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Family of Origin
That "why." Do we ever really know? Why does it matter?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 673287" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Okay. So what I meant here was that interpreting ourselves through the abuser's eyes lent a feeling of certainty. We did not think for ourselves because to do so brought punishment. What we learned was that to give up was to win. To have been dominated (broken) made the parameters of thought and behavior clear. To let go of those teachings leaves us rudderless and uncertain, with no way to hold faith with ourselves. </p><p></p><p>Still, I am not being clear.</p><p></p><p>In our changing of our behaviors today where our kids are concerned, or our mates or our lives, we have no guidelines. No one does. But for us, to rebel was a killing offense. That is why we feel dangerously out of control. We assess our responses through ethical guidelines, not because everyone else is able to do this with clarity and conviction ~ because we all are uncertain in untried situations, and every situation is different, but because we were taught not to think. Not to question. How else could the grandiosity addict abuser have gaslighted our realities so effectively that we still fear crossing them today. </p><p></p><p>Flexibility, openness, curiosity, an assumption of cherishment and awe at the simple wonder of what is ~ all these things are required, to be present in a life.</p><p></p><p>And we were brought up in environments where the smallest deviation from the abuser's proclamations was deadly.</p><p></p><p>Still not being clear.</p><p></p><p>I will get it, though.</p><p></p><p>So, when we feel rudderless and uncertain, we are dealing again from the abusive, power-over parameters of our childhoods ~ from that time, as Copa tells us, before we had words. Without our words to name and define and understand what these feelings are, we forge ahead without the certain understanding of love that those not having survived abusive childhoods make these same decisions from. Our realities...if we fall, if we "fail" (another concept that I think does not exist for those not raised as we were), there is shunning, and not the loving support of family, for us.</p><p></p><p>That is why this feels so scary.</p><p></p><p>For others, to fail is a temporary fluctuation, and our people cherish us through it. For us, there is shunning and the threat of it and service (enslavement) to the abuser's grandiosity addiction.</p><p></p><p>So, it's scarier for us.</p><p></p><p>That is why maybe, having one another as we do here, works.</p><p></p><p>For once in our lives, shunning does not mean no options.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>Probably what the needlepoint in the saddlebag on the Conduct Disorders motorcycle says now is: I Am.</p><p></p><p>Okay. One more observation. When we did fall, when we did fail (which to everyone else is just making a mistake, and mistakes are okay but for us, it was not a mistake, but a fail) ~ when we did "fail" our abusers moved in. Moved right in on whatever vulnerability there was to re-establish that power-over base that enabled their grandiosity fix. They mattered. Not us. Not how badly we felt at our "failure". I am thinking about the posting about how to help your child survive not having been chosen for the team. I am thinking about Serenity's beautiful voice, and her mother's denigration of her ability to perform through not celebrating the wonder of a talented child and what that can mean for a family.</p><p></p><p>That is the difference.</p><p></p><p>We were not celebrated for the right things, and were destroyed routinely, with absolute conviction, for every "failure", which was only a mistake for our peers.</p><p></p><p>We went into the world like that, you guys.</p><p></p><p>We left our weirdly dysfunctional mothers and sibs and stepped into the world with less than nothing, more than naked, mistakes turned into deficits.</p><p></p><p>All these things, we are understanding, now.</p><p></p><p>That is why too, we are fearful about making wrong steps or taking wrong paths or using wrong words.</p><p></p><p>Our abusers, live and well in our psyches, today.</p><p></p><p>Out they go.</p><p></p><p>So...could someone clarify this for me? I am getting too many imageries, and while this is good for me to know, it is making my communication of it here a little...a little muddled.</p><p></p><p>Okay, so this is going to be one of those posts I will be a little wierded out over later, when I know what it is I am trying to say. But when I am through this layer, I will know the difference between mistake and failure.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 673287, member: 17461"] Okay. So what I meant here was that interpreting ourselves through the abuser's eyes lent a feeling of certainty. We did not think for ourselves because to do so brought punishment. What we learned was that to give up was to win. To have been dominated (broken) made the parameters of thought and behavior clear. To let go of those teachings leaves us rudderless and uncertain, with no way to hold faith with ourselves. Still, I am not being clear. In our changing of our behaviors today where our kids are concerned, or our mates or our lives, we have no guidelines. No one does. But for us, to rebel was a killing offense. That is why we feel dangerously out of control. We assess our responses through ethical guidelines, not because everyone else is able to do this with clarity and conviction ~ because we all are uncertain in untried situations, and every situation is different, but because we were taught not to think. Not to question. How else could the grandiosity addict abuser have gaslighted our realities so effectively that we still fear crossing them today. Flexibility, openness, curiosity, an assumption of cherishment and awe at the simple wonder of what is ~ all these things are required, to be present in a life. And we were brought up in environments where the smallest deviation from the abuser's proclamations was deadly. Still not being clear. I will get it, though. So, when we feel rudderless and uncertain, we are dealing again from the abusive, power-over parameters of our childhoods ~ from that time, as Copa tells us, before we had words. Without our words to name and define and understand what these feelings are, we forge ahead without the certain understanding of love that those not having survived abusive childhoods make these same decisions from. Our realities...if we fall, if we "fail" (another concept that I think does not exist for those not raised as we were), there is shunning, and not the loving support of family, for us. That is why this feels so scary. For others, to fail is a temporary fluctuation, and our people cherish us through it. For us, there is shunning and the threat of it and service (enslavement) to the abuser's grandiosity addiction. So, it's scarier for us. That is why maybe, having one another as we do here, works. For once in our lives, shunning does not mean no options. :O) Cedar Probably what the needlepoint in the saddlebag on the Conduct Disorders motorcycle says now is: I Am. Okay. One more observation. When we did fall, when we did fail (which to everyone else is just making a mistake, and mistakes are okay but for us, it was not a mistake, but a fail) ~ when we did "fail" our abusers moved in. Moved right in on whatever vulnerability there was to re-establish that power-over base that enabled their grandiosity fix. They mattered. Not us. Not how badly we felt at our "failure". I am thinking about the posting about how to help your child survive not having been chosen for the team. I am thinking about Serenity's beautiful voice, and her mother's denigration of her ability to perform through not celebrating the wonder of a talented child and what that can mean for a family. That is the difference. We were not celebrated for the right things, and were destroyed routinely, with absolute conviction, for every "failure", which was only a mistake for our peers. We went into the world like that, you guys. We left our weirdly dysfunctional mothers and sibs and stepped into the world with less than nothing, more than naked, mistakes turned into deficits. All these things, we are understanding, now. That is why too, we are fearful about making wrong steps or taking wrong paths or using wrong words. Our abusers, live and well in our psyches, today. Out they go. So...could someone clarify this for me? I am getting too many imageries, and while this is good for me to know, it is making my communication of it here a little...a little muddled. Okay, so this is going to be one of those posts I will be a little wierded out over later, when I know what it is I am trying to say. But when I am through this layer, I will know the difference between mistake and failure. [/QUOTE]
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That "why." Do we ever really know? Why does it matter?
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