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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 754252" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hello all</p><p>I hope they find their way too. The younger ones are making progress. An eerie peace has settled over the house after months of daily fights, angst and swearing battles. Sad to say, but it is true that the boys trigger each other into re-enactments of the violence and chaos they were raised with. Eldest is testing the waters at his aunts house, but hopefully with more intense in home therapy he can decide which path to forge. It is easy for him with his body size to choose domination and control. I know that covers over the pain he feels deep down.</p><p> Interestingly enough, I was just reading about genetic memory of indigenous and marginalized people. That those wounds are passed down. There is a stand going on up at Mauna Kea where Hawaiian elders are protecting that sacred site from construction of a huge telescope. Also on the north side of Oahu where huge wind turbines are being built too close to homes and schools. So, Hawaiians, colonized and dispossessed of their homelands, once stripped of their culture, language, even their names, are still fighting for their sacred places, even as I write this. How does a young Hawaiian sit at school and take in the history and culture of the very people who overthrew his island kingdom? It wasn’t until the seventies that the truth of it was exposed. So, yes there is that in the mix as well, the continued injustice and indecency of using this culture to sell the beauty of this place.</p><p></p><p> There is so much to think about. The more I read, the more I realize how little I know. I don’t know who is saving who, my grands have forced me to look at my own buried hurts and grief as I try to understand the mechanism of their behaviors. To be kind and gentle even in the face of their acting out. To switch from a consequence laden structure to finding positives and recognition of their need to build trust and self esteem, attachment. It is not an easy journey, but I am learning.</p><p></p><p> Thank you Copa, you take care as well. You will never know how much your kindness and wisdom has helped me sort through dark times. You are in my heart as well.</p><p></p><p> TNT, we all deserve peace in our homes. My eldest took the role to assert himself the only way he knew how, what was modeled to him as the “alpha” male. It does not help that he is self medicating with pot and vaping. He is going to have to process years of trauma. He was not getting better in my home, rather reinforcing the chaos he knew, because he <em>could</em>. There was no way I could go up against his aggression. Neither his brother or sister. It is sad that he had to leave, but there was no other alternative. The dynamics between my grands was unhealthy, the eldest bullying the younger, asserting that they should listen to him because he was older. How I wish it wasn’t so. It is not the end of the story. I hope and pray he is able to sort through his issues and strive to reach his potential.</p><p>Much love to all, thank you so much.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 754252, member: 19522"] Hello all I hope they find their way too. The younger ones are making progress. An eerie peace has settled over the house after months of daily fights, angst and swearing battles. Sad to say, but it is true that the boys trigger each other into re-enactments of the violence and chaos they were raised with. Eldest is testing the waters at his aunts house, but hopefully with more intense in home therapy he can decide which path to forge. It is easy for him with his body size to choose domination and control. I know that covers over the pain he feels deep down. Interestingly enough, I was just reading about genetic memory of indigenous and marginalized people. That those wounds are passed down. There is a stand going on up at Mauna Kea where Hawaiian elders are protecting that sacred site from construction of a huge telescope. Also on the north side of Oahu where huge wind turbines are being built too close to homes and schools. So, Hawaiians, colonized and dispossessed of their homelands, once stripped of their culture, language, even their names, are still fighting for their sacred places, even as I write this. How does a young Hawaiian sit at school and take in the history and culture of the very people who overthrew his island kingdom? It wasn’t until the seventies that the truth of it was exposed. So, yes there is that in the mix as well, the continued injustice and indecency of using this culture to sell the beauty of this place. There is so much to think about. The more I read, the more I realize how little I know. I don’t know who is saving who, my grands have forced me to look at my own buried hurts and grief as I try to understand the mechanism of their behaviors. To be kind and gentle even in the face of their acting out. To switch from a consequence laden structure to finding positives and recognition of their need to build trust and self esteem, attachment. It is not an easy journey, but I am learning. Thank you Copa, you take care as well. You will never know how much your kindness and wisdom has helped me sort through dark times. You are in my heart as well. TNT, we all deserve peace in our homes. My eldest took the role to assert himself the only way he knew how, what was modeled to him as the “alpha” male. It does not help that he is self medicating with pot and vaping. He is going to have to process years of trauma. He was not getting better in my home, rather reinforcing the chaos he knew, because he [I]could[/I]. There was no way I could go up against his aggression. Neither his brother or sister. It is sad that he had to leave, but there was no other alternative. The dynamics between my grands was unhealthy, the eldest bullying the younger, asserting that they should listen to him because he was older. How I wish it wasn’t so. It is not the end of the story. I hope and pray he is able to sort through his issues and strive to reach his potential. Much love to all, thank you so much. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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