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<blockquote data-quote="Albatross" data-source="post: 705150" data-attributes="member: 17720"><p>Neither one, Copa, and it certainly doesn't reflect on our integrity or strength. I see it as just a warped sense of boundaries, a maladjustment in our relationship and our roles.</p><p></p><p>I think, too, that you have some extra layers to address as far as letting go. You knew going in that your son had some incredibly difficult challenges at birth, and you accepted the role of helping him overcome those challenges with your whole heart.</p><p></p><p>So much of your identity is and has been tied into that role. I see you almost as deciding you were going to save him, and now you feel you have not saved him completely, so you must have failed in your mission. Am I wrong about that?</p><p></p><p>We both are mired in guilt, I think, but for different reasons.</p><p></p><p>I came from the other end. The first 12 years were easy and close, then came the shock and guilt and confusion at how wrong it all went. I had no high expectations of myself or the outcome, until it all went off the rails and I was unable to get it (him, me, the family dynamic) back on track.</p><p></p><p>But it seems we both hold ourselves accountable for not having absolute control over another human being's choices (and a grown one at that).</p><p></p><p></p><p>SWOT, this gives me pause for thought. I can't say that I feel a need to try to parent him anymore; in fact, I feel exactly the opposite. I dread the phone ringing because I don't WANT to parent him anymore; he just keeps asking me to! What I would LIKE is to have a conversation that (a) wasn't him asking me to bail him out of some sort of trouble and (b) didn't degenerate into name-calling and animosity.</p><p></p><p></p><p>So, my feelings and my deeds aren't matching up.</p><p></p><p>If I don't want to parent him anymore, why do I keep welcoming his feigned helplessness and engaging in the Alice-in-Wonderland conversations, knowing that I am going to feel 7 shades of crappy afterwards? It IS more for me than for him, and it IS ruining my life. So why don't I stop? What am I getting out of this?</p><p></p><p>That is something else for me to think about, SWOT. Thank you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Albatross, post: 705150, member: 17720"] Neither one, Copa, and it certainly doesn't reflect on our integrity or strength. I see it as just a warped sense of boundaries, a maladjustment in our relationship and our roles. I think, too, that you have some extra layers to address as far as letting go. You knew going in that your son had some incredibly difficult challenges at birth, and you accepted the role of helping him overcome those challenges with your whole heart. So much of your identity is and has been tied into that role. I see you almost as deciding you were going to save him, and now you feel you have not saved him completely, so you must have failed in your mission. Am I wrong about that? We both are mired in guilt, I think, but for different reasons. I came from the other end. The first 12 years were easy and close, then came the shock and guilt and confusion at how wrong it all went. I had no high expectations of myself or the outcome, until it all went off the rails and I was unable to get it (him, me, the family dynamic) back on track. But it seems we both hold ourselves accountable for not having absolute control over another human being's choices (and a grown one at that). SWOT, this gives me pause for thought. I can't say that I feel a need to try to parent him anymore; in fact, I feel exactly the opposite. I dread the phone ringing because I don't WANT to parent him anymore; he just keeps asking me to! What I would LIKE is to have a conversation that (a) wasn't him asking me to bail him out of some sort of trouble and (b) didn't degenerate into name-calling and animosity. So, my feelings and my deeds aren't matching up. If I don't want to parent him anymore, why do I keep welcoming his feigned helplessness and engaging in the Alice-in-Wonderland conversations, knowing that I am going to feel 7 shades of crappy afterwards? It IS more for me than for him, and it IS ruining my life. So why don't I stop? What am I getting out of this? That is something else for me to think about, SWOT. Thank you. [/QUOTE]
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