he showed her how to have GOOD sex. And, although she claimed they were not romantically involved, she cried over the phone to me a few times when he had not called her. That was a real wake up call. I even then tried to support her, although I also tried to tell her this was not good for her, but it lowered my opinion of her. Then she hooked up with Abuse Me Boy and I really had to give it a hard thought...would a healthy, sane person allow themselves to be abused and mistreated so badly? For four years? And cry over him? And never cut HIM off for reasons she has never explained. He was downright mean to her. Almost all the time. A healthy person would not be with him for FIVE YEARS. Then there were other little things like she lives with her ex for monetary reasons and he was the one who was always with her son because she was always with her lover. The disintegration of how stable I thought she was, kept tumbling down. And I had to admit to myself that she still had eating issues big time. I started seeing her as not very compassionate and as a weak, needy person who would even put up with AbuseMeBoy in order to not be alone. One who still lived with her ex (and claimed that it was the new thing...people lived with their ex's for financial reasons). Uh...okie.</p><p></p><p>That made me question her opinion of me or anybody.</p><p></p><p>She can be very charming and manipulative and can suck back even people she hurt terribly, such as brother who was not allowed at her wedding. She is fast at coming up with excuses that sound good. I was never a good faker, but she knows how. I mean, how many times had she done it to me?</p><p></p><p>So, yes, I was healthy when this happened...or pretty dang close to it. And I still am. I know now. And it is a grieving process. The sister I thought I had...the one who was cool and pretty and had friends and had survived our crazy family...had never been a real sister and isn't even a real friend. God help me, she has made fun of all of her friends. But she is good at smiling at them to their faces. Is that a friend I'd want? NO!!!!! As for my brother, as the Golden Child who lived on the east coast for years, he got out early and had little knowledge of anything that really went on except what he was told. I think he tries to be a good person, and I believe he thinks Sis is right because he doesn't know any better. He wasn't there. He doesn't know how she REALLY felt about him...and it is predictable that she would sweet talk him now that I am gone. She needs somebody to talk to who will listen to her crapola. That's another way we are different. I would rather give that crapola to the therapists or to people who don't know me, like here.</p><p></p><p>So, yes, as I got healthy she didn't like it. Our roles were changing. I felt like the strong one. I had t he loving family and lived in peace while she was a mess. I *felt* the roles changing. I even got tired of listening to her talk about Abusive Boyfriend because I knew he'd keep hurting her, maybe even physically, and it scared me and I just couldn't listen anymore so I set a boundary which s he would not accept. She called it controlling. All boundaries are controlling. They are for us, not for the other person.</p><p></p><p>I don't miss her, the real her. I am grieving that the sister and even the brother I thought I had are nothing but two sad adults reading my stuff and laughing about it and, like my husband said, "Don't they have a life?" I knew where my sister posted. I just never went there until that day when I felt so compelled to do it, and I have not been back. I am actually very busy and have no time for that, plus it is so childish. Of coruse her life, even with the same people, was different from mine. I don't need to read about it. That's just how life is. I don't know about her interactions with the rest of the family, except they all put on their "we're all ok" smiles and made nice.</p><p></p><p>Grieving does have a limit and goes away and so shall this. I so wanted sis to be the strong one and brother to be the logical, smart, level-headed one. Both are still children, my sister more than my brother. I really do feel he is basically a good guy, wit issues, who just got sucked into the hurricane that is my sister. And, boy, is she good at sucking people in.</p><p></p><p>Thank you again, Cedar. I hope you had a good work day. I have to hit the grind myself in a few <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> Much love and caring to you for your kindness.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 654310, member: 1550"] Cedar, I have to work today too. I am answering so that you can see this when you get home. There are reasons Sis started this. I was really battling my mood disorder in my early years and not on the right medications, which made me vulnerable and, being the shallow person she is, she did not recognize mental illness. But she has a long, long history of overreacting to anyone who she disagrees with or doesn't like to look at and also a history of cutting people up behind their backs. Not that I never did it. But with her, these are her friends who embraced her later in life and helped her when she needed it. They made some dumb romantic choices. BUT SO DID SHE. She is attracted to drama queens and therefore is still steeped in every day drama. I used to do that too, but, being more introverted, was never as quick to throw my lot in with a group of people. I had two extremely close, solid friendships until one of them died and I moved so far from the other, but, as she says, nothing will ever break our bond. She is my go-to person and I am hers when things are either very good or very rough. She is an amazing person whom I met when Bart was maybe two and she was pregnant with her second child and the incredible instant bond between us is never broken. I miss my deceased "sister" very much...the woman who passed away too young and whom did call us sisters. In all our years together, we never had a fight. We'd always gently agree to disagree. This is the same with my other friend who is still on earth with me. The last time my sister and I spoke, I told her flat out that if she hungup or went no contact again, that was it. I had changed A LOT. I was and still am A LOT stronger. I have old texts of us that last day where I was bringing up the unspoken, family secrets. She always said nobody validated her, which is ironic. I dared to bring up my one issue that I had kept to myself for years and if I want to, I can still read it. I told her that, although she and my brother, had not had to at least say to my mother, "You know, Pam is nice. Stop talking that way about her. I don't want to hear it"...that it bothered me that they hadn't. I WOULD HAVE DONE IT FOR THEM! There is no way I'd listen to that crapola about either of them without at least speaking my mind. I know myself and I know I would have told her to be nicer to them or to go fly a kite. That's how I am and how I get. I try to be everyone's hero and that kind of crapola would not have flown with me. I dearly loved them both, and nobody, not even my mother, was going to treat them the way she treated me without my two cents. I told her she had not had to do it...I know that. I told her that, however, because she hadn't, it had kind of bothered me all my life. And the truth was finally out. I said it. I dared. They can't gaslight me. I kept the texts. I don't read them often, but I do when I need reminding. After that, her texts got more irrational and she kept trying to bait me. She called me borderline (gets old as I write it). She brought up my overinvolvement with Jumper and her first boyfriend J. and I wrote back "Yes, that was quite a mess." Whatever she texted me, I would not get angry. I did not attack her. She got angrier and angrier and tried and tried to bait me, but she couldn't. In the end, I finally said I think we need a few days rest from each other and she said "It will be longer for me." Of course it would. It would be forever. You were right about my sister. I am much healthier now and saw things more clearly. I had looked up to my sister most of my life. I thought she as the stable one out of the three of us. But since the divorce I got to know the real her a lot better. The woman who cheated with a married man with not a caring thought of his wife and young child, who justified it because it benefitted HER. After all, he was younger and complimented her looks (she is very pretty and VAIN) and he showed her how to have GOOD sex. And, although she claimed they were not romantically involved, she cried over the phone to me a few times when he had not called her. That was a real wake up call. I even then tried to support her, although I also tried to tell her this was not good for her, but it lowered my opinion of her. Then she hooked up with Abuse Me Boy and I really had to give it a hard thought...would a healthy, sane person allow themselves to be abused and mistreated so badly? For four years? And cry over him? And never cut HIM off for reasons she has never explained. He was downright mean to her. Almost all the time. A healthy person would not be with him for FIVE YEARS. Then there were other little things like she lives with her ex for monetary reasons and he was the one who was always with her son because she was always with her lover. The disintegration of how stable I thought she was, kept tumbling down. And I had to admit to myself that she still had eating issues big time. I started seeing her as not very compassionate and as a weak, needy person who would even put up with AbuseMeBoy in order to not be alone. One who still lived with her ex (and claimed that it was the new thing...people lived with their ex's for financial reasons). Uh...okie. That made me question her opinion of me or anybody. She can be very charming and manipulative and can suck back even people she hurt terribly, such as brother who was not allowed at her wedding. She is fast at coming up with excuses that sound good. I was never a good faker, but she knows how. I mean, how many times had she done it to me? So, yes, I was healthy when this happened...or pretty dang close to it. And I still am. I know now. And it is a grieving process. The sister I thought I had...the one who was cool and pretty and had friends and had survived our crazy family...had never been a real sister and isn't even a real friend. God help me, she has made fun of all of her friends. But she is good at smiling at them to their faces. Is that a friend I'd want? NO!!!!! As for my brother, as the Golden Child who lived on the east coast for years, he got out early and had little knowledge of anything that really went on except what he was told. I think he tries to be a good person, and I believe he thinks Sis is right because he doesn't know any better. He wasn't there. He doesn't know how she REALLY felt about him...and it is predictable that she would sweet talk him now that I am gone. She needs somebody to talk to who will listen to her crapola. That's another way we are different. I would rather give that crapola to the therapists or to people who don't know me, like here. So, yes, as I got healthy she didn't like it. Our roles were changing. I felt like the strong one. I had t he loving family and lived in peace while she was a mess. I *felt* the roles changing. I even got tired of listening to her talk about Abusive Boyfriend because I knew he'd keep hurting her, maybe even physically, and it scared me and I just couldn't listen anymore so I set a boundary which s he would not accept. She called it controlling. All boundaries are controlling. They are for us, not for the other person. I don't miss her, the real her. I am grieving that the sister and even the brother I thought I had are nothing but two sad adults reading my stuff and laughing about it and, like my husband said, "Don't they have a life?" I knew where my sister posted. I just never went there until that day when I felt so compelled to do it, and I have not been back. I am actually very busy and have no time for that, plus it is so childish. Of coruse her life, even with the same people, was different from mine. I don't need to read about it. That's just how life is. I don't know about her interactions with the rest of the family, except they all put on their "we're all ok" smiles and made nice. Grieving does have a limit and goes away and so shall this. I so wanted sis to be the strong one and brother to be the logical, smart, level-headed one. Both are still children, my sister more than my brother. I really do feel he is basically a good guy, wit issues, who just got sucked into the hurricane that is my sister. And, boy, is she good at sucking people in. Thank you again, Cedar. I hope you had a good work day. I have to hit the grind myself in a few :) Much love and caring to you for your kindness. [/QUOTE]
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