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<blockquote data-quote="tishthedish" data-source="post: 646492" data-attributes="member: 17103"><p>Oh boy. It's been a hard road and I am still working on it. It started with stepping back and letting our difficult child 2 and his baby mama experience the natural consequences of their neglect. Child endangerment charge for him, a protective order taken out against both of them by husband and me to keep our GS in our custody until they both were unimpaired. We had a guardian angel in an aggressive DCFS investigator that actually "got it" and have held both of their feet to the fire. So much so that difficult child 2 is doing much better and baby mama has signed over custody completely to him since she is still active in her addictions. This gave difficult child 2 more of a sense of purpose and she has no access to GS without my son being present. And because of the difficulty of that time when we had custody of our GS for a month, difficult child 2 realizes that if he falters, husband and I will not be able to carry the load. Custody will have to go to a younger relative or foster care will be on the table. Prior to this I think everyone, including husband, thought I could keep up with the rigors of parenting a non-verbal, physically violent special needs child as I near 60. After a month with my doing the lion's share, it was obvious to everyone that <em>they couldn't hold up their part</em> let alone expecting me to parent as I had when I was 35.</p><p></p><p>Al-Anon and a phenomenal therapist has been key to my functioning around this. Without it and therapy I would have already sacrificed myself at the altar of doing everyone elses' bidding and rushing in to save everything and everyone I could. I shudder to think what that would look like.</p><p></p><p>My therapist made clear to me that no matter how involved my husband and I were with our GS he was still going to be exposed to dysfunction at some level from his parents. It's not an easy pill to swallow, but our excellent parenting of our own children could not protect them. My working overtime to light their path in order to ease their trip failed miserably. So I had to acknowledge that I am not omnipotent in anyone's life but my own. </p><p></p><p>I continue to seek answers and learn along the way. I see my beloved GS several times a week and take an active interest in his school and health. I help when I am asked. And sometimes I even say, "Sorry, I can't". </p><p></p><p>The pain of the past few years and Al-Anon make it apparent that all of it has to come second to my self-care and my relationship with my higher power. It goes against my grain, but it is starting to feel good. I have a long way to go though. I am coming off a rough couple of weeks and feel dangerously close to the emotionally raw place I was when I first started to seek help. I am going to have to keep working for a long time to get back to where I need to be...inside a house made of brick, rather than a house made of straw. I hope that answers your question, Cedar.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="tishthedish, post: 646492, member: 17103"] Oh boy. It's been a hard road and I am still working on it. It started with stepping back and letting our difficult child 2 and his baby mama experience the natural consequences of their neglect. Child endangerment charge for him, a protective order taken out against both of them by husband and me to keep our GS in our custody until they both were unimpaired. We had a guardian angel in an aggressive DCFS investigator that actually "got it" and have held both of their feet to the fire. So much so that difficult child 2 is doing much better and baby mama has signed over custody completely to him since she is still active in her addictions. This gave difficult child 2 more of a sense of purpose and she has no access to GS without my son being present. And because of the difficulty of that time when we had custody of our GS for a month, difficult child 2 realizes that if he falters, husband and I will not be able to carry the load. Custody will have to go to a younger relative or foster care will be on the table. Prior to this I think everyone, including husband, thought I could keep up with the rigors of parenting a non-verbal, physically violent special needs child as I near 60. After a month with my doing the lion's share, it was obvious to everyone that [I]they couldn't hold up their part[/I] let alone expecting me to parent as I had when I was 35. Al-Anon and a phenomenal therapist has been key to my functioning around this. Without it and therapy I would have already sacrificed myself at the altar of doing everyone elses' bidding and rushing in to save everything and everyone I could. I shudder to think what that would look like. My therapist made clear to me that no matter how involved my husband and I were with our GS he was still going to be exposed to dysfunction at some level from his parents. It's not an easy pill to swallow, but our excellent parenting of our own children could not protect them. My working overtime to light their path in order to ease their trip failed miserably. So I had to acknowledge that I am not omnipotent in anyone's life but my own. I continue to seek answers and learn along the way. I see my beloved GS several times a week and take an active interest in his school and health. I help when I am asked. And sometimes I even say, "Sorry, I can't". The pain of the past few years and Al-Anon make it apparent that all of it has to come second to my self-care and my relationship with my higher power. It goes against my grain, but it is starting to feel good. I have a long way to go though. I am coming off a rough couple of weeks and feel dangerously close to the emotionally raw place I was when I first started to seek help. I am going to have to keep working for a long time to get back to where I need to be...inside a house made of brick, rather than a house made of straw. I hope that answers your question, Cedar. [/QUOTE]
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