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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 704919" data-attributes="member: 15801"><p>Copa I relate to all you are saying. You are definitely not alone. We adopted our children as infants.... and I think adoption adds an issue for us mothers and that is the fear that our children will feel abandoned again and so we do not want to do anything that makes them feel that way.</p><p></p><p>I was a stay at home mom until my son was 12 and then I went back to work part time. Until then my self worth was very tied to my mothering. My son was seemingly a pretty happy child so I dont think I tied my self worth to his happiness but I did tie it to his behavior. And he has been getting in trouble since he was 3 years old. I think one of the things that helped me was having my daughter who is a very easy child. She taught me that much about a person is innate, it is nature, it is how they are wired.</p><p></p><p>Going back to work helped too... so that my whole job in life was not my children.... I was able to feel good about myself for something else.</p><p></p><p>We started having serious issues with my son when he was about 13. There are some things I wish we had understood earlier and done differently. I have to be careful not to focus on those things because it sends me into a spiral of self blame which doesn't help me at all.</p><p></p><p>At some point early on I made a conscious decision not to let my son ruin my life. It is also true that early on I was crazy with worry and totally obsessed with what he was doing and what was going on with him. I did everything I could to help him. </p><p></p><p>There was a time when I could not imagine being happy unless he was doing ok. My being just ok had to be enough because being happy wasn't even on the table. </p><p></p><p>I think one of the things that really helped me was finding a great alanon parents group. There I learned the you didn't cause it, you cant control it and you can't cure it. I took that to heart and stopped blaming myself. And I also learned the concept of detachment with love. Not the kind of detachment where you cut off contact... it has nothing to do with contact really.... but emotionally detaching yourself from the outcome. It helped me separate my happiness from his....I learned to build things in my life that I like that make me happy.</p><p></p><p>So for me I really started to enjoy my life, started being much better than just ok even when he was not doing great.</p><p></p><p>However there are limits... when he was on the streets in winter it was awful. It was hard not to worry all the time. I was barely ok. Now that he is home I am doing things I enjoy and things that make me happy and I really am ok... but I still have that constant reminder of him and how he is doing and it stays in the back of my mind. So I think for now my being ok with some happy moments has to be enough.</p><p></p><p>I agree a piece of us is tied to them. When they are miserable I think we do feel it, I dont see a way around that.... but I do think it is possible not to have that totally take over our lives and be our focus. Although I admit it takes a lot of work to do that. </p><p></p><p>Thinking of you this holiday.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 704919, member: 15801"] Copa I relate to all you are saying. You are definitely not alone. We adopted our children as infants.... and I think adoption adds an issue for us mothers and that is the fear that our children will feel abandoned again and so we do not want to do anything that makes them feel that way. I was a stay at home mom until my son was 12 and then I went back to work part time. Until then my self worth was very tied to my mothering. My son was seemingly a pretty happy child so I dont think I tied my self worth to his happiness but I did tie it to his behavior. And he has been getting in trouble since he was 3 years old. I think one of the things that helped me was having my daughter who is a very easy child. She taught me that much about a person is innate, it is nature, it is how they are wired. Going back to work helped too... so that my whole job in life was not my children.... I was able to feel good about myself for something else. We started having serious issues with my son when he was about 13. There are some things I wish we had understood earlier and done differently. I have to be careful not to focus on those things because it sends me into a spiral of self blame which doesn't help me at all. At some point early on I made a conscious decision not to let my son ruin my life. It is also true that early on I was crazy with worry and totally obsessed with what he was doing and what was going on with him. I did everything I could to help him. There was a time when I could not imagine being happy unless he was doing ok. My being just ok had to be enough because being happy wasn't even on the table. I think one of the things that really helped me was finding a great alanon parents group. There I learned the you didn't cause it, you cant control it and you can't cure it. I took that to heart and stopped blaming myself. And I also learned the concept of detachment with love. Not the kind of detachment where you cut off contact... it has nothing to do with contact really.... but emotionally detaching yourself from the outcome. It helped me separate my happiness from his....I learned to build things in my life that I like that make me happy. So for me I really started to enjoy my life, started being much better than just ok even when he was not doing great. However there are limits... when he was on the streets in winter it was awful. It was hard not to worry all the time. I was barely ok. Now that he is home I am doing things I enjoy and things that make me happy and I really am ok... but I still have that constant reminder of him and how he is doing and it stays in the back of my mind. So I think for now my being ok with some happy moments has to be enough. I agree a piece of us is tied to them. When they are miserable I think we do feel it, I dont see a way around that.... but I do think it is possible not to have that totally take over our lives and be our focus. Although I admit it takes a lot of work to do that. Thinking of you this holiday. [/QUOTE]
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