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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 724009" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hello LOS, so sorry for all of your troubles and your need to be here. It is Thanksgiving in the States so CD may be quiet today. I had to go back to your first post to get some background. Your son is now 19? ( It would help if you added a signature with your family info). </p><p>It is so hard when our kids grow up in age, but not maturity. 19 is young, here 18 is considered an adult.</p><p>When our d cs are involved with drugs, they just don’t take responsibility. They still want to call their own shots and we as parents get stuck in this limbo of trying our darndest to help, to get them motivated.</p><p> It’s like trying to guide a stubborn donkey.</p><p>Your son is taking advantage of your kindness and generosity. I know, because it happened to me over and again. He wants to do what he wants to do with no consequences. He thinks Mum will continue to rescue him.</p><p> No matter what.</p><p>What I learned is that by helping my d cs and being so fixated on their lives, I took away their consequences for their life choices. They continued on the same downward slide and took us along for the hellish ride.</p><p> If this is your normal, then I don’t blame you for feeling frustrated and tired. I was there. It’s hard. Our d cs lose control and blame us. Sometimes I think it is because they know they are <em>capable</em>. It becomes a crazy game where the more they flounder, the more we help, the more they become defiant and feel entitled. It is a vicious cycle. “I got this Mum, (CRASH) help me! Why are you helping me, I got this!”</p><p>They crash, <em>we burn. </em></p><p>What the heck is wrong with them?</p><p>Ahem.</p><p>Truthfully, how will they learn if we are the ones suffering their consequences? I really think we become more concerned then they do. We are killing our selves with what if’s, and they are wondering where the next party is.</p><p> Wait.......what? The permission <em>he gave you? </em>So, instead of being grateful for your help, he is putting terms. Okay, it’s his money, right? You want to manage his funds so that his rent and fines are paid. People get paid to do this, to manage someone’s personal affairs.</p><p>I know you are afraid if you don’t step in, he will lose his place and be homeless. But, if he is making bad choices, the only way he will learn is by reaping the consequences.</p><p></p><p> This is a toxic relationship LOS. No one should be verbally abused, especially a mother. It is unacceptable.</p><p> Well. It sounds so familiar to me. The outbursts, drama, apologies. Life becomes like a yo-yo, up, down, up, down. We get drawn in to a swirly whirly of emotions, knowing we need to step away, but fearful of the outcome for our d cs. It is really a battle. Between us wanting the best for our d cs, and them just wanting to do what they want. But, they don’t want the consequences. They want to be comfortable.</p><p>I think we get so caught up in trying to save them that we don’t see what is really happening.</p><p>I look back and recognize that my efforts to “help” ended up prolonging the ordeal. I was frustrated and anxious, my two just kept doing what they do.</p><p>The thing is, they were never appreciative of our efforts, they expected us to accommodate them. Entitled.</p><p></p><p> I am sorry that you feel this way. I remember so many sleepless nights, just not knowing which way to turn.</p><p> You feel out of control, my dear, because you are. We can not control our adult children.</p><p>They will do what they want.</p><p>Realizing this is a first step to learning how to let go.</p><p></p><p></p><p> It is not your fault, no matter how you react to his choices, they are <em>his choices. </em></p><p>Stop blaming yourself.</p><p>He is a young man.</p><p>Have you read the article on detachment?</p><p>It is on the PE forum.</p><p>It helped me to realize that I was way too entangled in my twos affairs. Once I was able to step back, I could think a little more clearly and actually relax a bit more.</p><p>Stress and anxiety are horrible beasts that rob us of time and good health.</p><p>You may think, how could I relax when my son is on a downward slide?</p><p>I thought the same.</p><p>It takes time and small steps forward to realize that we truly can’t control what our d cs do.</p><p>One big, big help, was my son, who was 14 at the time my daughter pulled one last huge dramatic exodus from my home. It was horrible, and she dragged my three grands along with her.</p><p>I found my son curled up on my bed, crying.</p><p>It was enough to wake me up and show me I had to make some changes, if not for me, for him.</p><p>Really, I was figuratively on that bed crying, too.</p><p>My involvement with my two was <em>killing my spirit, dragging me down.</em></p><p>It takes time and effort to learn how to step back, give the kids their wings and let them fly on their own. Yup, they will crash, but they have to understand and live the repercussions of their choices.</p><p>Try to shift your focus away from your son.</p><p>You have a life, you matter.</p><p>Take little steps, one day at a time.</p><p>Do something nice for yourself.</p><p>Keep posting, it helps to sort out your feelings, vent and figure out this puzzle.</p><p>I am sorry for your aching mommas heart. I know how difficult it is.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 724009, member: 19522"] Hello LOS, so sorry for all of your troubles and your need to be here. It is Thanksgiving in the States so CD may be quiet today. I had to go back to your first post to get some background. Your son is now 19? ( It would help if you added a signature with your family info). It is so hard when our kids grow up in age, but not maturity. 19 is young, here 18 is considered an adult. When our d cs are involved with drugs, they just don’t take responsibility. They still want to call their own shots and we as parents get stuck in this limbo of trying our darndest to help, to get them motivated. It’s like trying to guide a stubborn donkey. Your son is taking advantage of your kindness and generosity. I know, because it happened to me over and again. He wants to do what he wants to do with no consequences. He thinks Mum will continue to rescue him. No matter what. What I learned is that by helping my d cs and being so fixated on their lives, I took away their consequences for their life choices. They continued on the same downward slide and took us along for the hellish ride. If this is your normal, then I don’t blame you for feeling frustrated and tired. I was there. It’s hard. Our d cs lose control and blame us. Sometimes I think it is because they know they are [I]capable[/I]. It becomes a crazy game where the more they flounder, the more we help, the more they become defiant and feel entitled. It is a vicious cycle. “I got this Mum, (CRASH) help me! Why are you helping me, I got this!” They crash, [I]we burn. [/I] What the heck is wrong with them? Ahem. Truthfully, how will they learn if we are the ones suffering their consequences? I really think we become more concerned then they do. We are killing our selves with what if’s, and they are wondering where the next party is. Wait.......what? The permission [I]he gave you? [/I]So, instead of being grateful for your help, he is putting terms. Okay, it’s his money, right? You want to manage his funds so that his rent and fines are paid. People get paid to do this, to manage someone’s personal affairs. I know you are afraid if you don’t step in, he will lose his place and be homeless. But, if he is making bad choices, the only way he will learn is by reaping the consequences. This is a toxic relationship LOS. No one should be verbally abused, especially a mother. It is unacceptable. Well. It sounds so familiar to me. The outbursts, drama, apologies. Life becomes like a yo-yo, up, down, up, down. We get drawn in to a swirly whirly of emotions, knowing we need to step away, but fearful of the outcome for our d cs. It is really a battle. Between us wanting the best for our d cs, and them just wanting to do what they want. But, they don’t want the consequences. They want to be comfortable. I think we get so caught up in trying to save them that we don’t see what is really happening. I look back and recognize that my efforts to “help” ended up prolonging the ordeal. I was frustrated and anxious, my two just kept doing what they do. The thing is, they were never appreciative of our efforts, they expected us to accommodate them. Entitled. I am sorry that you feel this way. I remember so many sleepless nights, just not knowing which way to turn. You feel out of control, my dear, because you are. We can not control our adult children. They will do what they want. Realizing this is a first step to learning how to let go. It is not your fault, no matter how you react to his choices, they are [I]his choices. [/I] Stop blaming yourself. He is a young man. Have you read the article on detachment? It is on the PE forum. It helped me to realize that I was way too entangled in my twos affairs. Once I was able to step back, I could think a little more clearly and actually relax a bit more. Stress and anxiety are horrible beasts that rob us of time and good health. You may think, how could I relax when my son is on a downward slide? I thought the same. It takes time and small steps forward to realize that we truly can’t control what our d cs do. One big, big help, was my son, who was 14 at the time my daughter pulled one last huge dramatic exodus from my home. It was horrible, and she dragged my three grands along with her. I found my son curled up on my bed, crying. It was enough to wake me up and show me I had to make some changes, if not for me, for him. Really, I was figuratively on that bed crying, too. My involvement with my two was [I]killing my spirit, dragging me down.[/I] It takes time and effort to learn how to step back, give the kids their wings and let them fly on their own. Yup, they will crash, but they have to understand and live the repercussions of their choices. Try to shift your focus away from your son. You have a life, you matter. Take little steps, one day at a time. Do something nice for yourself. Keep posting, it helps to sort out your feelings, vent and figure out this puzzle. I am sorry for your aching mommas heart. I know how difficult it is. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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