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Thoughts about forgiving myself and my son
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<blockquote data-quote="WiseChoices" data-source="post: 753803" data-attributes="member: 24254"><p>(((((MissLuLu)))))</p><p>First, hugs to you. I related to your post. Your pain is palpable. </p><p></p><p>I learned in Al-Anon that feelings are not facts. </p><p></p><p>I spent years being beaten down by my feelings of (misplaced) guilt and shame. It never did anything for me but erode my self esteem even further. It did not change my kids. It did not make me a better person. It did not help me to change. </p><p></p><p>When I let go of the guilt and shame througj the 12 steps in Al-Anon, my life started to shift. I understand now that I did the best i could do with the tools I had at the time. When I accept that, I have a platform from which to grow and change. I can accumulate new and better tools. Guilt and shame freeze me into place and render me ineffective in my own life. </p><p></p><p>Once in a while, I return back to those old feelings. But I know they are not true. I carry a lot of shame that is not mine to begin with. Shame I took on from my abusers, my family of origin. By releasing my resentment, forgiving everyone, I take my power back. I leave the shame where it belongs .</p><p></p><p>My kids are also doing the best they can do right now with the tools they have. And I can "help" by modeling what it looks like to be an adult with my current understanding of what that means (reading a good book called "How to be an adult - a handbook on psychological and spiritual integration" by David Richo) :caring/tending for/to myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I find that when I do that, I have less time to focus on others. I exercise daily, eat well, get enough sleep/rest .I go to doctor's appointments, teeth cleanings, use lovely smelling lotions and aromatherapy on my body .I process my emotions to the best of my ability, I go to Al-Anon meetings, I call my sponsor, I call friends, I share here, I journal. I allow my feelings more and more and no longer use coping mechanisms so much to make the feelings go away. And spiritually, I pray and meditate pretty much daily and try to maintain conscious contact with my Higher Power throughout the day. I attend Unity on Sundays to get spiritual nourishment. I read Al-Anon literature daily. I only have control over my thoughts which result in my feelings which result in action I take. The thoughts , feelings , and actions of others are none of my business. I seek to create a bubble for myself, an insulation in which I can stay safe and content no matter what wars rage outside of me. I also have a small(er) amount of control over my immediate environment. It helps my depression and anxiety to have a clean, orderly environment and so I follow the FlyLady program to keep my surroundings nice for me. </p><p></p><p>I do this for me. But what it might teach my kids is how to take care of themselves. I can only role model to them what I think being an adult looks like. They may emulate some of it, they may not. But I am doing my part when I am the best version of me today with what I have got. I will continue to learn, study and strive forward. </p><p></p><p>Please be good to yourself. Kindness and being gentle with ourselves does not come easy to Mother's like us. But we can slowly and patiently move towards self love and s realization that we are all spiritual beings having a human experience. I have a spark of the divine flowing through me and what a miracle is it that I am here? When I live with that sense of gratitude and inner knowing , I can be on a mission to spread G_d's love to all I come in contact with but only giving that which overflows out of my own cup after l have tended to myself and filled my cup. </p><p></p><p>Blessings and love to you. Peace !</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WiseChoices, post: 753803, member: 24254"] (((((MissLuLu))))) First, hugs to you. I related to your post. Your pain is palpable. I learned in Al-Anon that feelings are not facts. I spent years being beaten down by my feelings of (misplaced) guilt and shame. It never did anything for me but erode my self esteem even further. It did not change my kids. It did not make me a better person. It did not help me to change. When I let go of the guilt and shame througj the 12 steps in Al-Anon, my life started to shift. I understand now that I did the best i could do with the tools I had at the time. When I accept that, I have a platform from which to grow and change. I can accumulate new and better tools. Guilt and shame freeze me into place and render me ineffective in my own life. Once in a while, I return back to those old feelings. But I know they are not true. I carry a lot of shame that is not mine to begin with. Shame I took on from my abusers, my family of origin. By releasing my resentment, forgiving everyone, I take my power back. I leave the shame where it belongs . My kids are also doing the best they can do right now with the tools they have. And I can "help" by modeling what it looks like to be an adult with my current understanding of what that means (reading a good book called "How to be an adult - a handbook on psychological and spiritual integration" by David Richo) :caring/tending for/to myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I find that when I do that, I have less time to focus on others. I exercise daily, eat well, get enough sleep/rest .I go to doctor's appointments, teeth cleanings, use lovely smelling lotions and aromatherapy on my body .I process my emotions to the best of my ability, I go to Al-Anon meetings, I call my sponsor, I call friends, I share here, I journal. I allow my feelings more and more and no longer use coping mechanisms so much to make the feelings go away. And spiritually, I pray and meditate pretty much daily and try to maintain conscious contact with my Higher Power throughout the day. I attend Unity on Sundays to get spiritual nourishment. I read Al-Anon literature daily. I only have control over my thoughts which result in my feelings which result in action I take. The thoughts , feelings , and actions of others are none of my business. I seek to create a bubble for myself, an insulation in which I can stay safe and content no matter what wars rage outside of me. I also have a small(er) amount of control over my immediate environment. It helps my depression and anxiety to have a clean, orderly environment and so I follow the FlyLady program to keep my surroundings nice for me. I do this for me. But what it might teach my kids is how to take care of themselves. I can only role model to them what I think being an adult looks like. They may emulate some of it, they may not. But I am doing my part when I am the best version of me today with what I have got. I will continue to learn, study and strive forward. Please be good to yourself. Kindness and being gentle with ourselves does not come easy to Mother's like us. But we can slowly and patiently move towards self love and s realization that we are all spiritual beings having a human experience. I have a spark of the divine flowing through me and what a miracle is it that I am here? When I live with that sense of gratitude and inner knowing , I can be on a mission to spread G_d's love to all I come in contact with but only giving that which overflows out of my own cup after l have tended to myself and filled my cup. Blessings and love to you. Peace ! [/QUOTE]
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