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update on 22 year old bipolar who is difficult to live with
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 606847" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>Mr. Mike, is this behavior a change for your son? </p><p></p><p>Do you know whether drug use is involved?</p><p></p><p>I think I understood you to say that he had not been diagnosed. I am assuming he refuses to be assessed? </p><p> </p><p>Mr. Mike, the balance of power in your relationship to your son has shifted. In order for your son to live at home again, that situation is going to have to change. This should not be a question of whether or not your son is willing to obey the rules. He has already demonstrated that he is not. He is blackmailing you into bringing him home again by making you look at him, all pitiful in the yard. He can do that because you love him, and because he knows that is not the kind of father you want to be. Your son knows the rules of this game inside out. He knows you will let him come home. He knows his condition excuses his behavior.</p><p></p><p>That all has to stop.</p><p></p><p>As Recovering suggested, you need to check out addresses and phone numbers for local shelters. You need to check on the cost of a room at the YMCA. Having somewhere to send your son will enable you to mean what you say. It may become necessary for you to pay for a room for a certain amount of time so your son can find work and get on his feet. Just knowing what your options are will make you stronger, and will change the nature of your interactions with your son. Maybe that will be enough. Maybe your son will sense this different determination in you, and start behaving with courtesy and respect.</p><p></p><p>But best to be prepared.</p><p></p><p>You are going to need to learn what your rights are, relative to your son. You may not have the right to ask him to leave your home without going through an eviction process.</p><p> </p><p>If your son has been refusing to be assessed, that should be one of the conditions of his returning home. </p><p></p><p>Call and make the appointment before you let him come back. Ask him if he is "down with" having an assessment done, and explain that he will need to leave on that date if he does not willingly complete the assessment. (This is where knowing the cost of the YMCA, or of one of those month-by-month hotels comes in. You may need to take him there, or send him by cab.) If your son is suffering a mental illness, it should be addressed by a professional. If there is no illness, then you and your son will need to re-assess what is really happening, here. If you don't know where to begin this process, go through the blue pages (the government section) of your phone book. Contact Human Services, and they will be able to help you. In some areas of the country, dialing 211 will access a 24 </p><p>hour helpline. It will be an amazing source of comfort and information for you. This is toll-free.</p><p></p><p>If you are reluctant to have your son diagnosed and labeled like that, then you will need to be very specific about the behaviors that will get him thrown out of your home. You will probably have to run him down to the YMCA once or twice. The cost of a room for a week to teach him this lesson will be good for both of you. You can tell him that, though he will be able to come home in one week the first time you find it necessary to move him out...the day will come when you may not allow him to come back, at all.</p><p></p><p>It is your home, Mr. Mike. You are not making it impossible for your son, he is making it impossible for you. Part of the problem is that young men should not be living with their parents. Your son should be out on his own, unless he is in school.</p><p></p><p>I know you may not act on any of this information, today. And that's okay. It's okay to give your son as many chances as you are willing to try. Each of us comes to this in our own time. It took me years and years, and I still get taken, sometimes! :O) But it is also important for you to begin to prepare for the day when you will be ready, really ready, for things to change.</p><p></p><p>None of us envisioned ourselves trying to figure out what to do with a violent, rebellious kid. It takes time for us to figure it out, and more time still to be ready to do what we need to do. </p><p></p><p>It's a hard, painful process, Mr. Mike. I am sorry you need to be here with us. But I can tell you that each of the parents here has been right where you are, today. Eventually, we made peace with what had happened to our children. Sometimes, the days are so hard we can hardly stop thinking about them, can hardly stop crying...and then, we hold one another up and get each other through it.</p><p></p><p>I am glad you are here with us, Mr. Mike. This site is a good, safe place to learn and to share our stories and to heal.</p><p></p><p>***************</p><p></p><p>These are things that helped me.</p><p></p><p>One of the mom's here posted about a newspaper article she'd read about American soldiers in Iraq. The article contained pictures of the 18 to 20 year old young men huddled around their tanks in camouflage, rifles in the air. And it occurred to the mom that she had just left her 22 year old son's filthy apartment (for which she was paying in a desperate attempt to get him out of the house and on his feet) with that same son yelling after her that his power was going to be shut off and he had no food. </p><p></p><p>All at once, the mom could see her son differently. </p><p></p><p>He was even older than those soldiers were. And while they were risking life and limb half a world away...her own son couldn't hold a job, didn't bother to clean up after himself in the apartment his parents were paying for, and couldn't even supply his own food, let alone pay his light bill.</p><p></p><p>Reading that mom's post helped me to see my son differently, too. I found a picture of young soldiers in Iraq. I taped it right next to the phone. Because I found it impossible to say anything to my son that didn't involve "Where do you want the money sent." (Ha! It's true! :O) I practiced phone conversations with the other parents, here. Then, I taped their responses next to the phone, too. The next time my son called, I used the responses we had figured out. Things like: "I'm sorry that is happening, difficult child. What are you going to do?" Or, "Let me know how things turn out." Or, "You are a smart man, difficult child. You'll figure it out." Or, "Sorry, honey. I have to go."</p><p></p><p>difficult child came to hate this site.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Part of the problem for us was that it never occurred to us that our son's problems had less to do with poor parenting than with drug use. This may not be the case, with your son. Another piece of the problem for us was that we did not (and still do not, to some degree) see our son as an adult male who is responsible for what he says, what he does, and what he believes. We excused inappropriate behavior and even, blamed ourselves for our son's behavior. </p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 606847, member: 1721"] Mr. Mike, is this behavior a change for your son? Do you know whether drug use is involved? I think I understood you to say that he had not been diagnosed. I am assuming he refuses to be assessed? Mr. Mike, the balance of power in your relationship to your son has shifted. In order for your son to live at home again, that situation is going to have to change. This should not be a question of whether or not your son is willing to obey the rules. He has already demonstrated that he is not. He is blackmailing you into bringing him home again by making you look at him, all pitiful in the yard. He can do that because you love him, and because he knows that is not the kind of father you want to be. Your son knows the rules of this game inside out. He knows you will let him come home. He knows his condition excuses his behavior. That all has to stop. As Recovering suggested, you need to check out addresses and phone numbers for local shelters. You need to check on the cost of a room at the YMCA. Having somewhere to send your son will enable you to mean what you say. It may become necessary for you to pay for a room for a certain amount of time so your son can find work and get on his feet. Just knowing what your options are will make you stronger, and will change the nature of your interactions with your son. Maybe that will be enough. Maybe your son will sense this different determination in you, and start behaving with courtesy and respect. But best to be prepared. You are going to need to learn what your rights are, relative to your son. You may not have the right to ask him to leave your home without going through an eviction process. If your son has been refusing to be assessed, that should be one of the conditions of his returning home. Call and make the appointment before you let him come back. Ask him if he is "down with" having an assessment done, and explain that he will need to leave on that date if he does not willingly complete the assessment. (This is where knowing the cost of the YMCA, or of one of those month-by-month hotels comes in. You may need to take him there, or send him by cab.) If your son is suffering a mental illness, it should be addressed by a professional. If there is no illness, then you and your son will need to re-assess what is really happening, here. If you don't know where to begin this process, go through the blue pages (the government section) of your phone book. Contact Human Services, and they will be able to help you. In some areas of the country, dialing 211 will access a 24 hour helpline. It will be an amazing source of comfort and information for you. This is toll-free. If you are reluctant to have your son diagnosed and labeled like that, then you will need to be very specific about the behaviors that will get him thrown out of your home. You will probably have to run him down to the YMCA once or twice. The cost of a room for a week to teach him this lesson will be good for both of you. You can tell him that, though he will be able to come home in one week the first time you find it necessary to move him out...the day will come when you may not allow him to come back, at all. It is your home, Mr. Mike. You are not making it impossible for your son, he is making it impossible for you. Part of the problem is that young men should not be living with their parents. Your son should be out on his own, unless he is in school. I know you may not act on any of this information, today. And that's okay. It's okay to give your son as many chances as you are willing to try. Each of us comes to this in our own time. It took me years and years, and I still get taken, sometimes! :O) But it is also important for you to begin to prepare for the day when you will be ready, really ready, for things to change. None of us envisioned ourselves trying to figure out what to do with a violent, rebellious kid. It takes time for us to figure it out, and more time still to be ready to do what we need to do. It's a hard, painful process, Mr. Mike. I am sorry you need to be here with us. But I can tell you that each of the parents here has been right where you are, today. Eventually, we made peace with what had happened to our children. Sometimes, the days are so hard we can hardly stop thinking about them, can hardly stop crying...and then, we hold one another up and get each other through it. I am glad you are here with us, Mr. Mike. This site is a good, safe place to learn and to share our stories and to heal. *************** These are things that helped me. One of the mom's here posted about a newspaper article she'd read about American soldiers in Iraq. The article contained pictures of the 18 to 20 year old young men huddled around their tanks in camouflage, rifles in the air. And it occurred to the mom that she had just left her 22 year old son's filthy apartment (for which she was paying in a desperate attempt to get him out of the house and on his feet) with that same son yelling after her that his power was going to be shut off and he had no food. All at once, the mom could see her son differently. He was even older than those soldiers were. And while they were risking life and limb half a world away...her own son couldn't hold a job, didn't bother to clean up after himself in the apartment his parents were paying for, and couldn't even supply his own food, let alone pay his light bill. Reading that mom's post helped me to see my son differently, too. I found a picture of young soldiers in Iraq. I taped it right next to the phone. Because I found it impossible to say anything to my son that didn't involve "Where do you want the money sent." (Ha! It's true! :O) I practiced phone conversations with the other parents, here. Then, I taped their responses next to the phone, too. The next time my son called, I used the responses we had figured out. Things like: "I'm sorry that is happening, difficult child. What are you going to do?" Or, "Let me know how things turn out." Or, "You are a smart man, difficult child. You'll figure it out." Or, "Sorry, honey. I have to go." difficult child came to hate this site. :O) Part of the problem for us was that it never occurred to us that our son's problems had less to do with poor parenting than with drug use. This may not be the case, with your son. Another piece of the problem for us was that we did not (and still do not, to some degree) see our son as an adult male who is responsible for what he says, what he does, and what he believes. We excused inappropriate behavior and even, blamed ourselves for our son's behavior. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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update on 22 year old bipolar who is difficult to live with
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