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The fear that your child could die
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 740806" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>SWOT, I agree with others here, and with the conclusion you've already drawn yourself.</p><p></p><p>A grown adult who repeatedly asks for help and advice, only to reject that help and advice when given, does not really want help and advice. He wants attention. He wants sympathy. He wants to wallow in his self-pity, and have you join him in the mire. He wants to make you feel bad or guilty, or punish you for what he perceives as your role in his current helplessness. He wants you to agree that the situation is hopeless and he is helpless so he can absolve himself of the responsibility of trying. Any of these, or some toxic combination of all of the above. But he does not actually want actionable suggestions of things he can actually do.</p><p></p><p>And in these situations, when dealing with an adult, there is nothing you can do. See my response on Copa's tie me to the mast thread: they are sitting on the floor or a room with multiple ways out while insisting they are trapped, and getting mad when we suggest (however kindly) that they might want to try getting up off the floor and turning a %@%#% doorknob.</p><p></p><p>He is making poor decisions for his health, but they are his decisions. When he decides it is important enough to do something about it, he will. In the meantime, you do not have to take abuse from him, or allow him to make his problems your problems.</p><p></p><p>This is when I go into Teflon mode. Let it slide off, and reflect it back on him. He gets upset and insists that your suggestions would never work? Oh, hon, that sounds like a tough problem - what are your ideas for getting around that? My idea won't work? OK, what are your ideas? Well, I've told you what I would do - sorry those aren't workable for you. I don't have any other suggestions, but I'm sure you'll figure out your own solutions. </p><p></p><p>It's maddening, I know. Hang in there. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I had to laugh, too! I also have a couple tall furry ones! <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/laugh.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":laugh:" title="laugh :laugh:" data-shortname=":laugh:" /></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I know! I wish we could all keep our furry babies forever. It's been a little more than a month since losing Stellaluna and I still keep thinking I see her out of the corner of my eye or feel her soft little paws getting up on the bed from her kitty stairs in the middle of the night.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 740806, member: 23349"] SWOT, I agree with others here, and with the conclusion you've already drawn yourself. A grown adult who repeatedly asks for help and advice, only to reject that help and advice when given, does not really want help and advice. He wants attention. He wants sympathy. He wants to wallow in his self-pity, and have you join him in the mire. He wants to make you feel bad or guilty, or punish you for what he perceives as your role in his current helplessness. He wants you to agree that the situation is hopeless and he is helpless so he can absolve himself of the responsibility of trying. Any of these, or some toxic combination of all of the above. But he does not actually want actionable suggestions of things he can actually do. And in these situations, when dealing with an adult, there is nothing you can do. See my response on Copa's tie me to the mast thread: they are sitting on the floor or a room with multiple ways out while insisting they are trapped, and getting mad when we suggest (however kindly) that they might want to try getting up off the floor and turning a %@%#% doorknob. He is making poor decisions for his health, but they are his decisions. When he decides it is important enough to do something about it, he will. In the meantime, you do not have to take abuse from him, or allow him to make his problems your problems. This is when I go into Teflon mode. Let it slide off, and reflect it back on him. He gets upset and insists that your suggestions would never work? Oh, hon, that sounds like a tough problem - what are your ideas for getting around that? My idea won't work? OK, what are your ideas? Well, I've told you what I would do - sorry those aren't workable for you. I don't have any other suggestions, but I'm sure you'll figure out your own solutions. It's maddening, I know. Hang in there. I had to laugh, too! I also have a couple tall furry ones! :laugh: I know! I wish we could all keep our furry babies forever. It's been a little more than a month since losing Stellaluna and I still keep thinking I see her out of the corner of my eye or feel her soft little paws getting up on the bed from her kitty stairs in the middle of the night. [/QUOTE]
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