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Substance Abuse
Update on son- The cycle continues
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 762763" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>If your state is like mine there will be a limited time period he can be in a holding cell.</p><p></p><p>One reason he could be in a holding cell is he is still being processed. He would be in the process of getting rudimentary medical and legal clearances to go to a more general area.</p><p></p><p>Another possibility is that he is a disciplinary problem or is deemed to be potentially dangerous to others. Another possibility is that there is no space yet for him where he needs to be housed. Or maybe he will soon be sent to another jail. Or released. Who knows. It could be a number of things.</p><p></p><p>Evict him from your mind, Helpless. Thinking about how he will feel in x days or y circumstances, helps you not at all. Everything he is facing is a consequence of lifestyle choices he has made. Unlike many people, he was not a victim of circumstance. Unlike most people who face dreadful consequences, he knew full well what could happen to him, as he has already lived it.</p><p></p><p>There is the possibility that this will be his lifestyle for the foreseeable future. The same is true for my son. Why are we along for the ride? Remember that children's book, I think it was called. <strong>Oh, The Places We'll Go.</strong></p><p></p><p>Helpless, do you really want to be on this ride? Do I want to be with my son, as his life is more and more constrained by the dreadful choices he is making? No.</p><p></p><p>Try to get him out of your mind. He is safe. That is a good thing. The rest of it he will handle in the way that he wants.</p><p></p><p>PS I am wondering why he was so stressed about money while he was in the program. Could he have had debts for drugs? Could he have been involved in selling drugs? I am not saying this to make you worry. More so, I am asking this because what you don't know won't hurt you. WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW. There may so many things about his life about which you are unaware. Do we know more than the tip of the iceberg? Isn't this a good thing? </p><p></p><p>As mothers, we are programmed to worry. This worry has a basis in the mistaken belief we can do something to alter circumstances. We cannot. Every time my son comes back to live here in my town, I give him a place to stay or try to. He ALWAYS assumes he can prevail upon us, to change. While he pays lip service to my conditions, his default is ALWAYS his default. He never ever buys in. My default is always that I can do something to get him to change. It used to be that I thought I could DO SOMETHING which meant I could get him to do something. WRONG.</p><p></p><p>Now my MO is more subtle and even less grounded in reality. Now I seem to believe that if I let him come back, my milieu will permeate his being and create change. It is ludicrous. And just plain wrong.</p><p></p><p>I know you are not contemplating actively engaging with your son. However, I am beginning to think that even thinking of them creates toxicity. What a <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" />in mess.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 762763, member: 18958"] If your state is like mine there will be a limited time period he can be in a holding cell. One reason he could be in a holding cell is he is still being processed. He would be in the process of getting rudimentary medical and legal clearances to go to a more general area. Another possibility is that he is a disciplinary problem or is deemed to be potentially dangerous to others. Another possibility is that there is no space yet for him where he needs to be housed. Or maybe he will soon be sent to another jail. Or released. Who knows. It could be a number of things. Evict him from your mind, Helpless. Thinking about how he will feel in x days or y circumstances, helps you not at all. Everything he is facing is a consequence of lifestyle choices he has made. Unlike many people, he was not a victim of circumstance. Unlike most people who face dreadful consequences, he knew full well what could happen to him, as he has already lived it. There is the possibility that this will be his lifestyle for the foreseeable future. The same is true for my son. Why are we along for the ride? Remember that children's book, I think it was called. [B]Oh, The Places We'll Go.[/B] Helpless, do you really want to be on this ride? Do I want to be with my son, as his life is more and more constrained by the dreadful choices he is making? No. Try to get him out of your mind. He is safe. That is a good thing. The rest of it he will handle in the way that he wants. PS I am wondering why he was so stressed about money while he was in the program. Could he have had debts for drugs? Could he have been involved in selling drugs? I am not saying this to make you worry. More so, I am asking this because what you don't know won't hurt you. WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW. There may so many things about his life about which you are unaware. Do we know more than the tip of the iceberg? Isn't this a good thing? As mothers, we are programmed to worry. This worry has a basis in the mistaken belief we can do something to alter circumstances. We cannot. Every time my son comes back to live here in my town, I give him a place to stay or try to. He ALWAYS assumes he can prevail upon us, to change. While he pays lip service to my conditions, his default is ALWAYS his default. He never ever buys in. My default is always that I can do something to get him to change. It used to be that I thought I could DO SOMETHING which meant I could get him to do something. WRONG. Now my MO is more subtle and even less grounded in reality. Now I seem to believe that if I let him come back, my milieu will permeate his being and create change. It is ludicrous. And just plain wrong. I know you are not contemplating actively engaging with your son. However, I am beginning to think that even thinking of them creates toxicity. What a :censored2:in mess. [/QUOTE]
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