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Parent Emeritus
Tired of hearing mom's advocating Tough Love
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 622731" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Tom, I am so sorry your daughter was raped. I can't imagine how horrible that must be for you and for her.</p><p></p><p>Sadly, Tom, most of us moms spent many years trying everything else in the name of mother love before we realized we can't help anybody who doesn't want to be helped, and we can't change anybody but ourselves. Even our own kids who we love beyond all reason and who we would and did lay down our lives for----I was like the walking dead for a long, long time----if only that would make a difference. </p><p></p><p>I believe our "loving protection" defined as fixing the problems our kids created and saving them from the natural consequences of their own choices, was more crippling to them than detachment will ever be. Today, my son is a grown man. He has choices and decisions to make that are his alone. </p><p></p><p>In fact, you may have noticed that most of the time, mothers are the very last "man" standing, long after fathers detach and let it be whatever it is. It takes most of us a very very long time to get it, if we ever really do. </p><p></p><p>In fact, Tom, we moms tried it all of the other ways, plus some, and most of the time, things only got worse. Things sometimes get worse with detachment and "tough Love" as well. There is no magic recipe or quick fix, as I am sure you have found out.</p><p></p><p>Tom, each of us can only do what we feel is best, and believe me, most of us struggle with that question every single day and night endlessly. Once I learned better, I started doing better. I have been dealing with my son's derailment since he was 12---he is now 24.5 years old. The last four years have been horrible. </p><p></p><p>Your anger at moms is sadly misplaced. Maybe you had a really bad experience with one mom or a few moms who were neglectful. I would be angry at that as well, and I'm sorry. Most of the moms I read here on this site and the ones I know who have dealt with their kids' addictions for years are not the people you describe.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry for your pain. You may want to consider reading this site---many, many posts---so you will better understand. You may want to consider not lumping all moms who are letting their adult children go, to live their own lives, into the negative bag you describe.</p><p></p><p>We have looked into the face of hell, Tom, and I don't think you know much about who we are, what we have experience, or what we have now learned. </p><p></p><p>I wish you peace and solace for the pain and anger you are feeling today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 622731, member: 17542"] Tom, I am so sorry your daughter was raped. I can't imagine how horrible that must be for you and for her. Sadly, Tom, most of us moms spent many years trying everything else in the name of mother love before we realized we can't help anybody who doesn't want to be helped, and we can't change anybody but ourselves. Even our own kids who we love beyond all reason and who we would and did lay down our lives for----I was like the walking dead for a long, long time----if only that would make a difference. I believe our "loving protection" defined as fixing the problems our kids created and saving them from the natural consequences of their own choices, was more crippling to them than detachment will ever be. Today, my son is a grown man. He has choices and decisions to make that are his alone. In fact, you may have noticed that most of the time, mothers are the very last "man" standing, long after fathers detach and let it be whatever it is. It takes most of us a very very long time to get it, if we ever really do. In fact, Tom, we moms tried it all of the other ways, plus some, and most of the time, things only got worse. Things sometimes get worse with detachment and "tough Love" as well. There is no magic recipe or quick fix, as I am sure you have found out. Tom, each of us can only do what we feel is best, and believe me, most of us struggle with that question every single day and night endlessly. Once I learned better, I started doing better. I have been dealing with my son's derailment since he was 12---he is now 24.5 years old. The last four years have been horrible. Your anger at moms is sadly misplaced. Maybe you had a really bad experience with one mom or a few moms who were neglectful. I would be angry at that as well, and I'm sorry. Most of the moms I read here on this site and the ones I know who have dealt with their kids' addictions for years are not the people you describe. I'm sorry for your pain. You may want to consider reading this site---many, many posts---so you will better understand. You may want to consider not lumping all moms who are letting their adult children go, to live their own lives, into the negative bag you describe. We have looked into the face of hell, Tom, and I don't think you know much about who we are, what we have experience, or what we have now learned. I wish you peace and solace for the pain and anger you are feeling today. [/QUOTE]
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