Dara -
I'm sorry you're struggling so much. While my child isn't as complex as yours, she too is one of those that the 'traditional' methods don't work for. It is soooo frustrating and I still to this day find myself thinking that we have to find SOMETHING - ANYTHING - that will work. She, too, is stubborn beyond comprehension, let alone explanation. Although, I think my mom put it best when she said that difficult child, "is so headstrong in her own self-defeat".
At the age of almost 13 we are just getting to the point where things are finally starting to click. I wish I could point to something and say this is what worked, but I can't. Because, honestly, I was shooting from the hip most days. Just constantly wracking my brain for ways to communicate with her and help her. We have never gotten very far with therapy; part of it is because difficult child would only participate to a point, but a big part of it is because noone ever had a strong handle on her. difficult child's therapist even said to me at one point (when I made a comment about wanting to educate the school so that when the next kid came along they would be better prepared) that she didn't think they'd see another kid like difficult child.
I'm not at all a perfect parent. Like you, I have and still do second guessed everything. There were a lot of days where I just couldn't do anymore and would give in. I just could not handle another battle. Other days I wouldn't back down. Really, the only thing I did consistently - cause, like I said, I was always searching for something so I changed what I did a lot - was cause and effect. You do X, you get Y. She didn't make that connection, but eventually after repetition, reinforcement and talking about it, it's started to sink in.
((((((hugs))))) I know it's frustrating. I wish I had more to offer.
