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<blockquote data-quote="GoingNorth" data-source="post: 757114" data-attributes="member: 1963"><p>I'm not trying to shame anyone, and yanno what?, as that person who has been that depressed, I am NOT saying you, as parents, are in any way obligated to care for your daughters/ sons, take them in, manage their lives for them, or financially support them.</p><p></p><p>First of all, you have to, at some point, put your own health and sanity first, and your other relationships first as well.</p><p></p><p>Second of all. It doesn't work.</p><p></p><p>Do I have children? No. I AM that difficult child. And my parents tried many of the things you parents have/are trying.</p><p></p><p>My intent was not to say that you should "take care of your daughter because she was "helpless", but rather to explain the realities of that kind of depression, e.g. love her even if she stinks.</p><p></p><p>You simply can't fix this for her. She has to fix this for herself, and at some point, you may have to do a lot of uh=huh,uh-huh, I understand, and finally may have to say,"Hon, I'm not a professional, I love and care for you, but I can't help you in the way you need to be helped. Not with this. There are resources that can help you. Do you want me to help you find some?"</p><p></p><p>That's what my mother finally did when I self destructed in my early 40s. Initially, I took it as a rejection and was angry and distraught, but she was right. She couldn't help me. And from out of state,my mother, who couldn't use a modern computer, came up with ideas on where to find help.</p><p></p><p>Here's the thing...It was my choice as to whether to use the resources my mother found for me.</p><p></p><p>She also told me that if I mentioned the word suicide, she'd call 911 in my town. She did, too...a couple of times.</p><p></p><p>If I made anyone feel shamed I apologize, I was just trying to explain things from inside a major depressive episode.</p><p></p><p>I agree that at a point, you have to let go. Either as a matter of saving yourself and your relationships. Give it over to whatever/whomever you believe in if you have a faith/diety, cast them to the universe and hope for the best, but don't go down with them.</p><p></p><p>There are other people who need you just as much. You need you, and your are worth the same care,love, and consideration/respect as anyone else.</p><p></p><p>Yes, it'll tear you to shreds, they're your children, your flesh and blood, and I can't tell you how to deal with that pain, because, as some have pointed out, I don't have children. </p><p></p><p>It doesn't mean disown your children or stop loving them. It means protect yourselves so you don't get sucked dry to the point where you scatter to dust, where your relationships scatter to dust. You can't help anyone, even yourself, if t here is nothing left of you but a dry, burnt out husk.</p><p></p><p>But, I do know that your lives have value and meaning, too, and I hate to see you suffer on and on, with guilt and fear, when you did everything you could and can, and nothing changes and there's nothing you can do that helps.</p><p></p><p>I do care about you folks, you're mothers and fathers, not doctors who can say, "We've done all we can, Call it",and pull the sheet up over the face, cry in the hallway for a minute or two, and go on to the next patient. Your "patient" is your child, and the grief goes on forever, and the guilt, and it eats you up inside.</p><p></p><p>I know a bit about Christianity due to my history studies, and quite a bit about Judaism due to growing up in the religion/culture.</p><p></p><p>I am not myself a believer, but I believe, that the God of the believers basically wants his people to be happy and content. Unfortunately, he also expects them to take care of getting there on their own. He also doesn't seem to make it easy for his believers, harder for some than for others. </p><p></p><p>I do NOT believe that the God of believers sends suffering as punishment or uses it as a teaching tool. Bad things happen to good people, and good people get sick. Life is pretty darned random. </p><p></p><p>TL<img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite8" alt=":D" title="Big Grin :D" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":D" />R, I apologize if I made anyone feel that they were being shamed. You are good parents, and while I don't have children, I was that difficult child: mental illness, bad crown, drug abuse, all of that, and a horrible relationship with my parents. I know, after reconciliation, and a lot of honest talk, what my parents went through, and my mother's feelings during that period. She also knows how I felt during that time period. In our case, it was nature, genetics, and we both screwed up on a few occasions. We're all human here. Even me, a pedantic, unintentionally harsh (and long-winded) human. Do what can, do your best, but don't forget yourselves in this battle.</p><p></p><p>Be well all, and ride in peace. May the pain that you suffer ease, and may you become comfortable and content in your hearts and minds/souls. I wish the same for the children that have brought you here.</p><p></p><p></p><p>GN out.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="GoingNorth, post: 757114, member: 1963"] I'm not trying to shame anyone, and yanno what?, as that person who has been that depressed, I am NOT saying you, as parents, are in any way obligated to care for your daughters/ sons, take them in, manage their lives for them, or financially support them. First of all, you have to, at some point, put your own health and sanity first, and your other relationships first as well. Second of all. It doesn't work. Do I have children? No. I AM that difficult child. And my parents tried many of the things you parents have/are trying. My intent was not to say that you should "take care of your daughter because she was "helpless", but rather to explain the realities of that kind of depression, e.g. love her even if she stinks. You simply can't fix this for her. She has to fix this for herself, and at some point, you may have to do a lot of uh=huh,uh-huh, I understand, and finally may have to say,"Hon, I'm not a professional, I love and care for you, but I can't help you in the way you need to be helped. Not with this. There are resources that can help you. Do you want me to help you find some?" That's what my mother finally did when I self destructed in my early 40s. Initially, I took it as a rejection and was angry and distraught, but she was right. She couldn't help me. And from out of state,my mother, who couldn't use a modern computer, came up with ideas on where to find help. Here's the thing...It was my choice as to whether to use the resources my mother found for me. She also told me that if I mentioned the word suicide, she'd call 911 in my town. She did, too...a couple of times. If I made anyone feel shamed I apologize, I was just trying to explain things from inside a major depressive episode. I agree that at a point, you have to let go. Either as a matter of saving yourself and your relationships. Give it over to whatever/whomever you believe in if you have a faith/diety, cast them to the universe and hope for the best, but don't go down with them. There are other people who need you just as much. You need you, and your are worth the same care,love, and consideration/respect as anyone else. Yes, it'll tear you to shreds, they're your children, your flesh and blood, and I can't tell you how to deal with that pain, because, as some have pointed out, I don't have children. It doesn't mean disown your children or stop loving them. It means protect yourselves so you don't get sucked dry to the point where you scatter to dust, where your relationships scatter to dust. You can't help anyone, even yourself, if t here is nothing left of you but a dry, burnt out husk. But, I do know that your lives have value and meaning, too, and I hate to see you suffer on and on, with guilt and fear, when you did everything you could and can, and nothing changes and there's nothing you can do that helps. I do care about you folks, you're mothers and fathers, not doctors who can say, "We've done all we can, Call it",and pull the sheet up over the face, cry in the hallway for a minute or two, and go on to the next patient. Your "patient" is your child, and the grief goes on forever, and the guilt, and it eats you up inside. I know a bit about Christianity due to my history studies, and quite a bit about Judaism due to growing up in the religion/culture. I am not myself a believer, but I believe, that the God of the believers basically wants his people to be happy and content. Unfortunately, he also expects them to take care of getting there on their own. He also doesn't seem to make it easy for his believers, harder for some than for others. I do NOT believe that the God of believers sends suffering as punishment or uses it as a teaching tool. Bad things happen to good people, and good people get sick. Life is pretty darned random. TL:DR, I apologize if I made anyone feel that they were being shamed. You are good parents, and while I don't have children, I was that difficult child: mental illness, bad crown, drug abuse, all of that, and a horrible relationship with my parents. I know, after reconciliation, and a lot of honest talk, what my parents went through, and my mother's feelings during that period. She also knows how I felt during that time period. In our case, it was nature, genetics, and we both screwed up on a few occasions. We're all human here. Even me, a pedantic, unintentionally harsh (and long-winded) human. Do what can, do your best, but don't forget yourselves in this battle. Be well all, and ride in peace. May the pain that you suffer ease, and may you become comfortable and content in your hearts and minds/souls. I wish the same for the children that have brought you here. GN out. [/QUOTE]
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