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Family of Origin
that darn bull again
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 708423" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>CQ is a rank witch. No matter what happens, it will be your fault. When your dad gets into an accident, she WILL try to put the blame onto you. She will likely try to tell the cops that YOU told her that it was perfectly fine for your father to drive in spite of the fact that she is the one in the car with him. Why is she not the one driving? Is she too stupid to figure out how? Because honestly, to get into a car with someone who has alzheimers and to let them have the keys, you have to be. I don't mean to be mean about her, but it is just a really stupid thing to do. </p><p></p><p>You gave her the option of the DMV or the other evaluation. This is not just CQ's life or some innocent person's life on the line. Your father's life is on the line here also. He is not able to make this decision. It is clear and obvious that his wife is not going to make it, and your siblings have some other kind of motives going on or they are just not strong enough to take a stand even with their father's life on the line. If someone had a bullet pointed at his head and you could push the gun away, would you do it? This is pretty much the same thing. That accident IS going to happen. You saw his driving. It is common sense, not quantum physics. It is time to contact the DMV and to report him. In my opinion CQ is just daring you to do it. I think she secretly wants you to and cannot admit it. She knows that he won't pass the test. But if she takes him, she is the bad guy. </p><p></p><p>One thing you may not be aware of. People with alzheimers can be like living with adult size toddlers. They have tantrums like 2 or 3 year olds. They can be very violent. In my teens I had adoptive grandparents who lived next door. I could not have loved them more if they were my grandparents. In my 20s, the man, B, got alzheimers. I knew little about it. He never had a violent outburst around me, but his wife managed him carefully around me as I usually had infant Wiz with me. I remember the day I had to go and tell my father that she had 2 black eyes and bruises all over herself. I had stopped by to visit and she didn't have her makeup on yet because she couldn't hold her makeup sponge to put it on. Her hands were too sore and bruised. B went into a nursing home that weekend because he clearly needed more care and it wasn't safe to have him at home. His wife wasn't happy, but we loved her too. Their only son was my dad's age and died some years before, and we were their family for every purpose. We called the relatives and put some pressure on to help the decision get made. It came to light that they had wondered if he had hurt her, but no one had gotten her to admit it until then. It broke my heart, and would have crushed B. In his right mind he would have shot himself if he had ever harmed a hair on his wife's body, much less put a bruise on her. To see her all bruised up like that totally shocked me. I had to talk to a doctor about it to understand. But this is actually not uncommon in alzheimers because the frustration levels get so high and the coping mechanisms are pretty much gone. </p><p></p><p>As time passed I was one of very few who could get B to do anything without a tantrum. I flat out lied to him and told him whatever we were doing was his idea. Usually it was something he either needed to do or would truly enjoy doing, never something just to make my life easier. It helped him not get so upset, and it let him enjoy his life more. Some of the nurses told me it was awful to lie to him, to manipulate him, but he was generally happy around me and happy to see me. Even when he wasn't sure who I was, he was sure we were going to do something fun. That was my goal, and it worked. As he never knew he didn't have a plan to do those things, I don't feel bad. </p><p></p><p>Pigless, I don't know if your Dad is having tantrum at CQ. I will say that she is taking some really scary risks with his life and I find them to be horrible. I also think that things may be pretty bad for her when no one is around, especially as into having everything be 'just so' as she seems to be. Living with someone with alzheimers can be very difficult. She may be afraid on some level to tell him he cannot drive. Even if she cannot admit this to you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 708423, member: 1233"] CQ is a rank witch. No matter what happens, it will be your fault. When your dad gets into an accident, she WILL try to put the blame onto you. She will likely try to tell the cops that YOU told her that it was perfectly fine for your father to drive in spite of the fact that she is the one in the car with him. Why is she not the one driving? Is she too stupid to figure out how? Because honestly, to get into a car with someone who has alzheimers and to let them have the keys, you have to be. I don't mean to be mean about her, but it is just a really stupid thing to do. You gave her the option of the DMV or the other evaluation. This is not just CQ's life or some innocent person's life on the line. Your father's life is on the line here also. He is not able to make this decision. It is clear and obvious that his wife is not going to make it, and your siblings have some other kind of motives going on or they are just not strong enough to take a stand even with their father's life on the line. If someone had a bullet pointed at his head and you could push the gun away, would you do it? This is pretty much the same thing. That accident IS going to happen. You saw his driving. It is common sense, not quantum physics. It is time to contact the DMV and to report him. In my opinion CQ is just daring you to do it. I think she secretly wants you to and cannot admit it. She knows that he won't pass the test. But if she takes him, she is the bad guy. One thing you may not be aware of. People with alzheimers can be like living with adult size toddlers. They have tantrums like 2 or 3 year olds. They can be very violent. In my teens I had adoptive grandparents who lived next door. I could not have loved them more if they were my grandparents. In my 20s, the man, B, got alzheimers. I knew little about it. He never had a violent outburst around me, but his wife managed him carefully around me as I usually had infant Wiz with me. I remember the day I had to go and tell my father that she had 2 black eyes and bruises all over herself. I had stopped by to visit and she didn't have her makeup on yet because she couldn't hold her makeup sponge to put it on. Her hands were too sore and bruised. B went into a nursing home that weekend because he clearly needed more care and it wasn't safe to have him at home. His wife wasn't happy, but we loved her too. Their only son was my dad's age and died some years before, and we were their family for every purpose. We called the relatives and put some pressure on to help the decision get made. It came to light that they had wondered if he had hurt her, but no one had gotten her to admit it until then. It broke my heart, and would have crushed B. In his right mind he would have shot himself if he had ever harmed a hair on his wife's body, much less put a bruise on her. To see her all bruised up like that totally shocked me. I had to talk to a doctor about it to understand. But this is actually not uncommon in alzheimers because the frustration levels get so high and the coping mechanisms are pretty much gone. As time passed I was one of very few who could get B to do anything without a tantrum. I flat out lied to him and told him whatever we were doing was his idea. Usually it was something he either needed to do or would truly enjoy doing, never something just to make my life easier. It helped him not get so upset, and it let him enjoy his life more. Some of the nurses told me it was awful to lie to him, to manipulate him, but he was generally happy around me and happy to see me. Even when he wasn't sure who I was, he was sure we were going to do something fun. That was my goal, and it worked. As he never knew he didn't have a plan to do those things, I don't feel bad. Pigless, I don't know if your Dad is having tantrum at CQ. I will say that she is taking some really scary risks with his life and I find them to be horrible. I also think that things may be pretty bad for her when no one is around, especially as into having everything be 'just so' as she seems to be. Living with someone with alzheimers can be very difficult. She may be afraid on some level to tell him he cannot drive. Even if she cannot admit this to you. [/QUOTE]
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