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Update on my son.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 733282" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Heavy hearted, I would encourage you to stay the course. However, we can only do what our hearts can bear. There is no right or wrong path, only the path that works best for you. </p><p></p><p>In my experience, I have had to make those kind of hard choices with my daughter as well. It is very difficult and of course our minds click in with the worst possible scenario filled with fear and drama and the likelihood of disaster on the horizon.....however, the worst case scenario may not happen and your son may make some better choices. The fact that you did not pay his probation and that you stepped back, refrained from helping and put it back onto him, says to me that that is what you really want to do , but now your fear has kicked in and the old program of enabling reared it's head. My advice would be to continue refraining from taking action. </p><p></p><p>I have found that each time I refrained from taking action, my daughter stepped up to the plate. I've been doing this for awhile now and slowly, the entire dynamic shifted where I am no longer her default support.....she has figured it out on her own. </p><p></p><p>Yes, it hurts like crazy at first. You're stopping a long pattern of enabling and the FOG has kicked in....(fear, obligation and guilt) which is common. When we change the pattern, all of our fears come up. Those are YOUR fears. Those are the fears I addressed in therapy, in my support group, here on this forum, so that they didn't run my life anymore. I believe you are doing the correct thing. And, I also know how much it hurts, it is hard to do. </p><p></p><p>I don't think you're wrong. I think you are making a healthy, hard choice.</p><p></p><p>I would strongly encourage you to now do something very kind and nurturing for yourself. Shift the focus onto yourself. Stats are that an 11 minute walk can alter our brain chemistry and change our perceptions. Meditation helps me. Take some kind of action for yourself, whatever it is. Don't allow yourself to be taken over by the FOG....dispel it with action, self care and sharing your experience.....</p><p></p><p>Hang in there heavy hearted, you're on the path of detachment, it is not easy, but it is doable.....and necessary for your well being and peace of mind.....take care of YOU now. </p><p></p><p>Sending big hugs. You're not alone. We'll circle our wagons around you while you work thru this.....</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 733282, member: 13542"] Heavy hearted, I would encourage you to stay the course. However, we can only do what our hearts can bear. There is no right or wrong path, only the path that works best for you. In my experience, I have had to make those kind of hard choices with my daughter as well. It is very difficult and of course our minds click in with the worst possible scenario filled with fear and drama and the likelihood of disaster on the horizon.....however, the worst case scenario may not happen and your son may make some better choices. The fact that you did not pay his probation and that you stepped back, refrained from helping and put it back onto him, says to me that that is what you really want to do , but now your fear has kicked in and the old program of enabling reared it's head. My advice would be to continue refraining from taking action. I have found that each time I refrained from taking action, my daughter stepped up to the plate. I've been doing this for awhile now and slowly, the entire dynamic shifted where I am no longer her default support.....she has figured it out on her own. Yes, it hurts like crazy at first. You're stopping a long pattern of enabling and the FOG has kicked in....(fear, obligation and guilt) which is common. When we change the pattern, all of our fears come up. Those are YOUR fears. Those are the fears I addressed in therapy, in my support group, here on this forum, so that they didn't run my life anymore. I believe you are doing the correct thing. And, I also know how much it hurts, it is hard to do. I don't think you're wrong. I think you are making a healthy, hard choice. I would strongly encourage you to now do something very kind and nurturing for yourself. Shift the focus onto yourself. Stats are that an 11 minute walk can alter our brain chemistry and change our perceptions. Meditation helps me. Take some kind of action for yourself, whatever it is. Don't allow yourself to be taken over by the FOG....dispel it with action, self care and sharing your experience..... Hang in there heavy hearted, you're on the path of detachment, it is not easy, but it is doable.....and necessary for your well being and peace of mind.....take care of YOU now. Sending big hugs. You're not alone. We'll circle our wagons around you while you work thru this..... [/QUOTE]
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