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The harsh truth....
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 71620" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Linda, you have a daughter with a lot of problems, including Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). She is already insecure, feeling that life is rocky and she is holding on precariously at times.</p><p></p><p>And then you go and get sick. While it was really bad, she wouldn't have felt safe to express her fears because to do so in her mind could have made them more likely to come true.</p><p></p><p>But now you are out of danger - still ill, but out of danger. Now the worst of the crisis is over, she can stop trying to be strong, and allow herself to fall apart a bit. She is probably also angry at the fears in herself that you brought to the surface by getting sick - angry at the uncertainty she feels, the dear that you might go away permanently.</p><p></p><p>Even easy child kids get like this - I saw it with easy child when I first became ill, and I wasn't as sick as you were. And yet easy child was scared i was dying but nobody was willing to be honest with her about it. Then she was afraid that even thinking that might make it happen. Then she was angry because she didn't want to lose me, angry at me for getting sick and not being able to do the usual things with hr; angry at the changes this brought to her life; then angry with herself for being so selfish (in her own eyes).</p><p></p><p>I'm now seeing it with a friend of mine who recently became very ill, diagnosis still unknown. But cancer was seriously on the cards for a while, whispered about behind closed doors. Now she's clearly not got cancer and seems to be recovering slowly, her daughter has stopped being quiet and considerate; now she's throwing tantrums, raging at her mother and getting very demanding. And she is another easy child.</p><p></p><p>Your kt has been doing really well lately, improving no end in the Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) department as well. Which means her attachment to you is strengthening. Then you go and get drastically ill and it has really rocked kt's boat. The way she is behaving now is actually a measure of her love for you and her attachment to you now. She is maybe scared at how much she feels she depends on you being around, and is scared by it. She needs constant reassurance that you WILL get better, you WILL be around for a long time. She may even need to hear it from a doctor, since parents have been known to lie to their kids at such times.</p><p></p><p>I grew up with a mother who could have died at almost any moment. She had severe asthma and there were a number of times I woke in the middle of the night to smell the ether my mother's arm was being swabbed with, before getting a shot of adrenalin. If I went out to investigate I was harshly spoken to and told to go back to bed, it was none of my business. About half the time, when I got up in the morning my mother would be gone, back in hospital again, and in a time when children were not permitted to go into those hospital wards, even during visiting hours. I remember being taken to the hospital for visiting hours (because there was nobody at home to mind me, anyway) and sometimes grudgingly allowed in by the nursing staff, for just a minute or two, then having to sit outside alone while the adults in the family visited my mother. </p><p>During these times I had to "be good" and "help the family" in ways that my mother had taught me - I had to follow her routine and get my father's breakfast for him each morning (soft-boiled eggs, toast, tea) at exactly the right time (it was like something from "Around the World in Eighty Days") and each afternoon, begin dinner preparations so we could get the evening meal served up as soon as possible after everyone else came home, so the hospital visit could happen again. The hospital was an hour's drive away.</p><p>I had too much to do, other people also were worried but not showing it, so I had to be strong as well. I had to find other ways to express it, ways that didn't involve letting others be upset by my distress.</p><p></p><p>I don't remember falling apart when the danger was past and my mother was home again, but I desperately wanted to fall apart. </p><p></p><p>And I was a easy child. </p><p></p><p>I think kt is still reacting to your health crisis. The danger is now past, and all the adrenalin and everything else is now coming home to roost. She now feels safer and is allowing hr feelings to show. Maybe if you can sit and talk about how she really feels - it might help. Don't focus on her behaviour at the moment - just talk to her about her fears.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 71620, member: 1991"] Linda, you have a daughter with a lot of problems, including Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). She is already insecure, feeling that life is rocky and she is holding on precariously at times. And then you go and get sick. While it was really bad, she wouldn't have felt safe to express her fears because to do so in her mind could have made them more likely to come true. But now you are out of danger - still ill, but out of danger. Now the worst of the crisis is over, she can stop trying to be strong, and allow herself to fall apart a bit. She is probably also angry at the fears in herself that you brought to the surface by getting sick - angry at the uncertainty she feels, the dear that you might go away permanently. Even easy child kids get like this - I saw it with easy child when I first became ill, and I wasn't as sick as you were. And yet easy child was scared i was dying but nobody was willing to be honest with her about it. Then she was afraid that even thinking that might make it happen. Then she was angry because she didn't want to lose me, angry at me for getting sick and not being able to do the usual things with hr; angry at the changes this brought to her life; then angry with herself for being so selfish (in her own eyes). I'm now seeing it with a friend of mine who recently became very ill, diagnosis still unknown. But cancer was seriously on the cards for a while, whispered about behind closed doors. Now she's clearly not got cancer and seems to be recovering slowly, her daughter has stopped being quiet and considerate; now she's throwing tantrums, raging at her mother and getting very demanding. And she is another easy child. Your kt has been doing really well lately, improving no end in the Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) department as well. Which means her attachment to you is strengthening. Then you go and get drastically ill and it has really rocked kt's boat. The way she is behaving now is actually a measure of her love for you and her attachment to you now. She is maybe scared at how much she feels she depends on you being around, and is scared by it. She needs constant reassurance that you WILL get better, you WILL be around for a long time. She may even need to hear it from a doctor, since parents have been known to lie to their kids at such times. I grew up with a mother who could have died at almost any moment. She had severe asthma and there were a number of times I woke in the middle of the night to smell the ether my mother's arm was being swabbed with, before getting a shot of adrenalin. If I went out to investigate I was harshly spoken to and told to go back to bed, it was none of my business. About half the time, when I got up in the morning my mother would be gone, back in hospital again, and in a time when children were not permitted to go into those hospital wards, even during visiting hours. I remember being taken to the hospital for visiting hours (because there was nobody at home to mind me, anyway) and sometimes grudgingly allowed in by the nursing staff, for just a minute or two, then having to sit outside alone while the adults in the family visited my mother. During these times I had to "be good" and "help the family" in ways that my mother had taught me - I had to follow her routine and get my father's breakfast for him each morning (soft-boiled eggs, toast, tea) at exactly the right time (it was like something from "Around the World in Eighty Days") and each afternoon, begin dinner preparations so we could get the evening meal served up as soon as possible after everyone else came home, so the hospital visit could happen again. The hospital was an hour's drive away. I had too much to do, other people also were worried but not showing it, so I had to be strong as well. I had to find other ways to express it, ways that didn't involve letting others be upset by my distress. I don't remember falling apart when the danger was past and my mother was home again, but I desperately wanted to fall apart. And I was a easy child. I think kt is still reacting to your health crisis. The danger is now past, and all the adrenalin and everything else is now coming home to roost. She now feels safer and is allowing hr feelings to show. Maybe if you can sit and talk about how she really feels - it might help. Don't focus on her behaviour at the moment - just talk to her about her fears. Marg [/QUOTE]
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