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The nice lady Stephanie wants me to participate in family meetings....
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 629594" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Echo? It is okay to be cold. Just for this minute, just for this time when everything you know to do has not worked. It doesn't feel much like the loving mother we celebrate being, the loving mother we have always been. But maybe Echo, just maybe, just for this one time...that colder mother will turn out to be the mother this child of ours needed to turn himself around. It could be that our children, cherished and mothered and loved to within an inch of their lives, need to learn they are stronger, more competent, than they thought.</p><p></p><p>Maybe this is what they have been trying to tell us, all along?</p><p></p><p>I think about that alot, as I have learned the skill of detaching from the emotional component of what happens with my children. Maybe part of this is that we have been there for the kids too much. Maybe, they are afraid they cannot make it without us and so, they make sure they will not make it without us...and they make sure we will see them not making it.</p><p></p><p>This convoluted explanation of what detachment looks like to me is how I finally understood detaching as the one tool I had not tried to help my son claim his own manhood.</p><p></p><p>He truly hates me for it, Echo. But I think this is the right thing to do. I know that I love my son. That he claims I don't...I don't actually know what to do about that, yet.</p><p></p><p>(difficult child daughter has an illness. difficult child son does not. I have employed tactics of detachment with both my kids. But the way I needed to approach detaching was different, was individual to each child.)</p><p></p><p>Maybe Echo, you can see that emotional state you call cold as a time of clarity. I think, for me anyway, that is what that feeling is. I am thinking, assessing. I have chosen not to revert to my old behaviors and responses (and guilts). </p><p></p><p>Cold is good.</p><p></p><p>A new decision will come from it.</p><p></p><p>We need to be out of the FOG before we can see where we are.</p><p></p><p>You will not always be cold, Echo. And, as I tell myself, the other way has not helped any of us.</p><p></p><p>It takes courage to try a new, unknown path, Echo.</p><p></p><p>You are courageous.</p><p></p><p>It doesn't feel good, to be that person. But that, until you learn differently, is who your son needs you to be, right now.</p><p></p><p>He has all the help he needs Echo. There will never be a better, safer time to deconstruct that nest so he can fly.</p><p></p><p>With so much at risk, it is hard to choose bravery. But you did it, Echo.</p><p></p><p>You are brave, you are courageous. You are loving your son in the way that is best for him. If it doesn't work, then you will learn a different way. That is the problem, here. Nothing we do or say seems to help our kids.</p><p></p><p>This is something different. It doesn't feel right Echo, but give it a chance.</p><p></p><p>You can always go back to the old days, the old ways.</p><p></p><p>I think you are doing the right thing for your son, Echo.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 629594, member: 17461"] Echo? It is okay to be cold. Just for this minute, just for this time when everything you know to do has not worked. It doesn't feel much like the loving mother we celebrate being, the loving mother we have always been. But maybe Echo, just maybe, just for this one time...that colder mother will turn out to be the mother this child of ours needed to turn himself around. It could be that our children, cherished and mothered and loved to within an inch of their lives, need to learn they are stronger, more competent, than they thought. Maybe this is what they have been trying to tell us, all along? I think about that alot, as I have learned the skill of detaching from the emotional component of what happens with my children. Maybe part of this is that we have been there for the kids too much. Maybe, they are afraid they cannot make it without us and so, they make sure they will not make it without us...and they make sure we will see them not making it. This convoluted explanation of what detachment looks like to me is how I finally understood detaching as the one tool I had not tried to help my son claim his own manhood. He truly hates me for it, Echo. But I think this is the right thing to do. I know that I love my son. That he claims I don't...I don't actually know what to do about that, yet. (difficult child daughter has an illness. difficult child son does not. I have employed tactics of detachment with both my kids. But the way I needed to approach detaching was different, was individual to each child.) Maybe Echo, you can see that emotional state you call cold as a time of clarity. I think, for me anyway, that is what that feeling is. I am thinking, assessing. I have chosen not to revert to my old behaviors and responses (and guilts). Cold is good. A new decision will come from it. We need to be out of the FOG before we can see where we are. You will not always be cold, Echo. And, as I tell myself, the other way has not helped any of us. It takes courage to try a new, unknown path, Echo. You are courageous. It doesn't feel good, to be that person. But that, until you learn differently, is who your son needs you to be, right now. He has all the help he needs Echo. There will never be a better, safer time to deconstruct that nest so he can fly. With so much at risk, it is hard to choose bravery. But you did it, Echo. You are brave, you are courageous. You are loving your son in the way that is best for him. If it doesn't work, then you will learn a different way. That is the problem, here. Nothing we do or say seems to help our kids. This is something different. It doesn't feel right Echo, but give it a chance. You can always go back to the old days, the old ways. I think you are doing the right thing for your son, Echo. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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The nice lady Stephanie wants me to participate in family meetings....
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