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Parent Emeritus
The grey area: keeping difficult child safe vs. enabling (update & need advice)
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<blockquote data-quote="bertie" data-source="post: 176614" data-attributes="member: 965"><p>Thanks so much! You all are SUCH great support! I just sent this email to difficult child's girlfriend, because she told me this morning she's feeling very guilty in regards to him (I don't know why) - and he tends to use the phone to harass people - wondering what you think of it?</p><p>============================</p><p>Dear _____,</p><p></p><p>difficult child is definitely anxious today and I know it's about court tomorrow. He called me today to ask for money for food. I told him no, he needs to find a part-time job. I also told him that he needs to go to DSHS today and get food stamps.</p><p> </p><p>He started to argue with me on the phone because he wanted money - I said, "I love you, but I'm not talking about this anymore. I'm hanging up now" and I hung up.</p><p> </p><p>He sent me texts and called me several times, but I didn't answer. The third time he sent me a text, I sent him this text message: "Stop this or I will block your number". He stopped. He is very impulsive when he's anxious. A few minutes ago I sent him a text: "I love u but u HAVE to become more self-sufficient." </p><p> </p><p>This is not easy. I haven't had to do this for a long time with him and it is just as hard as it was a few years ago - you tend get more used to it after a while, but it's been a long time for me, so my guilt is kicking in. </p><p> </p><p>Guilt is a very powerful emotion and we ladies have a very strong Guilt Gene. My best friend and I joke about it, how women are so good at feeling guilty ; ) </p><p>Also, your mind and your heart are very separate - it's frustrating because in your head you KNOW something is right or wrong, yet you can't control how you feel about it. </p><p> </p><p>Hang in there dear, he may try your patience today - just don't engage with him and remember, it's the chemicals talking, not him. If he starts arguing, just say "It sounds like you're having a difficult day, maybe it's better if we talk at another time". He will argue, then you can say "I love you but let's talk about this later" and hang up. If he keeps calling you, turn off your phone or turn the ringer off. He will get the message that you're sticking to your boundaries and he will eventually stop using the phone to control you.</p><p> </p><p>And try not to feel guilty because YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT.</p><p></p><p>Love, _______</p><p></p><p>======================</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="bertie, post: 176614, member: 965"] Thanks so much! You all are SUCH great support! I just sent this email to difficult child's girlfriend, because she told me this morning she's feeling very guilty in regards to him (I don't know why) - and he tends to use the phone to harass people - wondering what you think of it? ============================ Dear _____, difficult child is definitely anxious today and I know it's about court tomorrow. He called me today to ask for money for food. I told him no, he needs to find a part-time job. I also told him that he needs to go to DSHS today and get food stamps. He started to argue with me on the phone because he wanted money - I said, "I love you, but I'm not talking about this anymore. I'm hanging up now" and I hung up. He sent me texts and called me several times, but I didn't answer. The third time he sent me a text, I sent him this text message: "Stop this or I will block your number". He stopped. He is very impulsive when he's anxious. A few minutes ago I sent him a text: "I love u but u HAVE to become more self-sufficient." This is not easy. I haven't had to do this for a long time with him and it is just as hard as it was a few years ago - you tend get more used to it after a while, but it's been a long time for me, so my guilt is kicking in. Guilt is a very powerful emotion and we ladies have a very strong Guilt Gene. My best friend and I joke about it, how women are so good at feeling guilty ; ) Also, your mind and your heart are very separate - it's frustrating because in your head you KNOW something is right or wrong, yet you can't control how you feel about it. Hang in there dear, he may try your patience today - just don't engage with him and remember, it's the chemicals talking, not him. If he starts arguing, just say "It sounds like you're having a difficult day, maybe it's better if we talk at another time". He will argue, then you can say "I love you but let's talk about this later" and hang up. If he keeps calling you, turn off your phone or turn the ringer off. He will get the message that you're sticking to your boundaries and he will eventually stop using the phone to control you. And try not to feel guilty because YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT. Love, _______ ====================== [/QUOTE]
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The grey area: keeping difficult child safe vs. enabling (update & need advice)
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