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The David Pelzer "A Child Called It" Family War aftermath of book
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 654997" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>A therapist explained to me that we will not have the feelings until we feel safe enough within our own identities to do so.</p><p></p><p>That requires trust. Trust in ourselves requires an internal locus of control.</p><p></p><p>That is why the Frankenstein imagery is so powerful for me.</p><p></p><p>I was very sorry to read about your childhood, SuZir. You have made a remarkable recovery. Your statements here are well written and you take a back seat to no one.</p><p></p><p>Good for you.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think it would make a difference if the person abusing you is your own mother. There is no safe harbor, no fantasy of rescue.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>"...there are many different ways to abuse a child."</p><p></p><p>I think Viktor Frankel defined and wrote about the keys to recovery from abuse of any kind when he wrote that we could reclaim ourselves through understanding that, though we cannot control what happens to us, we can determine our responses. </p><p></p><p>I am all about locus of control these days. Maybe that is why I am seeing it this way.</p><p></p><p>I think we need to remember that we can be rooked into abusive relationships as adults, too. We can be, as so many of us are, caught by a rapist or a financial scam artist, or can be betrayed and made to feel foolish or ashamed of ourselves in so many ways.</p><p></p><p>There are people out there, just as we learned when we were reading about the sociopaths next door, who relish destroying what they can.</p><p></p><p>If we understood their rationales, it could only be because we were that way, ourselves. So it makes sense that we don't get it, and that we spend so much time trying to figure out what was wrong enough with us to justify what they did.</p><p></p><p>There was nothing wrong with us.</p><p></p><p>Isn't that something.</p><p></p><p>Maybe that is the difference between abused kids who recover themselves through choosing kindness and those who go on to victimize. Maybe it really is a bad gene that is responsible, and our abusers, whoever they were, had that bad gene dominant.</p><p></p><p>Tanya, I wish those terrible things had never, ever happened to you, or to anyone.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>True. In that way, I am fortunate that my mom is still battling away at the world right out in the open where I can not not see it.</p><p></p><p>I don't believe it myself, sometimes.</p><p></p><p>That is why we are always thinking things like "What kind of person thinks such things about her own...." I think if we do not have that gene, we cannot understand the internal realities of those who do.</p><p></p><p>That is why we think forgiveness matters. We keep trying to love them, keep trying to give our abusers the shot at a normal, loving relationship we cannot imagine they don't want. I think I have not forgiven my abuser because I am still uncovering pockets of rage.</p><p></p><p>Lots of disbelief still sealing everything in, nice and tight, under a covering of really intense shame.</p><p></p><p>It gets all tangled up in blue, like that Bob Dylan song.</p><p></p><p>There is that little fugue of disreality, again. Like, maybe none of this really happened, and that is why it happened, to me.</p><p></p><p>Makes no sense, but that is what it feels like to doubt yourself regarding the how and why of having been targeted and hurt. Maybe it never happened at all, and that is why it happened to me.</p><p></p><p>On Peltzer and his obsession with the best seller list. External locus of control. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh, I am so happy for you both that you have validation.</p><p></p><p>Otherwise, we think there is something the matter with us.</p><p></p><p>Oh, good for you, Tanya!!!</p><p></p><p>And good for you both that your sister trusts you enough to be as vulnerable with you as it takes to discuss something like that.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I love this.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 654997, member: 17461"] A therapist explained to me that we will not have the feelings until we feel safe enough within our own identities to do so. That requires trust. Trust in ourselves requires an internal locus of control. That is why the Frankenstein imagery is so powerful for me. I was very sorry to read about your childhood, SuZir. You have made a remarkable recovery. Your statements here are well written and you take a back seat to no one. Good for you. I think it would make a difference if the person abusing you is your own mother. There is no safe harbor, no fantasy of rescue. "...there are many different ways to abuse a child." I think Viktor Frankel defined and wrote about the keys to recovery from abuse of any kind when he wrote that we could reclaim ourselves through understanding that, though we cannot control what happens to us, we can determine our responses. I am all about locus of control these days. Maybe that is why I am seeing it this way. I think we need to remember that we can be rooked into abusive relationships as adults, too. We can be, as so many of us are, caught by a rapist or a financial scam artist, or can be betrayed and made to feel foolish or ashamed of ourselves in so many ways. There are people out there, just as we learned when we were reading about the sociopaths next door, who relish destroying what they can. If we understood their rationales, it could only be because we were that way, ourselves. So it makes sense that we don't get it, and that we spend so much time trying to figure out what was wrong enough with us to justify what they did. There was nothing wrong with us. Isn't that something. Maybe that is the difference between abused kids who recover themselves through choosing kindness and those who go on to victimize. Maybe it really is a bad gene that is responsible, and our abusers, whoever they were, had that bad gene dominant. Tanya, I wish those terrible things had never, ever happened to you, or to anyone. True. In that way, I am fortunate that my mom is still battling away at the world right out in the open where I can not not see it. I don't believe it myself, sometimes. That is why we are always thinking things like "What kind of person thinks such things about her own...." I think if we do not have that gene, we cannot understand the internal realities of those who do. That is why we think forgiveness matters. We keep trying to love them, keep trying to give our abusers the shot at a normal, loving relationship we cannot imagine they don't want. I think I have not forgiven my abuser because I am still uncovering pockets of rage. Lots of disbelief still sealing everything in, nice and tight, under a covering of really intense shame. It gets all tangled up in blue, like that Bob Dylan song. There is that little fugue of disreality, again. Like, maybe none of this really happened, and that is why it happened, to me. Makes no sense, but that is what it feels like to doubt yourself regarding the how and why of having been targeted and hurt. Maybe it never happened at all, and that is why it happened to me. On Peltzer and his obsession with the best seller list. External locus of control. Oh, I am so happy for you both that you have validation. Otherwise, we think there is something the matter with us. Oh, good for you, Tanya!!! And good for you both that your sister trusts you enough to be as vulnerable with you as it takes to discuss something like that. I love this. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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The David Pelzer "A Child Called It" Family War aftermath of book
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