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Trading one mess for another
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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 764589" data-attributes="member: 4152"><p>Newstart...It certainly is a positive that your adult daughter is not having those deep setbacks like she had previously. And it sounds like a potential positive that she can live rent free in three year's time....I'm assuming she would be willing and able to pay any costs like electricity?</p><p></p><p>Our daughter has found her bio family and many are bipolar. On I think her first visit, she got into a terrible argument with one of the older male family members. Both seemed irrational. I guess I blame her slightly more because she is younger and was a guest in their home. But, fairly soon, they forgave each other and life moved on. I definitely got a vibe that this family has often done that...although there was one family member they deemed to be so toxic, that they separated from them. Actually, this is an important point...one family member that no one could cope with any longer. Too many very terrible things and family members both bipolar and not...well, they called it quits with this particular person.</p><p></p><p>Bottom line, I think you might consider at least short term therapy....if you aren't currently going...as I know most of us have gone. Your husband should go to therapy and you might both together consider short term marriage/couples therapy. Yes, that's a lot. Your husband in particular, sounds like he needs A LOT of help. Perhaps he is semi accustomed to irrational/ mean behaviors from childhood and was brought up to quickly let it go. But, now he is dragging you into it AND it seems many if not MOST of these folks seem toxic. He certainly has no business deceiving you. At the very least BOUNDARIES should be set between him and his family. Perhaps long cooling off periods and certain absolutely NO's. And again, deceiving you is not ok.</p><p></p><p>And like the others said...perhaps he needs a medical work up. Does he also have a mood disorder? Might he need a tweak in medication?</p><p></p><p>I recall a self help type person, once said women often get short changed in divorces. Not sure why exactly...but it seemed accurate to me. I would fight to get this ironed out and if he is not in the least interested or cooperative...well that would be a big negative strike in my book. But consider fighting and pushing hard to set up hard fast rules so that you can move forward together reasonably, honestly and lovingly. Marriage / couples therapy perhaps for this very specific issue if nothing else.</p><p></p><p> And, figure out things you enjoy doing together. Having a daughter like you've had and all these various very difficult things going on is draining. Sometimes it's easy to forget to do "fun" things for ourselves or as a couple. I just saw your other posts where you said he keeps busy. Are you two doing fun things together at all? Like going to a movie? Just a thought. </p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry that you are going through this difficult anguish. </p><p></p><p>Sending good thoughts.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 764589, member: 4152"] Newstart...It certainly is a positive that your adult daughter is not having those deep setbacks like she had previously. And it sounds like a potential positive that she can live rent free in three year's time....I'm assuming she would be willing and able to pay any costs like electricity? Our daughter has found her bio family and many are bipolar. On I think her first visit, she got into a terrible argument with one of the older male family members. Both seemed irrational. I guess I blame her slightly more because she is younger and was a guest in their home. But, fairly soon, they forgave each other and life moved on. I definitely got a vibe that this family has often done that...although there was one family member they deemed to be so toxic, that they separated from them. Actually, this is an important point...one family member that no one could cope with any longer. Too many very terrible things and family members both bipolar and not...well, they called it quits with this particular person. Bottom line, I think you might consider at least short term therapy....if you aren't currently going...as I know most of us have gone. Your husband should go to therapy and you might both together consider short term marriage/couples therapy. Yes, that's a lot. Your husband in particular, sounds like he needs A LOT of help. Perhaps he is semi accustomed to irrational/ mean behaviors from childhood and was brought up to quickly let it go. But, now he is dragging you into it AND it seems many if not MOST of these folks seem toxic. He certainly has no business deceiving you. At the very least BOUNDARIES should be set between him and his family. Perhaps long cooling off periods and certain absolutely NO's. And again, deceiving you is not ok. And like the others said...perhaps he needs a medical work up. Does he also have a mood disorder? Might he need a tweak in medication? I recall a self help type person, once said women often get short changed in divorces. Not sure why exactly...but it seemed accurate to me. I would fight to get this ironed out and if he is not in the least interested or cooperative...well that would be a big negative strike in my book. But consider fighting and pushing hard to set up hard fast rules so that you can move forward together reasonably, honestly and lovingly. Marriage / couples therapy perhaps for this very specific issue if nothing else. And, figure out things you enjoy doing together. Having a daughter like you've had and all these various very difficult things going on is draining. Sometimes it's easy to forget to do "fun" things for ourselves or as a couple. I just saw your other posts where you said he keeps busy. Are you two doing fun things together at all? Like going to a movie? Just a thought. I'm so sorry that you are going through this difficult anguish. Sending good thoughts. [/QUOTE]
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