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Thoughts about forgiving myself and my son
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 753741" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>From what I have learned of acceptance, it is not as complicated as some make it out to be. It is not about the past or future or what we may have done differently, which I have come to believe would not have changed anything at least for us. We are not born blank slates.</p><p></p><p>All of us are born with a certain resiliency or not. Like you, two of my kids are very resilient and one is not. Back to acceptance. Tara Beach has a great book called Radical Acceptance. Please give it a try? </p><p></p><p>Acceptance from what I understand is about living in the MOMENT. It is acceptance of what is NOW. It isn't about accepting any moment other than now. The breeze in your hair. The blue sky with fluffy clouds. The distant smell of donuts and coffee. The joy of the senses in the now.</p><p></p><p>And it is about letting judgment float away on a cloud...judgment of ourselves and of others and . of circumstances. Things are as they are because of a cumulation of Everything Up Until Now. NOW changes each moment. Enjoy each moment. Accept each moment.</p><p></p><p>Mindfulness (many books on this) and Acceptance are closely related. I study both and have been doing so much better. Not perfect but much I am happier. More content.</p><p></p><p>Going on, I also feel a need to share this.</p><p></p><p> It is a true story; a chilling TV documentary I should not have watched last night. It was about a very nice man and involved father of three who told the harrowing true story of his son Alec. Handsome boy.</p><p></p><p>Alec was always difficult but his father walked with him every step of his rocky childhood trying to help him. He had a loving mother and grandparents too. No trauma. But the boy was never right. Never settled. Angry. Defiant. Troubled.</p><p></p><p>In his teens his dad thought he was getting sadder or more remote but his son would not talk about it. He had few friends but did hang with a nice boy named Kevin. Kevin was respectful and polite. They were together often.</p><p></p><p>One night Alec slept over at his house.</p><p></p><p>That night Alec stabbed Kevin and his parents to death. Nobody suspected him but he ended up having a nervous breakdown and told his father while he was in a hospital. His father didn't want to turn him in but in the end he did. It was tempting for Dad just to take his son and leave the country. In the end, he turned him in.</p><p></p><p>Alec went to jail and was convicted of three lifetimes of incarceration. Alec could not tell anyone why he did it other than he tried to fight the darkness but could not. He said Kevin had annoyed him lately. Nothing more.</p><p></p><p>Alec was put on psychiatric medication in prison but he killed himself. His father wrote a book about how to move on after dire times.</p><p></p><p>The father and his wife had divorced and he is remarried and tries to help others. He has a relationship with Drew, his younger son, but his daughter blames him and won't talk to him.</p><p></p><p>Did this seemingly kind man who tries to help others deserve this type of son? Did he do something wrong? I don't think so. His son was never right. But he could never have imagined this.</p><p></p><p>If we don't blame other people and if we have other thriving kids, why do we blame ourselves? Everyone is made of different DNA which causes us to experience life in different ways.</p><p></p><p>Why are you ashamed? I get it. I was too. But I no longer think there was anything I could have done to change Kay. She was born sensitive and with low resilience to life. And she has little empathy. Some people seem born without the capacity to care. Others become cold and unable to love due to life experiences or mental illness or addiction. It is about them, not us. But, yes, it hurts.</p><p></p><p>Sorry for rambling. Perhaps read the book Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. People misunderstand acceptance and it is a powerful tool.</p><p></p><p>Many prayers.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 753741, member: 23706"] From what I have learned of acceptance, it is not as complicated as some make it out to be. It is not about the past or future or what we may have done differently, which I have come to believe would not have changed anything at least for us. We are not born blank slates. All of us are born with a certain resiliency or not. Like you, two of my kids are very resilient and one is not. Back to acceptance. Tara Beach has a great book called Radical Acceptance. Please give it a try? Acceptance from what I understand is about living in the MOMENT. It is acceptance of what is NOW. It isn't about accepting any moment other than now. The breeze in your hair. The blue sky with fluffy clouds. The distant smell of donuts and coffee. The joy of the senses in the now. And it is about letting judgment float away on a cloud...judgment of ourselves and of others and . of circumstances. Things are as they are because of a cumulation of Everything Up Until Now. NOW changes each moment. Enjoy each moment. Accept each moment. Mindfulness (many books on this) and Acceptance are closely related. I study both and have been doing so much better. Not perfect but much I am happier. More content. Going on, I also feel a need to share this. It is a true story; a chilling TV documentary I should not have watched last night. It was about a very nice man and involved father of three who told the harrowing true story of his son Alec. Handsome boy. Alec was always difficult but his father walked with him every step of his rocky childhood trying to help him. He had a loving mother and grandparents too. No trauma. But the boy was never right. Never settled. Angry. Defiant. Troubled. In his teens his dad thought he was getting sadder or more remote but his son would not talk about it. He had few friends but did hang with a nice boy named Kevin. Kevin was respectful and polite. They were together often. One night Alec slept over at his house. That night Alec stabbed Kevin and his parents to death. Nobody suspected him but he ended up having a nervous breakdown and told his father while he was in a hospital. His father didn't want to turn him in but in the end he did. It was tempting for Dad just to take his son and leave the country. In the end, he turned him in. Alec went to jail and was convicted of three lifetimes of incarceration. Alec could not tell anyone why he did it other than he tried to fight the darkness but could not. He said Kevin had annoyed him lately. Nothing more. Alec was put on psychiatric medication in prison but he killed himself. His father wrote a book about how to move on after dire times. The father and his wife had divorced and he is remarried and tries to help others. He has a relationship with Drew, his younger son, but his daughter blames him and won't talk to him. Did this seemingly kind man who tries to help others deserve this type of son? Did he do something wrong? I don't think so. His son was never right. But he could never have imagined this. If we don't blame other people and if we have other thriving kids, why do we blame ourselves? Everyone is made of different DNA which causes us to experience life in different ways. Why are you ashamed? I get it. I was too. But I no longer think there was anything I could have done to change Kay. She was born sensitive and with low resilience to life. And she has little empathy. Some people seem born without the capacity to care. Others become cold and unable to love due to life experiences or mental illness or addiction. It is about them, not us. But, yes, it hurts. Sorry for rambling. Perhaps read the book Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. People misunderstand acceptance and it is a powerful tool. Many prayers. [/QUOTE]
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