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Family of Origin
The win and the loss
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 676728" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I think this is so. Thank you. </p><p></p><p>You know the "banality of evil?" I have taken as a given constant fear. And dreadful self-attack. The banality of punishment. The expectation of danger. Of somebody unhappy with me. Of having done wrong. Fell short. That is my reality. I create danger and risk in order to restore the internal climate that feels normal. When it is OK, I am anxious. I expect punishment so I create some condition that requires it.</p><p></p><p>This is why I have to be very, very careful with my perceptions of M and about him. I say that had a look of contempt. When he looked upset. I see things in a distorted manner. I cannot trust my perceptions. I do not trust them.</p><p>Cedar, I saw my sister so infrequently in our adult lives, but there were half a dozen, max, meals. I remember them as agonies. My sister is a good cook. There was always some indignity. She would kick us out. Or do some inappropriate thing to undermine us, and to show her power. </p><p></p><p>I think this is M's issue with me. That we arrive at some kind of balance or acceptance of our way of life. Not such extremes. It is hard to explain. </p><p>No. He should not. But was it contempt? He awoke out of a deep sleep in the middle of the night. Not happy. But not awake either. So much in me is distorted. It is a reason I cannot forgive myself for staying away from my mother.</p><p></p><p>I exaggerated the risk of being near her, when I was an adult, because I could not bear it when she was angry at me. The residue of the past. Call it PTSD.</p><p></p><p>Yes, it might have been part of her fault. But I blame myself for not having cured myself. Even though I tried. </p><p>Thank you Cedar.</p><p>Thank you.</p><p>Yes, I think so. I think this is exactly it. That is why patience is so needed, with ourselves.</p><p>I am not sure I understand what you are saying here, Cedar. Are you referring here to the couple that we have befriended, that M wanted to invite over? These people would not require that be perfect. They already like us. They live in a little in law apartment behind the wife's mother's house. These people are not competitive or false, they are good. </p><p></p><p>And the latter sentence, which I put in italics. I think your meaning is sinking in. That all that is required is living without cruelty to myself. And nothing more. Is it about achieving an internal locus of control, the recognition that I am enough, no matter what, and letting go? That no dancing dog performance is required? That there can be goodness and acceptance in life, for which you do not have to sell yourself or submit? </p><p></p><p>Is it all happening because I have shed so much old skin, and I am vulnerable in a way I have never been before...but have not changed the piece of me that is so harsh? What I am fearing that will come from others...is really coming from myself.</p><p></p><p>Is that what you mean?</p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 676728, member: 18958"] I think this is so. Thank you. You know the "banality of evil?" I have taken as a given constant fear. And dreadful self-attack. The banality of punishment. The expectation of danger. Of somebody unhappy with me. Of having done wrong. Fell short. That is my reality. I create danger and risk in order to restore the internal climate that feels normal. When it is OK, I am anxious. I expect punishment so I create some condition that requires it. This is why I have to be very, very careful with my perceptions of M and about him. I say that had a look of contempt. When he looked upset. I see things in a distorted manner. I cannot trust my perceptions. I do not trust them. Cedar, I saw my sister so infrequently in our adult lives, but there were half a dozen, max, meals. I remember them as agonies. My sister is a good cook. There was always some indignity. She would kick us out. Or do some inappropriate thing to undermine us, and to show her power. I think this is M's issue with me. That we arrive at some kind of balance or acceptance of our way of life. Not such extremes. It is hard to explain. No. He should not. But was it contempt? He awoke out of a deep sleep in the middle of the night. Not happy. But not awake either. So much in me is distorted. It is a reason I cannot forgive myself for staying away from my mother. I exaggerated the risk of being near her, when I was an adult, because I could not bear it when she was angry at me. The residue of the past. Call it PTSD. Yes, it might have been part of her fault. But I blame myself for not having cured myself. Even though I tried. Thank you Cedar. Thank you. Yes, I think so. I think this is exactly it. That is why patience is so needed, with ourselves. I am not sure I understand what you are saying here, Cedar. Are you referring here to the couple that we have befriended, that M wanted to invite over? These people would not require that be perfect. They already like us. They live in a little in law apartment behind the wife's mother's house. These people are not competitive or false, they are good. And the latter sentence, which I put in italics. I think your meaning is sinking in. That all that is required is living without cruelty to myself. And nothing more. Is it about achieving an internal locus of control, the recognition that I am enough, no matter what, and letting go? That no dancing dog performance is required? That there can be goodness and acceptance in life, for which you do not have to sell yourself or submit? Is it all happening because I have shed so much old skin, and I am vulnerable in a way I have never been before...but have not changed the piece of me that is so harsh? What I am fearing that will come from others...is really coming from myself. Is that what you mean? Thank you. COPA [/QUOTE]
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