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Thoughts about forgiving myself and my son
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 753738" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear MissLulu</p><p></p><p>I could have written your post. I was at Costco today and in the slow moving line I struck up a conversation with a lady asking about the hash brown potatoes in her cart. She explained she had 3 adopted daughters from Eastern Europe who liked potato pancakes, and recommended the hash browns for this use. I saw two lovely teenage girls with her, each smiling sweetly, they did their mother proud. In talking to another grown up daughter accompanying her I learned the mother had 11 children! The mother was sunny, sweet, cheerful and normal. As were all the kids. I felt shame.</p><p></p><p>Those kids from Eastern Europe had to have suffered as much as did my son in the crisis nursery where I found him. Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently? When he was a child, or these past 10 years? What can I do now? (Tears come to my eyes.)</p><p></p><p>I have been on this forum 4 and a half years. I post almost every day. In the past I posted maybe 20 or more times a day, sometimes more. Now. Way less. </p><p></p><p>My struggle is different now. My son way more compliant. Less hostile. But not productive. Homeless. Unable to handle money in anything remotely within the normal range. No goals. Over and over again we get thrust into one crisis after crisis. Not so different from what you describe.</p><p></p><p>I have not one thing to offer in terms of wisdom. I will just say one thing. I love my son, as you love yours. I am trying to do two things that seem on the face of things, contradictory. The first is to accept. It is what it is. There is no other reality than the one right this second. I can try very, very hard to embrace this. Because this is all I have. I may never have more. I love my son. Period. I always have and I always will.</p><p></p><p>The second thing I am trying to do is this: I am trying to define my life in a powerful way, from me, not him. His business is him. My business is me. I am trying to get back to the me that is separate from him. The service I have given others. The self-made person I am, who is accomplished and ethical and caring, and has so much more to give in life. The fun and adventure I've had and can still have. The love I can give. </p><p></p><p>This is who we are. Women who love our children. Women who have set high bars in life and still do. The judgement, the self-criticism, have no place here in our stories. This is the ego talking. We aren't our egos. This voice that only knows to define, to limit, to compare. We are so much more. Life is so much more.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 753738, member: 18958"] Dear MissLulu I could have written your post. I was at Costco today and in the slow moving line I struck up a conversation with a lady asking about the hash brown potatoes in her cart. She explained she had 3 adopted daughters from Eastern Europe who liked potato pancakes, and recommended the hash browns for this use. I saw two lovely teenage girls with her, each smiling sweetly, they did their mother proud. In talking to another grown up daughter accompanying her I learned the mother had 11 children! The mother was sunny, sweet, cheerful and normal. As were all the kids. I felt shame. Those kids from Eastern Europe had to have suffered as much as did my son in the crisis nursery where I found him. Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently? When he was a child, or these past 10 years? What can I do now? (Tears come to my eyes.) I have been on this forum 4 and a half years. I post almost every day. In the past I posted maybe 20 or more times a day, sometimes more. Now. Way less. My struggle is different now. My son way more compliant. Less hostile. But not productive. Homeless. Unable to handle money in anything remotely within the normal range. No goals. Over and over again we get thrust into one crisis after crisis. Not so different from what you describe. I have not one thing to offer in terms of wisdom. I will just say one thing. I love my son, as you love yours. I am trying to do two things that seem on the face of things, contradictory. The first is to accept. It is what it is. There is no other reality than the one right this second. I can try very, very hard to embrace this. Because this is all I have. I may never have more. I love my son. Period. I always have and I always will. The second thing I am trying to do is this: I am trying to define my life in a powerful way, from me, not him. His business is him. My business is me. I am trying to get back to the me that is separate from him. The service I have given others. The self-made person I am, who is accomplished and ethical and caring, and has so much more to give in life. The fun and adventure I've had and can still have. The love I can give. This is who we are. Women who love our children. Women who have set high bars in life and still do. The judgement, the self-criticism, have no place here in our stories. This is the ego talking. We aren't our egos. This voice that only knows to define, to limit, to compare. We are so much more. Life is so much more. [/QUOTE]
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