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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 645891" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>The reality of parenting a difficult child child is a harsh one.</p><p></p><p>difficult child kids are differently wired.</p><p></p><p>MWM always reminds us of that.</p><p></p><p>But I think I am just now getting that what differently wired means is that the wires are probably never going to magically make the right connections if I behave differently.</p><p></p><p>That is key.</p><p></p><p>I am not going to get what I want.</p><p></p><p>difficult child kids are differently wired <em>and why doesn't matter.</em></p><p></p><p>So that is one part of radical acceptance: Why doesn't matter. </p><p></p><p>I know firsthand that convincing ourselves we are</p><p>unaffected by difficult child irresponsibility only works until there is explosive damage.</p><p></p><p>Okay, so I hit a key, there. difficult child irresponsibility. It isn't solely the drugs, the alcohol, the mental illness. It is that from the beginning, from the time they were out of the house enough that we could no longer enforce responsible behavior, a difficult child child invariably chooses irresponsibility.</p><p></p><p>They do the strangest things.</p><p></p><p>We're back to genetics, again. Back to adventuring, back to courage and creativity and the creation of new things; back to so many of our ancestors having chosen to sail an ocean in the time before radar or even adequate maps or engines on boats.</p><p></p><p>They did that.</p><p></p><p>Those were our ancestors, here in America.</p><p></p><p>And that is the blood that runs in our children.</p><p></p><p>From the time she was a little girl, difficult child daughter's dream was to be an astronaut and settle another planet.</p><p></p><p>difficult child son makes things happen. He does. His ambition? Was to sue people. We were hoping that meant attorney. Wrong again! He meant to do nothing and get money.</p><p></p><p>Who knows where they even come up with this stuff.</p><p></p><p>I may start a thread on that. What did our difficult child kids want to be when they were little as opposed to easy child kids.</p><p></p><p>I'm betting there will be a difference.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Someone posted about being labeled "cheap". I think it was Seeking. husband is labeled cheap, controlling, and mean. Now that I am now refusing to be the money conduit to husband, no one quite knows what to do with me. I am looking askance at their difficult child interpretations of family, too.</p><p></p><p>This is where I am vulnerable. Wow, how did I not see that vulnerable place for what it is.</p><p></p><p>The role of family, the role of mother; I blackmail myself first. All they have to do is play the music I provided. The dream of getting what I want (a happy, successful family) will keep the money flowing.</p><p></p><p>I have to think about that one a little bit.</p><p></p><p>Back to cheapness.</p><p></p><p>I am the good cop. husband is the bad cop.</p><p></p><p>Do you see the triangulation, the disrespect, the identity through the difficult child eyes in these roles we have been cast in.</p><p></p><p>Do you see the harsher realities our marriages are tested against, versus non-difficult child child marriages.</p><p></p><p>Another difference between ourselves and non-difficult child parents is the way we are seen and labeled and who we are understood to be by our difficult child children compared to the way they are seen by their non-difficult child kids. This is an important distinction for us to make. Those differences in the nature of the self reflected to the parent by the child is a source of much pain that the non-difficult child parent is wholly unaware of. We might choose to be unaware of that too, but we do so at our peril.</p><p></p><p>It makes us weak, that our difficult child kids see us as they do, and it makes other parents very strong, very centered, to know their children see them as they do. I mean, it affects the who they think they are in every other area of life too, just as that same weakness, that same sort of horrified inability to look away affects us in our lives, in who we think we are down in our hearts where no one sees.</p><p></p><p>This pain and the weakness attending it may be the core thing that keeps us hooked in. The shame of the way they see us, the coldness of it, the lack of respect in it weakens us, sets us off center and out of balance and out of sorts and is a thing to recover from before we can participate in the world with our heads up, not determinedly, but joyfully.</p><p></p><p>That is a difference between us, whatever our positions in life, and those we know whose kids are not difficult children, whatever their positions may be.</p><p></p><p>I am talking money and accomplishment and things like that.</p><p></p><p>Shallow, I know.</p><p></p><p>But there is something here, I just know it. Something that will set me free. I know I am supposed to be so happy for them that they do not know what I know.</p><p></p><p>But I want more than that for myself.</p><p></p><p>It is not that I wish them to know the taste of my situation. I would like to understand my freaking situation in a way that does not leave me wounded and vulnerable to further manipulation.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Friends or not, we know darn well those successful parents have just as many tics and shortcomings and hang ups as we do and yet their kids are fine. This puts us on the rotten outside looking in again.</p><p></p><p>It's maddening.</p><p></p><p>Faced with the pain and confusion surrounding the way we love and are loved by our children, we need the factual, blow by blow knowledge of the dynamics of our relationships. That way, we can counter the hurtful self image come of parenting difficult child children, one little piece at a time.</p><p></p><p>Maybe.</p><p></p><p>Understanding the purpose and the payoff of the roles our children cast us in is a beginning way to heal guilt and shame. Guilt over what we did or did not provide. (Which is a rationalization, a way for us to believe that if we could find and fix whatever the lack was, the difficult child would be able to thrive when the truth is that humans are hard wired for challenge and our difficult child kids are behaving irresponsibly even in how they express their genetics.)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Maybe we don't, Trish. If we can figure out our own motivations, then we will be free. Our difficult child kids will still be difficult child kids, but we will be able to face whatever comes without guilt or remorse or even, regret. </p><p></p><p>We will know better.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I find it unbelievable, too.</p><p></p><p>My sister used to be able to collect quite remarkable sums of money during plane rides because she was a single mother.</p><p></p><p>It is the same thing. Though it is disconcerting in the extreme for us, predatory people see nothing wrong with what they do.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My sister does that too, only I would not say painting herself as a victim. She paints herself as the courageous survivor and gets people to invest in making the world better through giving her money. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>We are working on eradicating our vulnerabilities, Albatross. </p><p></p><p>We are going to be fine and strong and happy and focused again soon.</p><p></p><p>No more guilt, no remorse.</p><p></p><p>We have parented fully and beautifully. The beauty in generosity, in forgiveness, in loving someone for the best in them ~ all that stuff is ours, is bred into us, is in our natures.</p><p></p><p>We will still be ourselves, but our eyes will be open.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Nope. Not this time.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Not only that. <em>I don't know what she told the neighbor, what she tells the neighbor.</em> I do know she...BLANK SPOT which Cedar pushes through. I do know difficult child daughter and difficult child son talk about us to one another. I do know they do not think well of us. I do know there are sophisticated manipulative games being played which will cost the neighbor money.</p><p></p><p>It very much sucks.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Me, too. I am so glad you are posting and participating with us. We will do this; we will see our own vulnerabilities and...well, that's all.</p><p></p><p>But maybe that will be enough.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>And that is key. Knowing how our difficult children manipulate our feelings about ourselves to have it the way they want it.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I accidentally hit post.</p><p></p><p>Edit time is up.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 645891, member: 17461"] Yes. The reality of parenting a difficult child child is a harsh one. difficult child kids are differently wired. MWM always reminds us of that. But I think I am just now getting that what differently wired means is that the wires are probably never going to magically make the right connections if I behave differently. That is key. I am not going to get what I want. difficult child kids are differently wired [I]and why doesn't matter.[/I] So that is one part of radical acceptance: Why doesn't matter. I know firsthand that convincing ourselves we are unaffected by difficult child irresponsibility only works until there is explosive damage. Okay, so I hit a key, there. difficult child irresponsibility. It isn't solely the drugs, the alcohol, the mental illness. It is that from the beginning, from the time they were out of the house enough that we could no longer enforce responsible behavior, a difficult child child invariably chooses irresponsibility. They do the strangest things. We're back to genetics, again. Back to adventuring, back to courage and creativity and the creation of new things; back to so many of our ancestors having chosen to sail an ocean in the time before radar or even adequate maps or engines on boats. They did that. Those were our ancestors, here in America. And that is the blood that runs in our children. From the time she was a little girl, difficult child daughter's dream was to be an astronaut and settle another planet. difficult child son makes things happen. He does. His ambition? Was to sue people. We were hoping that meant attorney. Wrong again! He meant to do nothing and get money. Who knows where they even come up with this stuff. I may start a thread on that. What did our difficult child kids want to be when they were little as opposed to easy child kids. I'm betting there will be a difference. *** Someone posted about being labeled "cheap". I think it was Seeking. husband is labeled cheap, controlling, and mean. Now that I am now refusing to be the money conduit to husband, no one quite knows what to do with me. I am looking askance at their difficult child interpretations of family, too. This is where I am vulnerable. Wow, how did I not see that vulnerable place for what it is. The role of family, the role of mother; I blackmail myself first. All they have to do is play the music I provided. The dream of getting what I want (a happy, successful family) will keep the money flowing. I have to think about that one a little bit. Back to cheapness. I am the good cop. husband is the bad cop. Do you see the triangulation, the disrespect, the identity through the difficult child eyes in these roles we have been cast in. Do you see the harsher realities our marriages are tested against, versus non-difficult child child marriages. Another difference between ourselves and non-difficult child parents is the way we are seen and labeled and who we are understood to be by our difficult child children compared to the way they are seen by their non-difficult child kids. This is an important distinction for us to make. Those differences in the nature of the self reflected to the parent by the child is a source of much pain that the non-difficult child parent is wholly unaware of. We might choose to be unaware of that too, but we do so at our peril. It makes us weak, that our difficult child kids see us as they do, and it makes other parents very strong, very centered, to know their children see them as they do. I mean, it affects the who they think they are in every other area of life too, just as that same weakness, that same sort of horrified inability to look away affects us in our lives, in who we think we are down in our hearts where no one sees. This pain and the weakness attending it may be the core thing that keeps us hooked in. The shame of the way they see us, the coldness of it, the lack of respect in it weakens us, sets us off center and out of balance and out of sorts and is a thing to recover from before we can participate in the world with our heads up, not determinedly, but joyfully. That is a difference between us, whatever our positions in life, and those we know whose kids are not difficult children, whatever their positions may be. I am talking money and accomplishment and things like that. Shallow, I know. But there is something here, I just know it. Something that will set me free. I know I am supposed to be so happy for them that they do not know what I know. But I want more than that for myself. It is not that I wish them to know the taste of my situation. I would like to understand my freaking situation in a way that does not leave me wounded and vulnerable to further manipulation. *** Friends or not, we know darn well those successful parents have just as many tics and shortcomings and hang ups as we do and yet their kids are fine. This puts us on the rotten outside looking in again. It's maddening. Faced with the pain and confusion surrounding the way we love and are loved by our children, we need the factual, blow by blow knowledge of the dynamics of our relationships. That way, we can counter the hurtful self image come of parenting difficult child children, one little piece at a time. Maybe. Understanding the purpose and the payoff of the roles our children cast us in is a beginning way to heal guilt and shame. Guilt over what we did or did not provide. (Which is a rationalization, a way for us to believe that if we could find and fix whatever the lack was, the difficult child would be able to thrive when the truth is that humans are hard wired for challenge and our difficult child kids are behaving irresponsibly even in how they express their genetics.) Maybe we don't, Trish. If we can figure out our own motivations, then we will be free. Our difficult child kids will still be difficult child kids, but we will be able to face whatever comes without guilt or remorse or even, regret. We will know better. I find it unbelievable, too. My sister used to be able to collect quite remarkable sums of money during plane rides because she was a single mother. It is the same thing. Though it is disconcerting in the extreme for us, predatory people see nothing wrong with what they do. My sister does that too, only I would not say painting herself as a victim. She paints herself as the courageous survivor and gets people to invest in making the world better through giving her money. We are working on eradicating our vulnerabilities, Albatross. We are going to be fine and strong and happy and focused again soon. No more guilt, no remorse. We have parented fully and beautifully. The beauty in generosity, in forgiveness, in loving someone for the best in them ~ all that stuff is ours, is bred into us, is in our natures. We will still be ourselves, but our eyes will be open. Nope. Not this time. Not only that. [I]I don't know what she told the neighbor, what she tells the neighbor.[/I] I do know she...BLANK SPOT which Cedar pushes through. I do know difficult child daughter and difficult child son talk about us to one another. I do know they do not think well of us. I do know there are sophisticated manipulative games being played which will cost the neighbor money. It very much sucks. Me, too. I am so glad you are posting and participating with us. We will do this; we will see our own vulnerabilities and...well, that's all. But maybe that will be enough. And that is key. Knowing how our difficult children manipulate our feelings about ourselves to have it the way they want it. I accidentally hit post. Edit time is up. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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