maybe two years ago on this site i expressed my suspicion of hope. the trap for me it was. for the reasons k so artculately expresses.
i so do want to learn to practice gratititude and acknowledgements for blessings.
and this hoping is still terrifying for me. i am hugely anxious and vulnerable right now.
and i think it is because i am locating hope not just in what my son does or not...but in a misunderstanding of my own role, my potential for control, in generating safety over life's contingencies.
here is a summary statement to what follows, that i thought of after, to spare you the convolutions.
that is: i can locate my hope in me. it can be an attitude. a practice. a prayer. a faith. a commitment.
i am only in sam's phrasing, seeing a glimmer of this possibility. i guess i could say it is the practice of peace. and that i think my son has been trying to tell me. (let's leave aside here how provocative his choices can be. but here i am quoting you guys again. for him it may just be thursday.) the intentionality may not be there. to hurt me.
i heard on the radio today that battering men (maybe most men) locate the cause of their aggression in their partners...or their victims...whether individual women or other nations or peoples. oh. i hit her because she knew i don't like fish. oh. i cut off all shipments of food and supplies because they knew....x, y, and z.
maybe i do the same thing. which is an abuse of power. which my son has been trying to tell me.
oh. back to the point.
i have no real control of anthing except to how i define my life. but that can be a lot.
hope can be defined as a commitment to the future. to that which is not yet and may never be. hope can be intention. intention that can never be fully realized in a single life.
hope can spring from the memory of a community and family and a vision of a future that could be manifested, without any certainty At all. all there ever is, i think, is could be. which is what you are saying, k. there is a famous theologian or philosopher ( bloch, i think) that calls this something like "the not yet." he says this is the most powerful realm of all.
i read that hope may be a belief in human freedom, the possibility that we may be what we choose to be. no other creature has this.
all of this is the subjunctive tense which barely exists in english. could be. could have been. should have. might be. would have been and still could be.
the basis of which is choice. and commitment. intention. getting out of the personal.
beyond escapism.denial. the need for control. for certainty or knowing.
and to the courage to imagine the world. my world as it could be. having purpose. the courage to intend, create good--without the grounds or evidence that it will or even could happen. but should. might.
i want my own life to be part of bringing this forth. with my son. especially with him.
hope can entail waiting. the acceptance that life and its unfolding is by definition uncertain and contingent. we know not how long we live and how we suffer as we fulfill our destiny. and that is life. there is no other.
typing this makes me hyperventilate. (even afer half a xanex.)
hope can mean standing firm. in the face of uncertain life.
hope in its archaic sense can mean faitfulness, they say (dictionary) in the sense of a mother's labor. the struggle and waiting through labor--the faithfulness that a baby, a life will emerge.
to me i see direct application to my life with my son right now.
none of this he carries or controls. i do. not over event or circumstances. but hope. the commitment to it.
my struggle and faithfulness to work for a value, an intention, without control. (quaking with fear here.)
standing firm in the face of uncertainty.
the courage to trust. not so much in myself or anybody else. but that there is, can be a place of refuge and security. outside of time and space.
the commitment to my child's humanity. and that of other mother's children. And my dedication to do what i can irregardless of any visible and tangible result. the dedication to see this through. just because.
portugal has the music called fado. discovering it helped me to understand and accept a little bit. when i have internet again i will send you some.
