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That feeling of Dread
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 708567" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This is an old thread. Nature, are you here? I wanted to modify a bit what I wrote here.</p><p></p><p>My son moved home in March of 2016, 5 months before I wrote this.</p><p></p><p>A year before I wrote the above post, I would not call him. I would not let him live with us. When he called, I would say only 4 words: hi, bye, so and no. I set boundaries about what he could talk about with me and I told him clearly what these were. I told him I would curtail the call, if need be, and I followed through.</p><p></p><p>I have told my son I am not a treatment program or a homeless shelter. If he is living with me or in a property I control there is the fundamental expectation that he conform to societal rules and my rules: constructive and productive activity towards a goal; no violence, aggression or disrespect; no marijuana; and no destruction of property.</p><p></p><p>It has taken a year for him to even enter the ballpark of my expectations (let alone implementing them), so that our understanding is more or less the same. It took us a long time to realize that his working for us was NOT HELPING him. He seemed to be going through the paces but that is all it was. </p><p></p><p>He had to both want to and commit himself to work for himself, to identify a goal that was worthwhile to him and to work toward it.</p><p></p><p>This was not something that came easy for him. But I have realized that that does not mean that he does not want it. I have had to change (and then change more) in terms of flexibility, and walking back my reactions when he does not conform to how I see HE SHOULD be doing it. There is a lot of negotiation involved. And renegotiation.</p><p></p><p>You see. I want my son near me and I want to support him. Period.</p><p>He did very poorly away from us. For this to work I have to acknowledge the changes he has made. And I do. And I have to be willing to change. I cannot be rigid because it does not serve my needs (or his) that I support him, and that he be safe.</p><p>.</p><p>Now let me explain what I mean by "society is equipped to teach them and support them."</p><p></p><p>IF my had son continued to make suicidal statements. If my son continued to bust walls and put dents in refrigerators. If my son kept calling the police on us. If my son continued aggressive and hostile. If my son refused to do anything constructive to improve his own life--</p><p>that would mean that he could not live near us or with us.</p><p></p><p>Because to live in a family requires cooperation, contribution and civility.</p><p></p><p>Society deals with or takes care of individuals who either choose or are unable to do these things. I am not saying he would not be my son or family. if he could not meet these requirements. I am saying he would have to live in another situation.</p><p></p><p>I realize this sounds harsh. But my son is capable of making constructive choices. To live with me or near me, I insist that he does. My part of the bargain is to live with his increasingly approximating the desired changes. To accept incremental change and to not expect that it be born whole.</p><p></p><p>This point of view is very different than that of many. It requires a great deal of negotiation and changing on my part.</p><p></p><p>Those of you who are familiar with our story know that I have walked the gangplank and walked back many times.</p><p></p><p>My issue seems to be over-controlling, as you can see here.</p><p></p><p>I do understand that I have no control over my son's decisions. But as long as I see he is willing to keep trying, I am too. I believe that our relationship is the strongest motivator and I believe that my son was served by his distance from me. </p><p></p><p>He learned he could survive and he learned that it was worth it to compromise and to cooperate. He learned the consequences of living on the streets or with people not committed to his welfare or actively hostile to it and the value of being with people who love him, will work for his greater good, and who will take a stand for him. Which is to say, a family. Being in the wilderness, so to speak, motivated him, I think, to change. Learning through real life, what is important.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 708567, member: 18958"] This is an old thread. Nature, are you here? I wanted to modify a bit what I wrote here. My son moved home in March of 2016, 5 months before I wrote this. A year before I wrote the above post, I would not call him. I would not let him live with us. When he called, I would say only 4 words: hi, bye, so and no. I set boundaries about what he could talk about with me and I told him clearly what these were. I told him I would curtail the call, if need be, and I followed through. I have told my son I am not a treatment program or a homeless shelter. If he is living with me or in a property I control there is the fundamental expectation that he conform to societal rules and my rules: constructive and productive activity towards a goal; no violence, aggression or disrespect; no marijuana; and no destruction of property. It has taken a year for him to even enter the ballpark of my expectations (let alone implementing them), so that our understanding is more or less the same. It took us a long time to realize that his working for us was NOT HELPING him. He seemed to be going through the paces but that is all it was. He had to both want to and commit himself to work for himself, to identify a goal that was worthwhile to him and to work toward it. This was not something that came easy for him. But I have realized that that does not mean that he does not want it. I have had to change (and then change more) in terms of flexibility, and walking back my reactions when he does not conform to how I see HE SHOULD be doing it. There is a lot of negotiation involved. And renegotiation. You see. I want my son near me and I want to support him. Period. He did very poorly away from us. For this to work I have to acknowledge the changes he has made. And I do. And I have to be willing to change. I cannot be rigid because it does not serve my needs (or his) that I support him, and that he be safe. . Now let me explain what I mean by "society is equipped to teach them and support them." IF my had son continued to make suicidal statements. If my son continued to bust walls and put dents in refrigerators. If my son kept calling the police on us. If my son continued aggressive and hostile. If my son refused to do anything constructive to improve his own life-- that would mean that he could not live near us or with us. Because to live in a family requires cooperation, contribution and civility. Society deals with or takes care of individuals who either choose or are unable to do these things. I am not saying he would not be my son or family. if he could not meet these requirements. I am saying he would have to live in another situation. I realize this sounds harsh. But my son is capable of making constructive choices. To live with me or near me, I insist that he does. My part of the bargain is to live with his increasingly approximating the desired changes. To accept incremental change and to not expect that it be born whole. This point of view is very different than that of many. It requires a great deal of negotiation and changing on my part. Those of you who are familiar with our story know that I have walked the gangplank and walked back many times. My issue seems to be over-controlling, as you can see here. I do understand that I have no control over my son's decisions. But as long as I see he is willing to keep trying, I am too. I believe that our relationship is the strongest motivator and I believe that my son was served by his distance from me. He learned he could survive and he learned that it was worth it to compromise and to cooperate. He learned the consequences of living on the streets or with people not committed to his welfare or actively hostile to it and the value of being with people who love him, will work for his greater good, and who will take a stand for him. Which is to say, a family. Being in the wilderness, so to speak, motivated him, I think, to change. Learning through real life, what is important. [/QUOTE]
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