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Parent Emeritus
The "Stuff" Just Hit the Fan
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 742848" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>Laura mine used to but I’ve successfully broken them of that habit. It’s taken years though. Just being consistent and refusing to get emotional about it. It is a lot harder in person. I usually resorted to ‘I’m done talking about this - do you want to stay and talk about something else or is it time for you to go?’ We had a lot of history together with witnessing and being subjected to abuse by their dad for years, and one of the most powerful things I learned to do, even before I left for good, was calmly naming and rejecting abusive behavior when I saw it. As in, ‘what you just said to me is emotionally/verbally abusive, and I am not going to let you talk to me that way. If you can’t calm down and talk rationally this conversation is over.’ And I’ve had many conversations since with all of them about their dad’s behaviors and naming and defining abuse. Not to run down or shame their dad but to break the cycle - to make sure they knew what behaviors were abusive and should not be repeated in their own relationships. So i have a shortcut to calling them on abusive words or behaviors now. I can just quietly say ‘you know I won’t let you talk to me that way’ or even just raise my eyebrows at them they generally back down. Because we’ve talked about it, and because we all went through hell together and my boys in particular have a protective streak towards me sometimes that I can pull out of them by evoking that history in a low key way. Reminding them that we don’t go back there anymore.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 742848, member: 23349"] Laura mine used to but I’ve successfully broken them of that habit. It’s taken years though. Just being consistent and refusing to get emotional about it. It is a lot harder in person. I usually resorted to ‘I’m done talking about this - do you want to stay and talk about something else or is it time for you to go?’ We had a lot of history together with witnessing and being subjected to abuse by their dad for years, and one of the most powerful things I learned to do, even before I left for good, was calmly naming and rejecting abusive behavior when I saw it. As in, ‘what you just said to me is emotionally/verbally abusive, and I am not going to let you talk to me that way. If you can’t calm down and talk rationally this conversation is over.’ And I’ve had many conversations since with all of them about their dad’s behaviors and naming and defining abuse. Not to run down or shame their dad but to break the cycle - to make sure they knew what behaviors were abusive and should not be repeated in their own relationships. So i have a shortcut to calling them on abusive words or behaviors now. I can just quietly say ‘you know I won’t let you talk to me that way’ or even just raise my eyebrows at them they generally back down. Because we’ve talked about it, and because we all went through hell together and my boys in particular have a protective streak towards me sometimes that I can pull out of them by evoking that history in a low key way. Reminding them that we don’t go back there anymore. [/QUOTE]
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