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Family of Origin
The win and the loss
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 676643" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>It isn't whether a certain story is worse or better, Leafy. It is whether we are willing to reclaim ourselves. Nothing else matters at all. At certain points, however it happened, we were forced to choose against ourselves. We are like captured and brainwashed soldiers in this way. Like they do too, we suffer PTSD and we don't sleep well and we are no longer certain of ourselves in the way those who have never been tortured are certain of themselves.</p><p></p><p>So, that is our situation.</p><p></p><p>We always knew that what happened to us was wrong. What we did not know was that we could heal it.</p><p></p><p>Now, we do.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>We are meant to be healthy and whole. Think about it. If we cut ourselves, we heal. Same thing with our emotional health. We just aren't sure how to do it, that's all.</p><p></p><p>You know what though?</p><p></p><p>We are doing it.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Our abusers, whoever they were, found their supremacy in dominating their own children. I don't mean teaching them. I don't even mean disciplining them. I mean intentionally hurting their own children to the point of turning their locus of control from inside, from the heart and center of us where it belongs, to outside. To anyone stronger than us. To anyone who threatens or frightens us. Whether we respond in a placating way or through anger or through withdrawal, the hurt at the center is the same one.</p><p></p><p>How vulnerable this has made us, and how alone.</p><p></p><p>This should never have happened to us, or to anyone. We are meant to be whole.</p><p></p><p>The abuser's weapon was contempt of one kind or another. The remedy is compassion.</p><p></p><p>Nothing more, but that is hard to do when we have been hurt the way we have.</p><p></p><p>Leafy, no one can hear you or comfort you or mirror your pain for you but you. But Leafy <em>no one has the right to do that for you but you.</em> Someone somewhere taught you someone else needed to validate whatever it is you feel.</p><p></p><p>That was a lie. </p><p></p><p>Stop believing that lie they told you about who you are, Leafy. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes. That is what I mean when I wonder who is the liar. Me, or my mother? it was a hard question. I determined compassion could come later, for my mother and for my sister. Truly, what if I were the one who remembered awful things that were not true? It was that disorienting to confront those things that had been hurt into me. But I had witnesses here on the site to strengthen me, and I had D H to witness for me in what he had observed, and I had my determination to not carry around weaknesses that were making me a wishy washy mom when my kids were in such outrageous trouble.</p><p></p><p>So, I put my mother in the Conduct Disorders motorcycle carrying bag. As I came clearer, I put in an excellently executed needlepoint that reads: F You, Mom.</p><p></p><p>Then, we made the carrying bag big enough for a beautiful English library with leaded glass windows and sparkling crystal and good Scotch and butlers.</p><p></p><p>That was how we dealt with the issue of betraying our mothers.</p><p></p><p>We kept them safe, and we honored them, but we addressed true things that were weakening us.</p><p></p><p>And we got better. And we figured out how to keep going. And it was really hard Leafy, but you can do it, too. Perfectionism is an indication of external locus of control. To me, it is. How that happened ~ whether I was beat and you were not ~ that doesn't matter. What matters is that we recover internal locus of control.</p><p></p><p>We are in difficult situations. Our children are in danger and in trouble. We need to be stronger. </p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 676643, member: 17461"] It isn't whether a certain story is worse or better, Leafy. It is whether we are willing to reclaim ourselves. Nothing else matters at all. At certain points, however it happened, we were forced to choose against ourselves. We are like captured and brainwashed soldiers in this way. Like they do too, we suffer PTSD and we don't sleep well and we are no longer certain of ourselves in the way those who have never been tortured are certain of themselves. So, that is our situation. We always knew that what happened to us was wrong. What we did not know was that we could heal it. Now, we do. *** We are meant to be healthy and whole. Think about it. If we cut ourselves, we heal. Same thing with our emotional health. We just aren't sure how to do it, that's all. You know what though? We are doing it. *** Our abusers, whoever they were, found their supremacy in dominating their own children. I don't mean teaching them. I don't even mean disciplining them. I mean intentionally hurting their own children to the point of turning their locus of control from inside, from the heart and center of us where it belongs, to outside. To anyone stronger than us. To anyone who threatens or frightens us. Whether we respond in a placating way or through anger or through withdrawal, the hurt at the center is the same one. How vulnerable this has made us, and how alone. This should never have happened to us, or to anyone. We are meant to be whole. The abuser's weapon was contempt of one kind or another. The remedy is compassion. Nothing more, but that is hard to do when we have been hurt the way we have. Leafy, no one can hear you or comfort you or mirror your pain for you but you. But Leafy [I]no one has the right to do that for you but you.[/I] Someone somewhere taught you someone else needed to validate whatever it is you feel. That was a lie. Stop believing that lie they told you about who you are, Leafy. Yes. That is what I mean when I wonder who is the liar. Me, or my mother? it was a hard question. I determined compassion could come later, for my mother and for my sister. Truly, what if I were the one who remembered awful things that were not true? It was that disorienting to confront those things that had been hurt into me. But I had witnesses here on the site to strengthen me, and I had D H to witness for me in what he had observed, and I had my determination to not carry around weaknesses that were making me a wishy washy mom when my kids were in such outrageous trouble. So, I put my mother in the Conduct Disorders motorcycle carrying bag. As I came clearer, I put in an excellently executed needlepoint that reads: F You, Mom. Then, we made the carrying bag big enough for a beautiful English library with leaded glass windows and sparkling crystal and good Scotch and butlers. That was how we dealt with the issue of betraying our mothers. We kept them safe, and we honored them, but we addressed true things that were weakening us. And we got better. And we figured out how to keep going. And it was really hard Leafy, but you can do it, too. Perfectionism is an indication of external locus of control. To me, it is. How that happened ~ whether I was beat and you were not ~ that doesn't matter. What matters is that we recover internal locus of control. We are in difficult situations. Our children are in danger and in trouble. We need to be stronger. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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