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the ball is in his court??
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<blockquote data-quote="Kalahou" data-source="post: 724408" data-attributes="member: 19617"><p>I agree with Albie.</p><p>Copa, you have too much involvement, too much at stake - <u>for yourself</u> - in this. You appear to only <u>want to accept what YOU want</u> - you don't want to accept who your son is. He no doubt feels this and knows he will never please your expectations and never measure up to your standards, because that is not who he is.</p><p></p><p>Copa, who your son is, and the person he will be --- is <u>not about you</u> and not about what you want for yourself. <u>Do not look for your own worth and your own value in your son</u>. It looks like you unjustly put too much responsibility on J to make him responsible for the value / the worth you want to find in your own life. He feels the guilt of this failure (<em>your </em>feeling of failure?) in himself, ~ a failure that he will never be who you want him to be and a failure that he won't make you happy.</p><p></p><p>We all are coming to realize that <u>it is not our Difficult Child's purpose in life to make us happy.</u> Our job as parents was to raise them up to adults, which we have done. Now their lives (at J's age) are theirs to live and learn and accomplish their own purpose, as they can and will, according to who they are themselves. We still love, but we must detach and "let it be / let them go".</p><p></p><p>A comment regarding your dismay with appearances:</p><p></p><p>My son (a decade older than yours) right now is mostly / barely holding his own, away from me. I see this as some progress - at least it is not worse. But he <u>still wears the "uniform</u>" Leafy described - he wears a hoody a lot, wears a baseball cap, wears wrinkled shirts and smelly shoes, unbrushed teeth when I see him. He rides a bike - has no license. (<em>none of this is how I wish to present myself.</em>) But son is sober, is staying out of jail, and on occasion he actually smiles! (rarely see that). If that smile means he may be enjoying his life, if even for a moment in time ~ What a victory ~ if even for a moment! Mahalo!</p><p></p><p>Copa, I don't mean to sound harsh in what I said. I am learning this also, and learning to accept it all myself, so it is part of what I have come to understand. We are not alone in this. It is hard to let go, to lose a part of ourselves, to lose that part of your identity that is bound up with your son.</p><p>But it is the only way to move forward yourself, and to release J to the freedom he needs and wants and must have for himself. -- In my opinion, let him be. I think he is showing he is at a point where he wants it for himself, but he needs to walk the lonesome highway on his own, and <u>needs your OK and approval and freedom to do it his way. </u></p><p></p><p>Take care. Bless. I am following along.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kalahou, post: 724408, member: 19617"] I agree with Albie. Copa, you have too much involvement, too much at stake - [U]for yourself[/U] - in this. You appear to only [U]want to accept what YOU want[/U] - you don't want to accept who your son is. He no doubt feels this and knows he will never please your expectations and never measure up to your standards, because that is not who he is. Copa, who your son is, and the person he will be --- is [U]not about you[/U] and not about what you want for yourself. [U]Do not look for your own worth and your own value in your son[/U]. It looks like you unjustly put too much responsibility on J to make him responsible for the value / the worth you want to find in your own life. He feels the guilt of this failure ([I]your [/I]feeling of failure?) in himself, ~ a failure that he will never be who you want him to be and a failure that he won't make you happy. We all are coming to realize that [U]it is not our Difficult Child's purpose in life to make us happy.[/U] Our job as parents was to raise them up to adults, which we have done. Now their lives (at J's age) are theirs to live and learn and accomplish their own purpose, as they can and will, according to who they are themselves. We still love, but we must detach and "let it be / let them go". A comment regarding your dismay with appearances: My son (a decade older than yours) right now is mostly / barely holding his own, away from me. I see this as some progress - at least it is not worse. But he [U]still wears the "uniform[/U]" Leafy described - he wears a hoody a lot, wears a baseball cap, wears wrinkled shirts and smelly shoes, unbrushed teeth when I see him. He rides a bike - has no license. ([I]none of this is how I wish to present myself.[/I]) But son is sober, is staying out of jail, and on occasion he actually smiles! (rarely see that). If that smile means he may be enjoying his life, if even for a moment in time ~ What a victory ~ if even for a moment! Mahalo! Copa, I don't mean to sound harsh in what I said. I am learning this also, and learning to accept it all myself, so it is part of what I have come to understand. We are not alone in this. It is hard to let go, to lose a part of ourselves, to lose that part of your identity that is bound up with your son. But it is the only way to move forward yourself, and to release J to the freedom he needs and wants and must have for himself. -- In my opinion, let him be. I think he is showing he is at a point where he wants it for himself, but he needs to walk the lonesome highway on his own, and [U]needs your OK and approval and freedom to do it his way. [/U] Take care. Bless. I am following along. [/QUOTE]
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