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The truth comes out...maybe
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 645356" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>This is unbelievable, Lil.</p><p></p><p>So...were there times when he was a child when money bought him access to some quality-of-life thing you felt he needed?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This tells me you have placed a high priority on understanding your son, on communication at whatever level it took to get through to him, at some point in the past.</p><p></p><p>Here is a story: Prior to what happened to difficult child daughter, during the time when we still thought everything was going to be fine, difficult child daughter was spending our money quite handily, and wanted husband to cover car repair he had already given money for. (Which money was gone. Gambled away, so we would later learn.) So, they were at the mechanic's. And difficult child daughter started crying about how ashamed husband must be of her, and how ashamed she was of herself, because her children have different fathers.</p><p></p><p>husband paid for the repair. <em>Plus he gave her a signed, blank check for emergencies that might come up after we had gone South.</em></p><p></p><p>husband never saw the manipulation in it. He saw the intimacy, the time of nurturing and fathering and protecting and strengthening. </p><p></p><p>I don't feel shame at the number of fathers involved with difficult child children or at their race. Those are my grandchildren and I love them and I no longer care about any of those things in the least. Therefore, this manipulation would not have worked <em>and has never been used</em> with me. </p><p></p><p>But it worked with husband because, though he tries not to, he does harbor and tries to rise above those feelings.</p><p></p><p>When our difficult children hit the emotional nerve that will get them what they want, the place we respond from is a blind spot for us, I think. We find ourselves proving <em>to ourselves</em> that what the difficult child said about themselves is not what we believe.</p><p></p><p>And the money flows.</p><p></p><p>In difficult child daughter's defense, she did tell us she had lost the check, and to stop payment on it, when she went homeless. I think now that there was no one who would cash it for her. It was drawn on a credit union account where both we and our difficult child are all too well known.</p><p></p><p>But that is what manipulation is with a difficult child.</p><p></p><p>I could not tell you the nature of difficult child daughter's manipulations with me. They work because I can't see them.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 645356, member: 17461"] This is unbelievable, Lil. So...were there times when he was a child when money bought him access to some quality-of-life thing you felt he needed? This tells me you have placed a high priority on understanding your son, on communication at whatever level it took to get through to him, at some point in the past. Here is a story: Prior to what happened to difficult child daughter, during the time when we still thought everything was going to be fine, difficult child daughter was spending our money quite handily, and wanted husband to cover car repair he had already given money for. (Which money was gone. Gambled away, so we would later learn.) So, they were at the mechanic's. And difficult child daughter started crying about how ashamed husband must be of her, and how ashamed she was of herself, because her children have different fathers. husband paid for the repair. [I]Plus he gave her a signed, blank check for emergencies that might come up after we had gone South.[/I] husband never saw the manipulation in it. He saw the intimacy, the time of nurturing and fathering and protecting and strengthening. I don't feel shame at the number of fathers involved with difficult child children or at their race. Those are my grandchildren and I love them and I no longer care about any of those things in the least. Therefore, this manipulation would not have worked [I]and has never been used[/I] with me. But it worked with husband because, though he tries not to, he does harbor and tries to rise above those feelings. When our difficult children hit the emotional nerve that will get them what they want, the place we respond from is a blind spot for us, I think. We find ourselves proving [I]to ourselves[/I] that what the difficult child said about themselves is not what we believe. And the money flows. In difficult child daughter's defense, she did tell us she had lost the check, and to stop payment on it, when she went homeless. I think now that there was no one who would cash it for her. It was drawn on a credit union account where both we and our difficult child are all too well known. But that is what manipulation is with a difficult child. I could not tell you the nature of difficult child daughter's manipulations with me. They work because I can't see them. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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