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<blockquote data-quote="JayPee" data-source="post: 753145" data-attributes="member: 23405"><p>Tanya - I like what you wrote. It helps shake me out of my "daze" I can get myself into. </p><p></p><p>Younger son has been in communication with me more so lately. It's good but it's bad. Like Ms. LuLu (even with 2+ yrs. of therapy and Al anon under my belt) I still feel sucker punched when in the throws of a crisis with him. His whole life is a crisis. And even when I think I've got it under control I realize I have knots in my neck and when my phone dings and the doorbell bings, I'm a wreck. I feel fine when I've immersed myself in prayer or a good book to help me not enable or is faith filled. I feel like I could move mountains during those moments. But when I have to deal with whatever catastrophy is pending in his life that day, (no food, no gas, he feels lonely, etc.) I often want to crawl back into bed! I am better, believe it or not, but gosh I have a long way to go to not be triggered. I too lie in bed many, many nights wondering why? why? why? Why can't my sons(s) function and go to work every day and have purpose and hope in their lives? It's exhausting.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes when I'm around my sons (although not oldest for a while) it's as if I have blinders on and they become my focus over everything else including me. </p><p></p><p>It's as if I must constantly be working on myself to not enable, not rescue, not fix and to give them over to God. I so easily can fall back in to old patterns. I wonder if I'll ever be fully recovered?</p><p></p><p></p><p>CK - I've been divorced two years and I'm not really sure I'll ever meet someone again but I often wonder how can I ever "logically" explain all that's gone on with my sons over the last ten years and come out sounding like I'm sane to someone else. It makes me feel "broken" and I'm not sure someone else could really be part of my world. I also worry if "the way I've been affected" by all that's gone on makes me defective as a partner in some way. Plus, it would probably take me ten years to clearly explain everything that's happened. I wouldn't want to drag the relationship down by explaining but by the same token it's part of who I am now. It's part of my scars.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="JayPee, post: 753145, member: 23405"] Tanya - I like what you wrote. It helps shake me out of my "daze" I can get myself into. Younger son has been in communication with me more so lately. It's good but it's bad. Like Ms. LuLu (even with 2+ yrs. of therapy and Al anon under my belt) I still feel sucker punched when in the throws of a crisis with him. His whole life is a crisis. And even when I think I've got it under control I realize I have knots in my neck and when my phone dings and the doorbell bings, I'm a wreck. I feel fine when I've immersed myself in prayer or a good book to help me not enable or is faith filled. I feel like I could move mountains during those moments. But when I have to deal with whatever catastrophy is pending in his life that day, (no food, no gas, he feels lonely, etc.) I often want to crawl back into bed! I am better, believe it or not, but gosh I have a long way to go to not be triggered. I too lie in bed many, many nights wondering why? why? why? Why can't my sons(s) function and go to work every day and have purpose and hope in their lives? It's exhausting. Sometimes when I'm around my sons (although not oldest for a while) it's as if I have blinders on and they become my focus over everything else including me. It's as if I must constantly be working on myself to not enable, not rescue, not fix and to give them over to God. I so easily can fall back in to old patterns. I wonder if I'll ever be fully recovered? CK - I've been divorced two years and I'm not really sure I'll ever meet someone again but I often wonder how can I ever "logically" explain all that's gone on with my sons over the last ten years and come out sounding like I'm sane to someone else. It makes me feel "broken" and I'm not sure someone else could really be part of my world. I also worry if "the way I've been affected" by all that's gone on makes me defective as a partner in some way. Plus, it would probably take me ten years to clearly explain everything that's happened. I wouldn't want to drag the relationship down by explaining but by the same token it's part of who I am now. It's part of my scars. [/QUOTE]
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