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the ball is in his court??
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 722953" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>thank you new leaf! where did you find those older quotes? </p><p></p><p>i cannot remember writing any of it!</p><p></p><p>it sounds so detached. new leaf. what thread is this? i need to read it.</p><p></p><p>there is a paradox in my current thinking/feeling. you see. during the years i did not feel as deeply i functioned. to do so i had to deny and suppress feelings and truths about my life. i kind of liked this.</p><p></p><p> i felt better, happier. more effective. admired. heck. i admired myself. but i was a fake.</p><p></p><p>if i could have it back-- this more surfacey life, i fear, i would want it back. because it hurt so much less. because i functioned. i would not let in to my consciousness that which would hobble me. </p><p></p><p>and then the hobbled me could no longer be denied. five years of this since my mother became ill. i have been defined...i defined myself as hobbled.</p><p></p><p>my growing faith and way of understanding based on it is the way that i am understanding this all. but i am just a learner and go back in forth in how i feel and know. i still judge myself with old eyes. a younger way of knowing.</p><p></p><p>when you write of your husband and the compromises you made with yourself to be with him and his pain...it reminds me for some reason of my mother and i. </p><p></p><p>i never was aware of loving my mother as much as i did as she was dying and after. of course i must have loved her before, the same as after. but i was numb to that too. largely.</p><p></p><p>because i had to be. she was dangerous for me to love without defenses. </p><p></p><p>what's that beatles song? (something) hide your love away.</p><p></p><p>i think sometimes i am still protecting her.</p><p></p><p>i am so much more in touch with my pain now. (than even then. referring to those old posts) it is hard to imagine writing anything of the sort now. i feel more humble. at least in the face of my own pain and humanity. than even 6 mos ago. a year ago. even.</p><p></p><p>condemning myself and my younger selves. even one year younger. yes.that is what i am doing.</p><p></p><p>thank you new leaf.</p><p></p><p>i have had a wonderful life. it is hard to write that without comparing myself to others with better ??? lives or more...or to the person i could have been if i was not so fully human??? or had not heen so broken as a child. a reality i tried hard to escape. an escaping that i both judge myself for harshly.. .yet long for.</p><p></p><p> i am by necessity now living from this brokeness. </p><p></p><p>as you and others are doing i am trying to find strength and wholeness therein.</p><p></p><p>thank you new leaf.</p><p></p><p>ps this is sounding like a foo thread. sorry people.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 722953, member: 18958"] thank you new leaf! where did you find those older quotes? i cannot remember writing any of it! it sounds so detached. new leaf. what thread is this? i need to read it. there is a paradox in my current thinking/feeling. you see. during the years i did not feel as deeply i functioned. to do so i had to deny and suppress feelings and truths about my life. i kind of liked this. i felt better, happier. more effective. admired. heck. i admired myself. but i was a fake. if i could have it back-- this more surfacey life, i fear, i would want it back. because it hurt so much less. because i functioned. i would not let in to my consciousness that which would hobble me. and then the hobbled me could no longer be denied. five years of this since my mother became ill. i have been defined...i defined myself as hobbled. my growing faith and way of understanding based on it is the way that i am understanding this all. but i am just a learner and go back in forth in how i feel and know. i still judge myself with old eyes. a younger way of knowing. when you write of your husband and the compromises you made with yourself to be with him and his pain...it reminds me for some reason of my mother and i. i never was aware of loving my mother as much as i did as she was dying and after. of course i must have loved her before, the same as after. but i was numb to that too. largely. because i had to be. she was dangerous for me to love without defenses. what's that beatles song? (something) hide your love away. i think sometimes i am still protecting her. i am so much more in touch with my pain now. (than even then. referring to those old posts) it is hard to imagine writing anything of the sort now. i feel more humble. at least in the face of my own pain and humanity. than even 6 mos ago. a year ago. even. condemning myself and my younger selves. even one year younger. yes.that is what i am doing. thank you new leaf. i have had a wonderful life. it is hard to write that without comparing myself to others with better ??? lives or more...or to the person i could have been if i was not so fully human??? or had not heen so broken as a child. a reality i tried hard to escape. an escaping that i both judge myself for harshly.. .yet long for. i am by necessity now living from this brokeness. as you and others are doing i am trying to find strength and wholeness therein. thank you new leaf. ps this is sounding like a foo thread. sorry people. [/QUOTE]
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