Hello dear Leafy, your mother's sorrow comes across in every word and each one of us here is likely to be able to identify with your words. I'm so sorry it all continues.
I think Nomad's friend's choice is perhaps the most extreme of how we care for our wayward adult kids.....most of us can't manage that level of care, on any front. It is a challenge not to compare ourselves to what many could look at as the "perfect" mother who puts everything into her child......however, I believe for most of us, that scenario won't work. However, those stories do bring up our own doubts about our parenting..... there were likely some who read that thread and doubted their own choices. This is such a hard path, and it includes not only our own judgements of ourselves but the judgements of so many others......in a culture which often blames parents, in particular mothers, for whatever fate their children choose. Within many of us is that need to believe we have the ultimate power as parents to change our children's lives into what we want for them.....but we don't. Only they have that power.
This path continues to evolve, it never stays stagnant and we're pushed into making choices and shifting our ways of looking at it all. You've gone thru various forms of disengagement, each one valuable in that moment......we shift and change as our kids shift and change......each moment is simply a snapshot into that reality, which can and will change....so we have to adapt to those changes. You've done a stellar job in adapting to each change......and I know what that takes out of us. Whether our kids are on the street or housed in luxury, we suffer mightily with their choices.
This sentence jumped out at me. About a year and a half ago I had a conversation with my daughter's best friend, whom we've gotten to know well over many years. He, like her, slipped out of reality and fell into homelessness, futility, joblessness and hopelessness after having a relatively typical life ended by poor choices and unexpected life events. He said something which really stuck with me and gave me pause when I thought of my daughter at that time, homeless, couch surfing and hopeless. He told me how hard it was to get back out of that deep hole once you fell in. I was horrified and of course began questioning my choices to remove myself from the responsibility of my daughters life. I detached from her choices and behaviors, NOT from her. I detached from paying for anything and taking any responsibilities for her, but I continued to interact with my daughter and see her, engage with her, as long as she was respectful of me, honored my boundaries and kept the drama to a minimum. It took a while for me to figure out my boundaries, to express my boundaries around her behaviors and over time, with therapy, I was able to clearly define my boundaries and what for me was respectful behavior. It felt as if I were retraining my daughter and really myself out of unhealthy strategies we both were involved in which didn't work for either of us. It was a process.
From that point forward, I observed my daughter make small choices which had bigger results. She moved out of the town she grew up in when the house she was staying in burned to the ground with everything she owned in it. Her stint of homelessness in that town was years of drama, insanity and real down and out sketchy characters. I was in a continuing place of fear for her safety. It was her choice to move out of town and truthfully I didn't think it would work because she only knew one person in that town. She moved around a few times, but each time I noticed, it was a better environment. She got a job last October. In February where she was staying flooded and she moved again. But this time, she began paying rent, the first time in 19 years, when it all began. By April she found a place to live in a really nice home, a "typical" home where she has her own room and access to the amenities. Each step of the way, I was figuring out how to respond because the old responses didn't work, so I had to be uber awake so I would stay on the periphery with support but not engage in enabling. I was determined to help in ways which were healthy for me....and I learned on the fly as she shifted out of the dark place she was in..... she developed momentum and initiative to begin the journey out of the deep ditch she was in. She did it. And she did it all on her own. And, what I see in her is amazing self worth growing day by day. The level of self empowerment she feels right now is off the charts and it keeps pushing her into making new and healthier choices....she is the happiest I have seen her in the 19 years we've been walking this path. I never expected this change, it came out of left field. But I see clearly that SHE was the one who made all of the choices, not me. SHE was the one who chose to climb out of that hole and believe me, it was a deep one. She had nothing. Literally.
The last 19 years with my daughter have been a long, arduous journey.....and I've doubted myself every step of the way, but like all of us here, I put one foot in front of the other and did what was in front of me...and cried a lot.....and then that lead me to the next step. We don't get to see the final outcome, we only get to see this moment where we have no guarantee that our choices are working.
We all find our way thru this maze of fear for our children however we can, in the ways which keep our hearts intact....it's hard. I have every reason to believe that the choices you make with your daughters will be choices that are well thought out, filled with kindness, love and boundaries.....you know how to work yourself through each step and come out the other side in a healthy and better place. You have a long history of finding loving ways to respond to your daughters while keeping your heart safe..... which you can rely on now to guide you. Your open heart, Leafy, in spite of the years of hurt, is a beacon for your daughters to find their way.....however you choose to express your love for them, while keeping yourself intact, is a positive choice.
Big hugs to you Leafy.
