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the ball is in his court??
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 724395" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>It’s okay Copa, it comes and goes. I am able to let those feelings flow through me and process them a little better each time. We do have a tough job.</p><p>My siblings children are all successful. That must be a wonderful feeling.</p><p>My two. Struggling. Not what I had pictured for them, for sure. Not what any of us pictured for our kids. But here we are.</p><p> That’s how I felt when hubs passed, and for some time after. A rawness. I couldn’t function well at all. I had to find a way to heal.</p><p>We are all grieving our kids choices.</p><p>It is a rebuilding. Just like losing hubs, I have to redefine myself, my life. The difference being, that my "other half" is gone.</p><p>I have the memories, but, he is gone.</p><p>Our d cs are still here, so it is hard to let go.</p><p>It's not forced upon us. No finality to it.</p><p>As they choose their own lives, it is our choice to how much we hold on to and make their choices a factor in how we live.</p><p></p><p></p><p><em>So called normal</em>, what is normal, anyway? Me too, I am not normal. Was not popular in school. I’m quirky and disorganized. My house right now is a mess. Too much stuff going on with work, chauffeuring son, coaching, and several projects in various stages happening.</p><p>I read an article that intelligent people are messy.</p><p><img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite11" alt=":rolleyes:" title="Roll Eyes :rolleyes:" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":rolleyes:" /> (what a great excuse).</p><p>Most of the people I relate to at work are “not normal”. Quirky characters who are not trying to be anyone else but themselves.</p><p> I think we all see a bit of ourselves in our kids.</p><p></p><p>But, we are not them and they are not us.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Well, the first part to fixing anything is recognition of the problem. So, you are halfway there. The next step is finding ways to act and react differently. We are creatures of habit. Rinse, repeat. It takes time and work to take old ways of viewing ourselves and situations, and changing.</p><p>Change does not come easy.</p><p>Letting go.</p><p>It’s hard.</p><p>Not being caught up in an outcome.</p><p>Son is a procrastinator, so am I.</p><p>I want him to be successful in school. He has difficulty keeping up with projects. I don’t push him anymore. It is a battle that is not mine. He has to learn his own way to push himself.</p><p>He gets upset with me if I hover over him.</p><p>Good.</p><p>In this day and age, I can go online and look at his grades, see if he is turning in work.</p><p>I don’t.</p><p>GASP!</p><p>Some may see that as bad parenting, but the way I see it, is that he is of an age where he has got to learn his own sense of responsibility.</p><p> If he fails a class, he reaps the consequences.</p><p></p><p>Letting go.</p><p>There is this weird, uncomfortable void with letting go.</p><p> We equate love with hanging on.</p><p></p><p> I agree. Totally. Though it is difficult to see, or comprehend.</p><p>But, don't you want the counselor to see him the way he sees himself?</p><p> That's my spin on it.</p><p>Is he expressing his individuality, depressed, doesn’t care about his appearance, is he trying to push your buttons?</p><p>Get a reaction?</p><p></p><p>Or is there just no reason or rhyme to it?</p><p></p><p>My Rain, homeless. You would not know it.</p><p>Somehow, she is <em>presentable</em>.</p><p>How does that happen?</p><p></p><p>No reason or rhyme.</p><p></p><p>She and her boyfriend collect cans, recycle, dumpster dive at the university. She says when the kids move out of the dorms they throw all kinds of good stuff away.</p><p>They get roused from the park by police, everything thrown away.</p><p>When she shares this, it is like you or I, complaining about a hard day at work.</p><p></p><p>What in the world am I supposed to do with that information?</p><p></p><p>I think to myself, "Geez, that seems like a lot of work to survive like this. Why couldn't they just.......work? Get a decent place to live?"</p><p></p><p> I wouldn't even put the skates on, Copa.</p><p>You don't give yourself enough credit.</p><p></p><p> You are courageous. That takes faith. Knowing you have a ways to go is understanding. That is faith.</p><p>You are like the lion in the Wizard of Oz. Thinking you are cowardly, when it is within you all along.</p><p>We are all lacking in some ways, all of us.</p><p>I know that one of my major motivators for change, letting go of my two, is the responsibility I have for my son. What will I do when he comes of age, and that reason is no longer there?</p><p>I don't know.</p><p>I hope I will have built my toolbox up enough to withstand whatever comes along.</p><p> I recognize that he is a sort of crutch for me. That I lean upon that responsibility to move me to protect the sanctity and peace of my home.</p><p>I don't know if I would have done it for myself.</p><p>There is a lacking there, that I have to fix.</p><p></p><p> Me too, Copa. I am grateful for the time spent sharing, and processing all of this. </p><p>I could not do this on my own.</p><p>I wonder, if I were in your shoes, how it would be. </p><p>More difficult I think. I have my kids who are doing well.</p><p>There is much to that to help me shift focus.</p><p>You do not give yourself enough credit.</p><p> UGH. A job. Why not a hobby? Something you can enjoy? Here, we have recreation centers at the parks, and they have all sorts of programs. I am so looking forward to retirement, to be able to do things that I want to do. I am grateful for my job, <em>but it is a job</em>.</p><p>You are on the right track.</p><p>Shift your focus.</p><p>To you.</p><p>My friend said to me "What are you going to do, if you retire?"</p><p>Her job is also her social life.</p><p>I am like, "What wouldn't I do?"</p><p>Garden.</p><p>Join classes. Paint, draw, sculpt.</p><p>Walk.</p><p>That's it Copa, find something that fills you.</p><p></p><p>In writing that, I am seeing that the empty void I have felt over my two, is in my own self.</p><p>Yikes.</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 724395, member: 19522"] It’s okay Copa, it comes and goes. I am able to let those feelings flow through me and process them a little better each time. We do have a tough job. My siblings children are all successful. That must be a wonderful feeling. My two. Struggling. Not what I had pictured for them, for sure. Not what any of us pictured for our kids. But here we are. That’s how I felt when hubs passed, and for some time after. A rawness. I couldn’t function well at all. I had to find a way to heal. We are all grieving our kids choices. It is a rebuilding. Just like losing hubs, I have to redefine myself, my life. The difference being, that my "other half" is gone. I have the memories, but, he is gone. Our d cs are still here, so it is hard to let go. It's not forced upon us. No finality to it. As they choose their own lives, it is our choice to how much we hold on to and make their choices a factor in how we live. [I]So called normal[/I], what is normal, anyway? Me too, I am not normal. Was not popular in school. I’m quirky and disorganized. My house right now is a mess. Too much stuff going on with work, chauffeuring son, coaching, and several projects in various stages happening. I read an article that intelligent people are messy. :rolleyes: (what a great excuse). Most of the people I relate to at work are “not normal”. Quirky characters who are not trying to be anyone else but themselves. I think we all see a bit of ourselves in our kids. But, we are not them and they are not us. Well, the first part to fixing anything is recognition of the problem. So, you are halfway there. The next step is finding ways to act and react differently. We are creatures of habit. Rinse, repeat. It takes time and work to take old ways of viewing ourselves and situations, and changing. Change does not come easy. Letting go. It’s hard. Not being caught up in an outcome. Son is a procrastinator, so am I. I want him to be successful in school. He has difficulty keeping up with projects. I don’t push him anymore. It is a battle that is not mine. He has to learn his own way to push himself. He gets upset with me if I hover over him. Good. In this day and age, I can go online and look at his grades, see if he is turning in work. I don’t. GASP! Some may see that as bad parenting, but the way I see it, is that he is of an age where he has got to learn his own sense of responsibility. If he fails a class, he reaps the consequences. Letting go. There is this weird, uncomfortable void with letting go. We equate love with hanging on. I agree. Totally. Though it is difficult to see, or comprehend. But, don't you want the counselor to see him the way he sees himself? That's my spin on it. Is he expressing his individuality, depressed, doesn’t care about his appearance, is he trying to push your buttons? Get a reaction? Or is there just no reason or rhyme to it? My Rain, homeless. You would not know it. Somehow, she is [I]presentable[/I]. How does that happen? No reason or rhyme. She and her boyfriend collect cans, recycle, dumpster dive at the university. She says when the kids move out of the dorms they throw all kinds of good stuff away. They get roused from the park by police, everything thrown away. When she shares this, it is like you or I, complaining about a hard day at work. What in the world am I supposed to do with that information? I think to myself, "Geez, that seems like a lot of work to survive like this. Why couldn't they just.......work? Get a decent place to live?" I wouldn't even put the skates on, Copa. You don't give yourself enough credit. You are courageous. That takes faith. Knowing you have a ways to go is understanding. That is faith. You are like the lion in the Wizard of Oz. Thinking you are cowardly, when it is within you all along. We are all lacking in some ways, all of us. I know that one of my major motivators for change, letting go of my two, is the responsibility I have for my son. What will I do when he comes of age, and that reason is no longer there? I don't know. I hope I will have built my toolbox up enough to withstand whatever comes along. I recognize that he is a sort of crutch for me. That I lean upon that responsibility to move me to protect the sanctity and peace of my home. I don't know if I would have done it for myself. There is a lacking there, that I have to fix. Me too, Copa. I am grateful for the time spent sharing, and processing all of this. I could not do this on my own. I wonder, if I were in your shoes, how it would be. More difficult I think. I have my kids who are doing well. There is much to that to help me shift focus. You do not give yourself enough credit. UGH. A job. Why not a hobby? Something you can enjoy? Here, we have recreation centers at the parks, and they have all sorts of programs. I am so looking forward to retirement, to be able to do things that I want to do. I am grateful for my job, [I]but it is a job[/I]. You are on the right track. Shift your focus. To you. My friend said to me "What are you going to do, if you retire?" Her job is also her social life. I am like, "What wouldn't I do?" Garden. Join classes. Paint, draw, sculpt. Walk. That's it Copa, find something that fills you. In writing that, I am seeing that the empty void I have felt over my two, is in my own self. Yikes. (((HUGS))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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