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To All Parents/Stepparents/Caregivers Whose Children Threaten Suicide
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 720625" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>hi culturanta</p><p></p><p>are the doctors clearer about the brain damage?</p><p></p><p>here is the thing. this forum brings to it, largely family of difficult children. like your oldest. these kids have a stereotypical story. we can almost tell it collectively with one breath. my own son is one of the most vulnerable here. but he is still a d c.</p><p></p><p>he has been hospalized for suicidal ideation numerous times. his depression began after age 21. he was impulsive but now less so. he does use threats instumentally. i believe he learned this as a means of coping and getting short term needs met.</p><p></p><p>of course he could have and still could kill himself. i can barely type those words. i pray he finds a way to live.</p><p></p><p>the way i learned to cope is to either call 911 if i knew his whereabouts or tell him i would cease contact if he made a threat. and do it, if i did not have any way to respond.</p><p></p><p>but for us threats or statements like i want to die have been an ongoing response to stress , conflict or circumstantial challenges.</p><p></p><p>there was no way i could have control except to not reward the behavior.</p><p></p><p>ys was not a d c. he internalized it all. the exact opposite of the d c syndrome. i think 2x a week therapy was not sweeping it under the rug. that he had a plan--should have triggered a response by professionals. </p><p></p><p>we could not have made him fork it up. but that is what suicide watch and psychiatric inpatient is for. this is not for parents to have to discern. we cannot. you could not have.</p><p></p><p>the harm came not from the suicidal statement. it seems to have come from a pervasive sense that he was not heard. and could not be heard. even. especially to himself (except by you) because we must be first heard as a child by a caretaker to be able to soothe ourselves. if we cannot do this in ourselves, how can we give this to our child. i torture myself this way.</p><p></p><p>i think this begins in relationship. i think i recall that the trigger was something with the girlfriend. this was but the match.</p><p></p><p>there was no lack by you. you overlooked nothing. you ignored and downplayed nothing. you failed at nothing. all you did was love that boy. i am wondering if you are going through the stages of grief and a bit turning the anger against yourself. </p><p></p><p>this is the child's real life. it is a real despair and sense of self-abandonment that i , you, and others know something about.</p><p></p><p>he (me too) learned to do this in his family. we can change. it is not too late.</p><p></p><p>the opening now is to learn how to find, nurture and nourish ourselves first ourselves and our true lives. there is no blame here. it is to first embrace. for ys, you, his mother, me too. embrace ourselves. first defining what that would be. each of us for ourselves. lifelong.</p><p></p><p>for ys there are therapists that can help him. not so much (or only) to focus on mental illness but self expression, communication, and the family. the wholeness, the voice is there to be reclaimed. </p><p></p><p>that is what i am learning about my own life. it is hard. </p><p></p><p>if you can prevail on his parents,a long term inpatient program would be a gift. music. art. nature. spirituality, meditation. family therapy. once he has stabilized physically.</p><p></p><p>how very sad i feel for us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 720625, member: 18958"] hi culturanta are the doctors clearer about the brain damage? here is the thing. this forum brings to it, largely family of difficult children. like your oldest. these kids have a stereotypical story. we can almost tell it collectively with one breath. my own son is one of the most vulnerable here. but he is still a d c. he has been hospalized for suicidal ideation numerous times. his depression began after age 21. he was impulsive but now less so. he does use threats instumentally. i believe he learned this as a means of coping and getting short term needs met. of course he could have and still could kill himself. i can barely type those words. i pray he finds a way to live. the way i learned to cope is to either call 911 if i knew his whereabouts or tell him i would cease contact if he made a threat. and do it, if i did not have any way to respond. but for us threats or statements like i want to die have been an ongoing response to stress , conflict or circumstantial challenges. there was no way i could have control except to not reward the behavior. ys was not a d c. he internalized it all. the exact opposite of the d c syndrome. i think 2x a week therapy was not sweeping it under the rug. that he had a plan--should have triggered a response by professionals. we could not have made him fork it up. but that is what suicide watch and psychiatric inpatient is for. this is not for parents to have to discern. we cannot. you could not have. the harm came not from the suicidal statement. it seems to have come from a pervasive sense that he was not heard. and could not be heard. even. especially to himself (except by you) because we must be first heard as a child by a caretaker to be able to soothe ourselves. if we cannot do this in ourselves, how can we give this to our child. i torture myself this way. i think this begins in relationship. i think i recall that the trigger was something with the girlfriend. this was but the match. there was no lack by you. you overlooked nothing. you ignored and downplayed nothing. you failed at nothing. all you did was love that boy. i am wondering if you are going through the stages of grief and a bit turning the anger against yourself. this is the child's real life. it is a real despair and sense of self-abandonment that i , you, and others know something about. he (me too) learned to do this in his family. we can change. it is not too late. the opening now is to learn how to find, nurture and nourish ourselves first ourselves and our true lives. there is no blame here. it is to first embrace. for ys, you, his mother, me too. embrace ourselves. first defining what that would be. each of us for ourselves. lifelong. for ys there are therapists that can help him. not so much (or only) to focus on mental illness but self expression, communication, and the family. the wholeness, the voice is there to be reclaimed. that is what i am learning about my own life. it is hard. if you can prevail on his parents,a long term inpatient program would be a gift. music. art. nature. spirituality, meditation. family therapy. once he has stabilized physically. how very sad i feel for us. [/QUOTE]
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