Three years since we’ve seen her

[LeaMac]

It’s been three years since we last saw our daughter, who is now 31. That was right before Christmas, right before she sent herself to rehab for the second time. We didn’t visit her that time, and when she got out she moved in with a new boyfriend about an hour away from us. We told her we needed to see evidence of responsible living for a year, and then we could work on renewing our relationship. ( How you do that with a child who has been lying, cheating and stealing from us for 15 years I do not know. Before the second stint at rehab she broke into our house twice. I know we should have called the police, but we didn’t. We have a security system now, but we both still freeze when we hear a car slow down on the street, or a door slam outside. )

As far as we can tell, there’s been no change in her approach to life. She and the boyfriend had a baby which was removed from their custody at the hospital due to I guess evidence of drug use and outstanding warrants. Then they broke up and according to our daughter she is now working, paying rent and has partial custody of the baby (?).

Over these three years the money requests have been relentless, and now always with her claims that she is working hard to get back on track. Hard to know the truth. We block her number, but she always gets a new one. She won’t give us her address, and continues to use ours for though we have told her more than once that this is illegal ( like for her drivers license.) Her recent picture on FB looks terrible- like a user, as does the picture of her new boyfriend, who has already sent my husband a Paypal request!!

Despite all she has done, we worry for her, and I feel so guilty that I haven’t seen my only child in three years. I tried to just have daily chatty texts with her to show love and support, but they simply increased her demands for money. We refuse to give her any more or buy another car or pay any rent. We know that we enabled her far too long. Apart from this ongoing heartache, my husband and I have a good life, and I feel guilty about having comforts that she lacks, and enjoying myself when I know she must be struggling. But the reality is, I’m afraid to try to see her and opening up the boundaries that we have in place.

Any thoughts from you who have been there would be appreciated.

 

[lovemysons]

Hi LeaMac,

I have not been a very good example of one who has boundaries that need to be respected…in fact I spent and have recently spent SO much time trying to save my sons and keep the relationship that it once cost me my sanity! Was hospitalized in 2007 after a psychotic breakdown …no doubt my sons behaviors, drug problems, prison stints etc contributed to this. I have tried SO hard to no avail.
My oldest son got sober almost 3 years ago on his own... without my help. My younger son is homeless once again and is a seemingly hopeless drug addict!

The problem for us, as I see it, is that absence really does make the heart grow fonder…but does that mean anything has changed?
Are they still trying to manipulate us for their own self-destruction?
Do they want a healthy relationship with us or simply a hand out?
It’s a difficult place for a mama...especially around the holidays when we dream of being in the room with a big happy family.

I understand your heartache. These adult children of ours don’t make it easy, or for that matter even possible, for us to love them they way that we want to.

Hugs,
LMS

 

[LeaMac]

Thanks, Hugs. It helps so much to share these feelings with someone who understands. I don’t share things anymore with my friends- there is little they can say. I know they are sorry for me, and they are also busy enjoying their healthy adult children and growing grandkids. It’s hard to listen to their happy recitals of cute FaceTimes with the young families or what they’re planning to get everyone for Christmas, etc, etc.

You’re right- it is impossible to have the loving relationship we’d like to have.

 

[overcome mom]

I am where you are. I know I have enabled my son. He is not living with us for many reasons. He is now homeless and living in his car which he says breaks down all the time. Since he got out of rehab after being in jail he has been pretty respectful to us but still continues to ask for money, which I give him on occasion. I would say it is better to keep with the texting communication. For me, once I see him a lot of my resolve goes out the window. This results in me or my husband either giving him money we shouldn't or getting into with him about what he "should" be doing.
I too feel guilty about having a big house, a camper and a cabin all that he could stay in if he was just responsible person. We have so much materially I have to keep reminding myself he just will damage it and what I give materially will not change his problems. It is ALWAYS something, always a crisis. Today, Thanksgiving, he was suppose to come over at 3. Called at 2 says he is on his way 2:30 he says an hour out,2:40 calls says he has a nail in his tire going to get it fixed and be late. At 8:20 pm I text him he calls and says he got beat up for "no reason" and can't make it, very apologetic.
It is so much better to keep your distance if you can. Your daughter doesn't appear to have changed, you seeing her is only going to make you and your husbands feel terrible about something you can do nothing about.

 

[LeaMac]

I appreciate you sharing your thoughts- this is such a lonely position to be in. We have such similar stories, and my daughter is also adopted. You named one of my big fears about seeing her- that it would make me feel terrible and change nothing about her situation.

I wonder how I will know when/if she has truly turned things around. Two years ago this fall, she sent a long email saying she wanted us to have a better relationship, meet for lunch, she wanted to be allowed to visit us. I told her we would like that. About two weeks later, before we had acted on that, I had a call from Children and Youth. They asked if I knew that my daughter had given birth over the weekend, and that the child was in their custody. ( We hadnt even known she was pregnant - she didn’t mention that in the email.)

Maybe she did genuinely want to renew our relationship, but for what reason? And certainly her life was not back on track - pregnant, still using, unemployed.

Your Thanksgiving situation sounds like things our daughter did before we realized she was using. We chalked it up to the bipolar, cautioned her to stay on her medications, etc.

Sometimes I think about renting an apartment for her, or buying her a trailer, but I have read on this site that that can simply enable continued drug use. And, like you said about your son, she isn’t responsible enough to take care of an apartment or residence. After her first stint in rehab, after she got a job, we helped her get back on her feet by paying rent on a room for the first three months, with the expectation, of course, that she would then take that on. She left the place abruptly after only two months and moved in with a freind (another situation that didn’t last). The landlady called me to say the dresser in the room was ruined and the room was trashed. We paid her for the repairs.

And on it goes. The last I heard from her, about three weeks ago, she is on probation for criminal trespass. And of course, could we just send her $250? She needed it by midnight. A year ago we would have sent it, hoping desperately that it was paying for food or rent or heat. But this time, we hardened our hearts and blocked our phones.

I wish you luck with your son, and hope he turns things around. Thanks again for the advice. As you know, it helps so much.

 

[lovemysons]

Hi LeaMac,
How are you doing? Have you heard from your daughter lately?

I think you are right to not rent an apt for her or buy her a trailer etc. Sounds like you have already learned that the consequences seem to always fall on us unless we are out of the way.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about allowing our adult children to learn the hard way...of course it isn’t what we want. It goes against the grain of every motherly instinct we have. And yet...maybe this is the ONLY way children like ours can survive and thrive in this world.

My dear husband and I have tried SO hard, for close to 20 years, to save our sons! One got sober 3 years ago on his own, the other is still stuck. I think I am learning for the first time... like my dear friend Esther from the board recently told me, we can’t live their lives for them forever. At some point, they have to want their lives to improve through sobriety and hard work, more than we do.
So we wait. And hope. And pray.
lms

 

[Copabanana]

I am in the same place as the rest of you. Boundaries are the best thing that ever happened to me. I lost it too, about 2.5 years ago. I can't write it here, what happened, but I dissociated. The ongoing stress for year after year had been too much. My son pushed his way in through my back door, and it was so triggering, I lost connection to reality until M spoke to me. It was at that point that I had to change. I realized that my life had value too. I had to consider myself. And I did. And I realized I had not helped my son tolerating so much.

I have the same ongoing problems with using my address. Because with that, he puts responsibility onto me, that should be his.

I don't see room for guilt from what you describe. She forced you into this defensive position by her relentless predatory and abusive and criminal behavior. What kind of decent parent would allow their child to repeatedly prey on them? You can't. You did the only loving and responsible thing, as I see it.

My adopted son is mentally ill, on SSI. Covid is rampant in my state. He will be without a place to live in a week. I am weakening. I have told him he needs to find a place to live; that there is a curfew and no place to go inside like fast food or restaurants or any other place to get in out of the cold. And I believe they are picking up homeless people. I am not even sure that shelters are open. I don't think this is the time for me to be rigid. But I am afraid just like the rest of you. My son never ever lied. Now he lies to me like a rug. He asked to come on Thanksgiving, and it was planned that he arrive on Wednesday nite. At 930, I called. J, are you here? He changed his mind and didn't bother to call and to let me know.

What I am trying to say here is that there is no right thing to do. Not 100 percent. To my way of thinking you are doing the right thing by her and for yourselves. But in your heart you feel wrong. All of us so feel for you. And understand 1000 percent.

 

[LeaMac]

Hi LeaMac,
How are you doing? Have you heard from your daughter lately?

I think you are right to not rent an apt for her or buy her a trailer etc. Sounds like you have already learned that the consequences seem to always fall on us unless we are out of the way.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about allowing our adult children to learn the hard way...of course it isn’t what we want. It goes against the grain of every motherly instinct we have. And yet...maybe this is the ONLY way children like ours can survive and thrive in this world.

My dear husband and I have tried SO hard, for close to 20 years, to save our sons! One got sober 3 years ago on his own, the other is still stuck. I think I am learning for the first time... like my dear friend Esther from the board recently told me, we can’t live their lives for them forever. At some point, they have to want their lives to improve through sobriety and hard work, more than we do.
So we wait. And hope. And pray.
lms

Thanks for checking in. We haven’t heard from her since before Thanksgiving, the longest stretch in a long time. It’s so nice to not be badgered on a regular basis for money. Of course it makes my imagination work overtime- could this possibly mean she is taking steps towards a more responsible life? Or maybe she’s in prison.... Always in the back of my mind, along with constant judging of my past actions as a parent. Bottom line- I am much less stressed when we don’t hear from her. Sad but true.

 

[LeaMac]

I am in the same place as the rest of you. Boundaries are the best thing that ever happened to me. I lost it too, about 2.5 years ago. I can't write it here, what happened, but I dissociated. The ongoing stress for year after year had been too much. My son pushed his way in through my back door, and it was so triggering, I lost connection to reality until M spoke to me. It was at that point that I had to change. I realized that my life had value too. I had to consider myself. And I did. And I realized I had not helped my son tolerating so much.

I have the same ongoing problems with using my address. Because with that, he puts responsibility onto me, that should be his.

I don't see room for guilt from what you describe. She forced you into this defensive position by her relentless predatory and abusive and criminal behavior. What kind of decent parent would allow their child to repeatedly prey on them? You can't. You did the only loving and responsible thing, as I see it.

My adopted son is mentally ill, on SSI. Covid is rampant in my state. He will be without a place to live in a week. I am weakening. I have told him he needs to find a place to live; that there is a curfew and no place to go inside like fast food or restaurants or any other place to get in out of the cold. And I believe they are picking up homeless people. I am not even sure that shelters are open. I don't think this is the time for me to be rigid. But I am afraid just like the rest of you. My son never ever lied. Now he lies to me like a rug. He asked to come on Thanksgiving, and it was planned that he arrive on Wednesday nite. At 930, I called. J, are you here? He changed his mind and didn't bother to call and to let me know.

What I am trying to say here is that there is no right thing to do. Not 100 percent. To my way of thinking you are doing the right thing by her and for yourselves. But in your heart you feel wrong. All of us so feel for you. And understand 1000 percent.

Thanks, Copa. When I hear your words “ what kind of decent parent...” it has much more impact than when I say it to myself. I can see that we have been through similar episodes with our children. I too worry about covid and how it is affecting her life, but no way would I let her live here again. I would not even let her through the door at this point. When I see her again, and who knows when that will ever be, it will have to be in some safe neutral spot. Thanks again, for your comments, and good luck with your son. I feel your worries to the bone.

 

[lovemysons]

Hi LeaMac,
Just wanted to reach out to you and tell you I honestly believe there isn’t a parent on this site who doesn’t live with a few regrets as far as parenting decisions go. Myself included. Maybe it was what seemed like one spanking too many or too many “Time Outs” spent in the corner. My mom used to say the corner was the only thing my sons were going to remember about their child hoods. But I never slapped them and bloodied their nose like my mom did to me when I was young. I thought what I was doing was a step up!

We can’t go back. We only have today and we all (I firmly believe) did the best we could at the time...my mom included.
Also...realize too that your daughter was likely a difficult child from birth. I know my sons were. My daughter got exactly one spanking her whole life...She just wasn’t difficult.

Try and let go of the things you can’t control. Your daughter may have work to do on herself and things to sort out if she wants to be a survivor vs a victim in this life. We all get a choice regarding this.

I today, see a counselor, not just about my sons and the “war-time” teen years that our family endured but also to help me cope with a mother who is not always very “motherly”. She keeps me at a distance. She viewed me as an Only child spoiled brat growing up. Little did any of us know, I have Bipolar Disorder and didn’t find out till I was 40 years old and going manic.

Remember...a bad moment in your life does not and should not define you.
I am sure you have been an awesome and loving parent most of the time.
In fact...You came to this Forum because you love your daughter.

If you do find that you are hurting too much about the past...you might want to see a counselor to help you let go of guilt.

hugs,
lms

 

[lovemysons]

Good morning LeaMac,

I felt I needed to clarify myself. The distance that my mom puts between she and I is not because I am a threat to her in any way. No lying, cheating, or stealing like your daughters situation. It is because I tend to be codependent and a much needier person than she is...we are total opposites. She values her independence and I value caring for family.

But here’s the thing...I am not going to change my mother. I am the one that must do the work to better cope with our relationship.
And so it goes...In my opinion, it is our children who need to work on themselves.

I so hope that your daughter is seeking help for herself right now.
Maybe that’s why you haven’t heard from her lately.

lms