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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 709509" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Hi Nessie, I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. I'm glad you reached out to us.</p><p></p><p></p><p>What you are feeling is normal but it will pass. Life can and should be good for you. You are grieving right now. Grief is not just for when someone dies, it's also for when a relationship dies. That's what happens when our adult difficult children cause so much chaos and drama, it kills the relationship we once had with them. The sweet little boys and girls we once knew are gone. What we have now are adult children who refuse to take responsibility for their lives in a productive way. Most often they choose drugs and alcohol over their families.</p><p>Allow yourself to grieve. </p><p></p><p></p><p>You are a loving mother. I know this by what you have posted and the fact that you are here looking for help.</p><p>Here's the thing about giving money, you can only do what you are comfortable with. That being said I do caution you that giving money does not really help them, it enables them. There comes a point when enough is enough. The timing is unique to each one of us. Trust me, my husband and I have spent ten of thousands of dollars trying to "help" our son. All the money we spent did nothing to help him. He didn't want our help but he didn't mind us continuing to enable him.</p><p>Something for you to think about, there will come a time when you will not be around to "help" your son. There will come a time he will have to figure it out on his own. It's much better for him if he's allowed to start that process now rather than later. It's okay for our children to struggle, they grow and learn from it.</p><p></p><p></p><p>This is typical. You cannot change him. You cannot make him see the damage he is doing to his life. What you can do is change how you respond. I strongly suggest you reach out to Al-Anon. They can help you to equip yourself with some good coping skills.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Again, this is a normal feeling but know that you have nothing to be ashamed about. We will never know the reason some of our children choose to go down a destructive path. Many times they will blame us saying we were horrible parents but that is them using us as a scapegoat. As a parent, you love your child, you feed them, clothe them, give them the security of a good home, you teach them right from wrong, you send them to school, you comfort them when they are hurt, you do all you can for them. The day comes when they start to make decisions for themselves whether good or bad. Those decisions are on them and only them.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes Nessie, you can and should survive this. Do not allow your son to destroy your family. I only have one child, my son. My husband and I used to have some serious arguments about our son. We were allowing our sons chaos to control everything. There was a wedge between us because we didn't always agree on how to deal with our son. We started to take drives on the weekend. Just get in the car and go. Our only rule was that we could not discuss our son. It allowed us time to be together and re-connect. My son is 35 now and his life is still full of chaos. My husband and I let him go and now we have each other. </p><p>We love our son very much but we have learned that no matter how much we love him or how much money we throw at him, it's never enough to save him. The only thing that will save my son, your son and any other adult difficult children in themselves. Until they decide that they want their life to change.</p><p></p><p></p><p>As I said, my son is 35 and has recently gone back to jail. I think my son will always be a difficult adult child but I no longer allow him to have power over my emotions. </p><p>Nessie, you have a life, you have a husband and other children that need you. </p><p>Detaching from our difficult children does not mean that we don't love them it just means that we will no longer enable them or allow them to manipulate us into "helping" them.</p><p></p><p>This is not an easy journey to be on but I can tell you that you can come out the other side of it. You can live a good and happy life. </p><p></p><p>I'm glad you found us here. I hope you will keep sharing. </p><p></p><p>((HUGS)) to you............................</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 709509, member: 18516"] Hi Nessie, I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. I'm glad you reached out to us. What you are feeling is normal but it will pass. Life can and should be good for you. You are grieving right now. Grief is not just for when someone dies, it's also for when a relationship dies. That's what happens when our adult difficult children cause so much chaos and drama, it kills the relationship we once had with them. The sweet little boys and girls we once knew are gone. What we have now are adult children who refuse to take responsibility for their lives in a productive way. Most often they choose drugs and alcohol over their families. Allow yourself to grieve. You are a loving mother. I know this by what you have posted and the fact that you are here looking for help. Here's the thing about giving money, you can only do what you are comfortable with. That being said I do caution you that giving money does not really help them, it enables them. There comes a point when enough is enough. The timing is unique to each one of us. Trust me, my husband and I have spent ten of thousands of dollars trying to "help" our son. All the money we spent did nothing to help him. He didn't want our help but he didn't mind us continuing to enable him. Something for you to think about, there will come a time when you will not be around to "help" your son. There will come a time he will have to figure it out on his own. It's much better for him if he's allowed to start that process now rather than later. It's okay for our children to struggle, they grow and learn from it. This is typical. You cannot change him. You cannot make him see the damage he is doing to his life. What you can do is change how you respond. I strongly suggest you reach out to Al-Anon. They can help you to equip yourself with some good coping skills. Again, this is a normal feeling but know that you have nothing to be ashamed about. We will never know the reason some of our children choose to go down a destructive path. Many times they will blame us saying we were horrible parents but that is them using us as a scapegoat. As a parent, you love your child, you feed them, clothe them, give them the security of a good home, you teach them right from wrong, you send them to school, you comfort them when they are hurt, you do all you can for them. The day comes when they start to make decisions for themselves whether good or bad. Those decisions are on them and only them. Yes Nessie, you can and should survive this. Do not allow your son to destroy your family. I only have one child, my son. My husband and I used to have some serious arguments about our son. We were allowing our sons chaos to control everything. There was a wedge between us because we didn't always agree on how to deal with our son. We started to take drives on the weekend. Just get in the car and go. Our only rule was that we could not discuss our son. It allowed us time to be together and re-connect. My son is 35 now and his life is still full of chaos. My husband and I let him go and now we have each other. We love our son very much but we have learned that no matter how much we love him or how much money we throw at him, it's never enough to save him. The only thing that will save my son, your son and any other adult difficult children in themselves. Until they decide that they want their life to change. As I said, my son is 35 and has recently gone back to jail. I think my son will always be a difficult adult child but I no longer allow him to have power over my emotions. Nessie, you have a life, you have a husband and other children that need you. Detaching from our difficult children does not mean that we don't love them it just means that we will no longer enable them or allow them to manipulate us into "helping" them. This is not an easy journey to be on but I can tell you that you can come out the other side of it. You can live a good and happy life. I'm glad you found us here. I hope you will keep sharing. ((HUGS)) to you............................ [/QUOTE]
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