Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
The 2nd (maybe 3rd) worst phone call
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="DoneDad" data-source="post: 737984" data-attributes="member: 17244"><p>Yes, this "good news" from a dysfunctional daughter is definitely the nightmare scenario. We are raising our 4 year old grandson and about a year ago we heard the "good news" again (different loser "father"). This time our response was to establish firm boundaries. We told her we were NOT supporting or raising another child of hers, and that our advice was to look into adoption, which she did. The adoption agency pays the expenses for the pregnancy, including a couple of months rent. The couple that adopted the child was a very nice couple, so it was in the child's best interest. </p><p></p><p>The first time around, our boundaries were not clear, she moved in with us during the pregnancy, started leaving the child with us more and more including longer and longer absences and trips to Las Vegas. Eventually, we were raising him and bonded with him, and because we didn't want either her and/ or the "father" (who doesn't support the child or see him at all) to suddenly get a notion to come and get him, we got permanent guardianship. Our home is the only home he has ever known and though it is tough raising a 4 year old in our 60's, we know there is really nothing else we could have done at that point. The second time around, we were in therapy and were clear that we didn't want to/couldn't raise another child, so we didn't put ourselves in the position of having to do that. The best thing would have been if we had done that the first time around, but we didn't. </p><p></p><p>In our situation, we knew she really was pregnant. It seems in your situation, it's questionable. She's used medical conditions/diagnoses before to manipulate people, so there's probably a good chance she's doing it again. Who knows how much of what she's telling you, if any of it, is true?</p><p>I would really read and re-read Recovering Enabler's advice - it was like a life line in our situation. Take your time and think through what YOU want to do, don't be rushed into anything. Think about this - if she does move in with you and has a baby, who do you think is going to be raising that baby? Her and the boyfriend (if he's even real) in the psychiatric ward? She's going to suddenly prioritize the child's needs ahead of her own and make the sacrifices that raising a child entails? You know what will happen - she'll be off on more "adventures" while you raise her child. </p><p></p><p>If she is faking the whole thing and moves back in, has a "miscarriage" and needs to be taken care of for an extended period of time, guess who gets to do that?</p><p></p><p>Either way, it's a lose/lose for you. I would let her know you're not in a position to help her at this point, really limit contact with her (including not reading negative social media stuff she posts about you), and, if you want to, give her a list of adoption agencies to contact. At this point, she's an adult who needs to deal with this situation, not just dump the whole thing on mommy and expect you to fix it for her. </p><p></p><p>Just an aside, with her level of sophistication, I wouldn't be surprised if she's reading these messages. </p><p></p><p>Good luck. Take care of yourself, do things in your own time and do things because that's what YOU want to do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DoneDad, post: 737984, member: 17244"] Yes, this "good news" from a dysfunctional daughter is definitely the nightmare scenario. We are raising our 4 year old grandson and about a year ago we heard the "good news" again (different loser "father"). This time our response was to establish firm boundaries. We told her we were NOT supporting or raising another child of hers, and that our advice was to look into adoption, which she did. The adoption agency pays the expenses for the pregnancy, including a couple of months rent. The couple that adopted the child was a very nice couple, so it was in the child's best interest. The first time around, our boundaries were not clear, she moved in with us during the pregnancy, started leaving the child with us more and more including longer and longer absences and trips to Las Vegas. Eventually, we were raising him and bonded with him, and because we didn't want either her and/ or the "father" (who doesn't support the child or see him at all) to suddenly get a notion to come and get him, we got permanent guardianship. Our home is the only home he has ever known and though it is tough raising a 4 year old in our 60's, we know there is really nothing else we could have done at that point. The second time around, we were in therapy and were clear that we didn't want to/couldn't raise another child, so we didn't put ourselves in the position of having to do that. The best thing would have been if we had done that the first time around, but we didn't. In our situation, we knew she really was pregnant. It seems in your situation, it's questionable. She's used medical conditions/diagnoses before to manipulate people, so there's probably a good chance she's doing it again. Who knows how much of what she's telling you, if any of it, is true? I would really read and re-read Recovering Enabler's advice - it was like a life line in our situation. Take your time and think through what YOU want to do, don't be rushed into anything. Think about this - if she does move in with you and has a baby, who do you think is going to be raising that baby? Her and the boyfriend (if he's even real) in the psychiatric ward? She's going to suddenly prioritize the child's needs ahead of her own and make the sacrifices that raising a child entails? You know what will happen - she'll be off on more "adventures" while you raise her child. If she is faking the whole thing and moves back in, has a "miscarriage" and needs to be taken care of for an extended period of time, guess who gets to do that? Either way, it's a lose/lose for you. I would let her know you're not in a position to help her at this point, really limit contact with her (including not reading negative social media stuff she posts about you), and, if you want to, give her a list of adoption agencies to contact. At this point, she's an adult who needs to deal with this situation, not just dump the whole thing on mommy and expect you to fix it for her. Just an aside, with her level of sophistication, I wouldn't be surprised if she's reading these messages. Good luck. Take care of yourself, do things in your own time and do things because that's what YOU want to do. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
The 2nd (maybe 3rd) worst phone call
Top