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Parent Emeritus
Three girls of my own and a homeless teen
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 752806" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I don't see the issue as this girl, although I don't understand how it got to this point, where your consent to such a serious responsibility does not seem to be part of the family conversation. </p><p></p><p>Actually, I lied. I do understand. When I lived with M he wanted to bring his dying father to my home, and he believed I had no right to say no, because he had helped me with my mother when she was ill and dying. And I agreed with him. I believed that I was obligated to reciprocate, even though with my mother it had almost killed me. G-d protected me. The father thank goodness, said no, because he liked his daughter's cooking better. Then the second time M presumed to bring home his father, I said NO. He was pissed but I had grown.</p><p></p><p>You deserve a full voice in your home, as do I. With your kids, with your husband and most importantly to listen to your own needs. We need to have a voice that we listen to.</p><p></p><p><em>I’ve been expressing to him over the last two weeks the things that are bothering me with her and to “have my back”. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p>It's hard to know what is the basic issue here because you have not ruled out the possibility that you like me don't stick up for yourself. It may be that your husband is selfish and indifferent. But it may be that you are playing a role in the family that Jaypee describes. Your role in the family may be to stifle, ignore, overlook and minimize your own needs, wants, and voice. This could be habitual and/or unconscious on your part. If this is the case you, like your husband, are acting out parts in a family system. It is nobody's fault but it's everybody's responsibility. </p><p></p><p>If you went along with the program letting the girl move in without checking in with yourself to see if you could handle it, and the family and home had resources, space and flexibility to handle another person...one with problems...it sounds like this was a symptom of the whole problem. Instead accepting her has led to a crisis. It's not to late to begin to develop a family communication process, which will serve everybody.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 752806, member: 18958"] I don't see the issue as this girl, although I don't understand how it got to this point, where your consent to such a serious responsibility does not seem to be part of the family conversation. Actually, I lied. I do understand. When I lived with M he wanted to bring his dying father to my home, and he believed I had no right to say no, because he had helped me with my mother when she was ill and dying. And I agreed with him. I believed that I was obligated to reciprocate, even though with my mother it had almost killed me. G-d protected me. The father thank goodness, said no, because he liked his daughter's cooking better. Then the second time M presumed to bring home his father, I said NO. He was pissed but I had grown. You deserve a full voice in your home, as do I. With your kids, with your husband and most importantly to listen to your own needs. We need to have a voice that we listen to. [I]I’ve been expressing to him over the last two weeks the things that are bothering me with her and to “have my back”. [/I] It's hard to know what is the basic issue here because you have not ruled out the possibility that you like me don't stick up for yourself. It may be that your husband is selfish and indifferent. But it may be that you are playing a role in the family that Jaypee describes. Your role in the family may be to stifle, ignore, overlook and minimize your own needs, wants, and voice. This could be habitual and/or unconscious on your part. If this is the case you, like your husband, are acting out parts in a family system. It is nobody's fault but it's everybody's responsibility. If you went along with the program letting the girl move in without checking in with yourself to see if you could handle it, and the family and home had resources, space and flexibility to handle another person...one with problems...it sounds like this was a symptom of the whole problem. Instead accepting her has led to a crisis. It's not to late to begin to develop a family communication process, which will serve everybody. [/QUOTE]
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