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the ball is in his court??
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 722932" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>I am so relieved you survived Copa. There is a reason you are here on this earth. All throughout this site your wisdom and thoughtfulness speak volumes.You spent time working through your family history and dynamics, soul searching. Life happens, a simple truth, but it is so <em>very </em>complex. I think when we are faced with event after event of our d cs going off the rails, it drives us even further to review our own lives, trying to seek answers. It is grief work, really.I think people think of grief as something that happens when we lose our loved ones to death, but we grieve over other losses in life as well.</p><p></p><p>How utterly terrifying to go through this.</p><p>Your son survived. <em>Hold on to that.</em></p><p></p><p>In looking back at my life, there are many instances I think to myself how <em>I must have been crazy.</em> I would not have reacted the same way, made the choices and mistakes I did 20 years ago. That's it, <em>20 years ago, a younger version of ourselves. </em>We make decisions and choices based on our past and present, hopefully looking towards our future. Our circumstances drive us. Whatever the case may be, why should this older, more experienced version of ourselves, look backwards in retrospect and <em>condemn our younger selves?</em></p><p>God knows my two condemn me enough, lay all the blame for their choices on my "poor mothering".</p><p>When hubs died, I went through a terrible time of feeling remorseful and guilty for my actions, or inactions.<em> It paralyzed me.</em> I was grieving not only his passing, but what we could have had and didn't, his anger and reclusiveness. He checked out before he passed, <em>and so did I.</em> I was unable to reach him, already grieving over our two, my grands, I was not the person I would have been, if I knew then, what I know now.</p><p>That he would die so soon.</p><p>There is a lump in my throat as I write that down.</p><p>It was not an easy relationship.</p><p>But, I did love him.</p><p>I condemned myself for not loving him well enough.</p><p>It took miles and miles of walking, self reflection and prayer, to start to heal and forgive myself for my reaction. I started to go through the tapes, replaying history and what reverberated through my head was "Leafy, you are human. Imperfect. If God forgives me my mistakes and imperfections, who am I to override that with self flailing, holding on to self resentment over past mistakes and reactions to circumstances out of my control?"</p><p>We have no way of knowing and predicting the future, as we eek out our lives in the present. We can only do our best with what we have.</p><p>I am sure, Copa, that younger, adventurous person years ago, trekking through Central America with your son, did not intentionally put either of you in danger. You were creating memories, living outside of the box, finding your way.</p><p>Geez, there are so many, many things I would change in my past if I could, <em>but it isn't possible</em>.</p><p>I found this in one of your older threads, it spoke to me and helped me..........</p><p>YES!</p><p> Our own scorn.......we really, really, really can be our own worst enemy in this.</p><p> I don't know Copa, only you know yourself. I see so many good qualities through out your posts. You are too hard on yourself. We do what we can with what we have at the time. I sometimes feel the same way, that I protected myself from truly feeling. I protect myself now, from the hurt of my two, but it is a self preservation. If I allowed myself to sink in to the chasm of despair that I am capable of, <em>I would die. </em></p><p>I would die in the sense that existing in an abyss of misery is not living.</p><p>This is a quote from the same thread, Copa and it is brilliant.</p><p></p><p>'The energy we need to become the person God wants us to be."</p><p>Aren't we all, even our d cs, finding our way? We slip, trip and fall, brush ourselves off, and get back up again. Over and over. Life is a continuing series of circumstances, sometimes unfortunate ones. Each time we come through, we have learned something, or not. We may try the same solution, until we understand that it doesn't work, then we try to find another.</p><p>It may take a while for us to come through.</p><p>Don't judge yourself by your past, you don't live there anymore.</p><p>You are here, and feeling now.</p><p>I think that as we get older and know a little bit more (hopefully)</p><p>looking at the other side of the hill and knowing we don't have that much time anymore, <em>we know life is short</em>, we have tendencies to look back and have so many regrets. On the flip side of this, is the life we were blessed with, how we managed to cope and live as we did.</p><p>Try to look at the many, many positives in your life.</p><p>We learn from our mistakes.</p><p>Move forward to try to live the <em>best rest of our lives.</em></p><p>We are still going to have missteps and mistakes along the way.</p><p>We are only human after all.</p><p></p><p>I hope that it is not too stressful having your son around.</p><p> </p><p>How I know that feeling, the joy of seeing my two, the breath holding for the other shoe to drop.........</p><p></p><p>Try to breathe and let the moments come as they do.</p><p></p><p>May Akua be with you.</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 722932, member: 19522"] I am so relieved you survived Copa. There is a reason you are here on this earth. All throughout this site your wisdom and thoughtfulness speak volumes.You spent time working through your family history and dynamics, soul searching. Life happens, a simple truth, but it is so [I]very [/I]complex. I think when we are faced with event after event of our d cs going off the rails, it drives us even further to review our own lives, trying to seek answers. It is grief work, really.I think people think of grief as something that happens when we lose our loved ones to death, but we grieve over other losses in life as well. How utterly terrifying to go through this. Your son survived. [I]Hold on to that.[/I] In looking back at my life, there are many instances I think to myself how [I]I must have been crazy.[/I] I would not have reacted the same way, made the choices and mistakes I did 20 years ago. That's it, [I]20 years ago, a younger version of ourselves. [/I]We make decisions and choices based on our past and present, hopefully looking towards our future. Our circumstances drive us. Whatever the case may be, why should this older, more experienced version of ourselves, look backwards in retrospect and [I]condemn our younger selves?[/I] God knows my two condemn me enough, lay all the blame for their choices on my "poor mothering". When hubs died, I went through a terrible time of feeling remorseful and guilty for my actions, or inactions.[I] It paralyzed me.[/I] I was grieving not only his passing, but what we could have had and didn't, his anger and reclusiveness. He checked out before he passed, [I]and so did I.[/I] I was unable to reach him, already grieving over our two, my grands, I was not the person I would have been, if I knew then, what I know now. That he would die so soon. There is a lump in my throat as I write that down. It was not an easy relationship. But, I did love him. I condemned myself for not loving him well enough. It took miles and miles of walking, self reflection and prayer, to start to heal and forgive myself for my reaction. I started to go through the tapes, replaying history and what reverberated through my head was "Leafy, you are human. Imperfect. If God forgives me my mistakes and imperfections, who am I to override that with self flailing, holding on to self resentment over past mistakes and reactions to circumstances out of my control?" We have no way of knowing and predicting the future, as we eek out our lives in the present. We can only do our best with what we have. I am sure, Copa, that younger, adventurous person years ago, trekking through Central America with your son, did not intentionally put either of you in danger. You were creating memories, living outside of the box, finding your way. Geez, there are so many, many things I would change in my past if I could, [I]but it isn't possible[/I]. I found this in one of your older threads, it spoke to me and helped me.......... YES! Our own scorn.......we really, really, really can be our own worst enemy in this. I don't know Copa, only you know yourself. I see so many good qualities through out your posts. You are too hard on yourself. We do what we can with what we have at the time. I sometimes feel the same way, that I protected myself from truly feeling. I protect myself now, from the hurt of my two, but it is a self preservation. If I allowed myself to sink in to the chasm of despair that I am capable of, [I]I would die. [/I] I would die in the sense that existing in an abyss of misery is not living. This is a quote from the same thread, Copa and it is brilliant. 'The energy we need to become the person God wants us to be." Aren't we all, even our d cs, finding our way? We slip, trip and fall, brush ourselves off, and get back up again. Over and over. Life is a continuing series of circumstances, sometimes unfortunate ones. Each time we come through, we have learned something, or not. We may try the same solution, until we understand that it doesn't work, then we try to find another. It may take a while for us to come through. Don't judge yourself by your past, you don't live there anymore. You are here, and feeling now. I think that as we get older and know a little bit more (hopefully) looking at the other side of the hill and knowing we don't have that much time anymore, [I]we know life is short[/I], we have tendencies to look back and have so many regrets. On the flip side of this, is the life we were blessed with, how we managed to cope and live as we did. Try to look at the many, many positives in your life. We learn from our mistakes. Move forward to try to live the [I]best rest of our lives.[/I] We are still going to have missteps and mistakes along the way. We are only human after all. I hope that it is not too stressful having your son around. How I know that feeling, the joy of seeing my two, the breath holding for the other shoe to drop......... Try to breathe and let the moments come as they do. May Akua be with you. (((HUGS))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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