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the ball is in his court??
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 724329" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>This is all so very hard, Copa. Though I see such a difference here, in both of you.</p><p> I don’t recall you writing of this before. Or is it me projecting this for my Rain? She seems complacent about her life in the park. Accepts it. It seemed that was the way for J, that he would choose homelessness and pot smoking over following rules. Is this different, or am I mistaken? Perhaps this time, it will be a motivating factor in steps towards recognizing his part in the consequence? Even though for now, he can’t seem to grasp the concept that it is of his own doing?</p><p><em>He would rather die than be homeless again.</em></p><p>Forgive me for the comparison if I am wrong.</p><p>I see a little shift in the way J is speaking.</p><p></p><p>Rain speaks of her homelessness as if it were just another Tuesday. Casually mentioning that in the rain, the tent is too wet, so they all huddle under the pavilion, not too close to the wall because that’s where all of the rats run.</p><p>Ugh.</p><p></p><p> Does the lying come easy with the drug use and addiction? I believe so. I was reading about what meth does to the brain and I am sure the same is for most drug use.</p><p>Replaces all feeling of pleasure except for the drug. A form of self abandonment. Drugs become the main focus in life.</p><p>One big chemical lie.</p><p>I hope that as you walk through this with your son, you don’t abandon yourself.</p><p>No matter what.</p><p>No good can come of that.</p><p>For you or your son.</p><p> I think it is a defense mechanism. I remember Darkwing writing about cycling, using drugs (and loved ones), waking up sober with all of the memories of the horrible things done flooding in. The only way to block out the guilt? More drug use.</p><p>Stuck, they are stuck.</p><p>I have had to block my feelings. Survival. I have to guard my heart. If I felt with all of my heart for my twos situation I don’t think I would be able to <em>function</em>.</p><p>I have to remind myself that I have no control over their choices.</p><p>Zero.</p><p>I think the sychronistic emotions and becoming stuck myself was a part of the grief of it all.</p><p> </p><p>How could I feel peace and joy when my two are out there struggling?</p><p>It becomes a sort of sacrifice.</p><p>A bargaining.</p><p>A heavy price that bares no weight in the long run.</p><p>It is constant work. </p><p>A struggle to not abandon self. </p><p>As much work as an addict must have to go through to recover.</p><p>Daily for me.</p><p>I got a call from a doctors office the other day. Tornado. She had been to the E.R. and gave my number as contact. Her number didn’t work so they called me, looking for her. Of course, they cannot tell me what happened, they were calling for a follow up appointment.</p><p>Gulp.</p><p>Yah, so the mind starts to run with that.</p><p> I haven’t heard from her for a month or so.</p><p>It is gut churning. </p><p>But the thing is, if I let this <em>get to me,</em> it would eat me up from the insides.</p><p>I go straight to prayer.</p><p>Please God, watch over her.</p><p>I am not pushing religion, just saying what works for me.</p><p>It keeps me from going back to the swirly whirly.</p><p>There, I am lost.</p><p>Self abandonment.</p><p>So in a turmoil, can’t think straight, going through the motion, can’t concentrate, just frazzled.</p><p>I can’t, no I won’t go back to that.</p><p>It is too hard. A sort of death by despair.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Beautiful and tragic imagery, Copa. You write so well.</p><p>I still hope for my two, but I don’t base my happiness on what they do.</p><p>I can’t.</p><p>If I did, I might have to put my life on a holding pattern for a very long time.</p><p>I don’t want to add that to my list of regrets.</p><p>Life is too short.</p><p>Shifting focus is not easy, but you are doing well, Copa, you are seeing where your raw points are and working at building yourself up.</p><p>Me too.</p><p>Each of us here, have a tough, tough job.</p><p></p><p></p><p>LBL that is exactly what is. I am encouraged by your sons journey and hope that he forges ahead. Prayers for a bed to open up.</p><p> I hope you are able to find some time for <em>you</em>.</p><p> I think you nailed it Sam. That’s why I stopped mentioning rehab. For my two, that just opened up a whole can of ugly. </p><p>When they are ready. </p><p>Some day soon, I pray.</p><p></p><p>I guess that’s why for me, the fact that there is an <em>uttering</em> from Copas son that <em>he has a dependency </em>is a glimmer of hope.</p><p>Even if he is saying what she wants to hear. Even if he doesn’t really believe it. He said it. Words have power. That has to echo in his head now.</p><p>Good.</p><p> I hope he does something about it.</p><p>My two are deep in denial.</p><p>Still.</p><p> The effect on the brain. They can break free if they truly want to, but the longer the use, the harder it is.</p><p></p><p> Ugh. No boundaries. Shut off the Jiminy Cricket voice. This is why I have limited contact. Sometimes it is put upon by my two.</p><p>Sometimes it is my choice.</p><p>I do so appreciate all of your sharing your stories.</p><p>I hope all of our kids find their way through this dark tunnel.</p><p>Copa, I hope your son continues to work at this.</p><p>Keep doing for you.</p><p> You matter.</p><p>I am thinking how difficult this all is.</p><p>How would I react if my two came to me and spoke of dependency and rehab?</p><p>Another twist on the trail, a whole new reason to fortify oneself for whatever may be.</p><p>Well.</p><p>One day at a time.</p><p>One breath at a time.</p><p>It is what we hope for our beloveds, that they invest in themselves, find their potential.</p><p>Keep seeking your meaning. Your purpose.</p><p>Through that, you are a beacon of light for your son.</p><p>I believe this to be so.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 724329, member: 19522"] This is all so very hard, Copa. Though I see such a difference here, in both of you. I don’t recall you writing of this before. Or is it me projecting this for my Rain? She seems complacent about her life in the park. Accepts it. It seemed that was the way for J, that he would choose homelessness and pot smoking over following rules. Is this different, or am I mistaken? Perhaps this time, it will be a motivating factor in steps towards recognizing his part in the consequence? Even though for now, he can’t seem to grasp the concept that it is of his own doing? [I]He would rather die than be homeless again.[/I] Forgive me for the comparison if I am wrong. I see a little shift in the way J is speaking. Rain speaks of her homelessness as if it were just another Tuesday. Casually mentioning that in the rain, the tent is too wet, so they all huddle under the pavilion, not too close to the wall because that’s where all of the rats run. Ugh. Does the lying come easy with the drug use and addiction? I believe so. I was reading about what meth does to the brain and I am sure the same is for most drug use. Replaces all feeling of pleasure except for the drug. A form of self abandonment. Drugs become the main focus in life. One big chemical lie. I hope that as you walk through this with your son, you don’t abandon yourself. No matter what. No good can come of that. For you or your son. I think it is a defense mechanism. I remember Darkwing writing about cycling, using drugs (and loved ones), waking up sober with all of the memories of the horrible things done flooding in. The only way to block out the guilt? More drug use. Stuck, they are stuck. I have had to block my feelings. Survival. I have to guard my heart. If I felt with all of my heart for my twos situation I don’t think I would be able to [I]function[/I]. I have to remind myself that I have no control over their choices. Zero. I think the sychronistic emotions and becoming stuck myself was a part of the grief of it all. How could I feel peace and joy when my two are out there struggling? It becomes a sort of sacrifice. A bargaining. A heavy price that bares no weight in the long run. It is constant work. A struggle to not abandon self. As much work as an addict must have to go through to recover. Daily for me. I got a call from a doctors office the other day. Tornado. She had been to the E.R. and gave my number as contact. Her number didn’t work so they called me, looking for her. Of course, they cannot tell me what happened, they were calling for a follow up appointment. Gulp. Yah, so the mind starts to run with that. I haven’t heard from her for a month or so. It is gut churning. But the thing is, if I let this [I]get to me,[/I] it would eat me up from the insides. I go straight to prayer. Please God, watch over her. I am not pushing religion, just saying what works for me. It keeps me from going back to the swirly whirly. There, I am lost. Self abandonment. So in a turmoil, can’t think straight, going through the motion, can’t concentrate, just frazzled. I can’t, no I won’t go back to that. It is too hard. A sort of death by despair. Beautiful and tragic imagery, Copa. You write so well. I still hope for my two, but I don’t base my happiness on what they do. I can’t. If I did, I might have to put my life on a holding pattern for a very long time. I don’t want to add that to my list of regrets. Life is too short. Shifting focus is not easy, but you are doing well, Copa, you are seeing where your raw points are and working at building yourself up. Me too. Each of us here, have a tough, tough job. LBL that is exactly what is. I am encouraged by your sons journey and hope that he forges ahead. Prayers for a bed to open up. I hope you are able to find some time for [I]you[/I]. I think you nailed it Sam. That’s why I stopped mentioning rehab. For my two, that just opened up a whole can of ugly. When they are ready. Some day soon, I pray. I guess that’s why for me, the fact that there is an [I]uttering[/I] from Copas son that [I]he has a dependency [/I]is a glimmer of hope. Even if he is saying what she wants to hear. Even if he doesn’t really believe it. He said it. Words have power. That has to echo in his head now. Good. I hope he does something about it. My two are deep in denial. Still. The effect on the brain. They can break free if they truly want to, but the longer the use, the harder it is. Ugh. No boundaries. Shut off the Jiminy Cricket voice. This is why I have limited contact. Sometimes it is put upon by my two. Sometimes it is my choice. I do so appreciate all of your sharing your stories. I hope all of our kids find their way through this dark tunnel. Copa, I hope your son continues to work at this. Keep doing for you. You matter. I am thinking how difficult this all is. How would I react if my two came to me and spoke of dependency and rehab? Another twist on the trail, a whole new reason to fortify oneself for whatever may be. Well. One day at a time. One breath at a time. It is what we hope for our beloveds, that they invest in themselves, find their potential. Keep seeking your meaning. Your purpose. Through that, you are a beacon of light for your son. I believe this to be so. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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